My fellow conservatrons, today is the day that the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be super-duper-glad! Yesterday the Supreme Court started hearing arguments in a case brought by 26 attorneys general (not 26 "attorney generals," in case you were wondering—I learned that from FOX News) against the filthy death panel cornucopia known as Obamacare. Curious about the facts behind the "controversial" case against universal murdercare? Well, luckily for you, your faithful GOP analyst (that's me!) is here to explain the whole debacle to you.
Here's the deal: souls have bodies, and sometimes those bodies get sick, usually as a result of something sinful they've done. President Obama is of the mind that, just as folks are required to purchase car insurance for their cars from one of several vendors, so should human body-possessors be required to purchase human body insurance (known from hereon out as "health insurance") for their bodies. Disgusting? I know.
Republicans so deeply cherish the right of the individual over the right of the fascist state that they object to this so-called "individual mandate." Why? Well, the individual mandate would require every single American to be insured, and there is nothing so heinous as requiring every single American to do anything, much less a thing that is universally acknowledged to promote health and welfare. It is a violation of God's law to ask a man to take a step that might enhance his physical well-being, prolong his usefulness as a worker in the field of his choice, ensure his ability to fulfill his duties as a father and husband, and just generally make his life awesomer.
Now, I've recently been made aware that not all of the folks who read this column are solid Santorum conservatives like myself. To my dismay, it has been reported to me that VICE.com is in fact a rather popular website among the hip, liberal types who enjoy piercing their mucous membranes, tattooing various heathenish symbols upon their persons, and engaging in premarital sexual contact with members of the opposite—and even sometimes the same—sex. Therefore, I've realized I'm not preaching to the choir on this one. So in order to assuage your unfounded liberal fears that Republicans are heartless, cruel individuals who regularly vote against the best interests of women, children, minorities, and other lesser Americans, I've put together a list of RNC-approved DIY remedies for common ailments. We're going to make sure the Supreme Court strikes down Obamacare, but that doesn't mean we want you to feel yucky in the aftermath!
Condition: Migraine headache
Insurance-Free Cure: Repeated blunt trauma to the head
Do you have a problem with incredible head pain accompanied by visual auras, the perception of flashing lights, and extraordinary nausea? Don't have enough money to see a doctor? No worries, weak-brained liberal compadre. Get yourself to the nearest wall and immediately smash your head against it repeatedly. See if you can draw blood while you're at it! You'll be so distracted by the red rivers of life oozing into your eyeballs as well as the fresh agony of an open head wound, you won't have time to resent your inability to pay for a neurological evaluation!
Condition: Menstrual cramps
Insurance-Free Cure: Pregnancy
Did God curse you by making you a woman instead of a man? Is he working out his latent anger at Eve the Betrayer by ensuring the shedding of your uterine lining is absolutely agonizing? And are you unable to take any time off your underpaid, nonunion job in order to visit the gynecologist to find out if your life-basket is all right? Then get down on your God-forsaken lady-knees and pray a sweet little prayer to Jesus asking Him to alleviate your suffering by sending you the Lord's most precious gift: a baby. Whether the intercourse to produce this child is consensual or not, the end game is the same: a blessed 9-month reprieve from the horrific lunar squeezings. Remember, you haven't served your purpose as a female until you've brought forth spawn!
Insurance-Free Cure: Pretend it's not there
Gout is a kind of arthritis that occurs when uric acid builds up in the blood and produces a red, tender, hot, swollen, inflamed joint. It's enormously painful and can lead to a reduction in mobility as well as quality of life. Left untreated, it can even lead to kidney stones. In other words, gout is a disgusting malady suffered by disgusting humans. If you are one of them and you can't afford top quality health insurance because you're not rich, either quit being gross and poor or just pretend your debilitating form of arthritis isn't actually real. "Looks like you're having trouble walking, pal," a well-meaning but misguided friend may say. "Fuck no!" is the appropriate response. "I'm feelin' fine!" You'll feel just like a rich person who actually feels fine!
Condition: Every other possible health problem
Insurance-Free Cure: See "Gout."
Previously - John McCain Hates America