Republicantics - John McCain Hates America

By Sara Benincasa

Today, my fellow conservatrons, we have a new enemy. And just like Judas and Bill Buckner, he's on the good team. Who is this usurper/betrayer/Benedict Arnold, this snake in the grass, this wolf in sheep's clothing? Why, none other than former presidential candidate Senator John McCain (R-Arizona). And, as if to further squeeze a lemon juice and Tabasco mixture into the bleeding, open wound of the Republican faithful, he betrayed us on national television. Specifically, on the notoriously liberal pit of despair Meet the Press, hosted by the vaguely simian yet troublingly handsome demon-lord David Gregory.

What sin, exactly, did the so-called war hero senator (I'm going to my Conservapedia right now to double-check the facts on that supposed Vietnam heroism) commit against his supposed right-wing brethren? Unsurprisingly, it involves ladies' vaginas (and uteruses, and other parts I don't know anything about even though the liberal media tells me I possess them). I held my nose and tried to contain the chunks rising in my throat as I visited the blog of noted Sapphist devil-woman Rachel Maddow for the "scoop."

On "Meet the Press" yesterday, host David Gregory asked Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), "Do you think that there is something of a war on women among Republicans?" Instead of saying, "No, of course not," the senator seemed to implicitly concede the reality of the situation, responding, "I think we have to fix that."

McCain added that Republicans "need to get off" the contraception issue altogether, adding, "I think we ought to respect the right of women to make choices in their lives."

One can only imagine the joy this Satanic gobbledygook brought Maddow, the disturbingly attractive, satin-voiced, sturdy yet alluringly feminine hostess of her very own propaganda hour. Yes, when she mixes her delicious, sensual cocktails every night, pouring them down her supple throat and enjoying the lingering sensations they leave on her wet tongue, she probably cackles with glee at McCain's foul words.

But enough about the dark-haired ladyvixen who has stolen the minds (and hearts) of so many innocent Americans. Let's focus on Senator John McCain, who should be tried for treason and executed via tickling squad in front of an assemblage of team mascots (I dunno, I just feel like the mascots would make the death creepier and more painful, you know?). How dare he "implicitly concede" that there is, in fact, a Republican war on women when there is nothing of the sort? After all, I myself am a woman, and like all Republican women who are not Olympia Snowe, I actively enjoy voting against my own interests!

Now let's add insult to injury, shall we? Again, from the she-devil's blog:

Gregory brought up a proposal pending in the senator's home state of Arizona, which as Rachel explained on Friday, "would permit employers to ask their employees for proof of medical prescription if the employee seeks contraceptives for non-reproductive purposes. So, Arizona Republicans are going to make you tell your boss if you are having sex but you're taking precautions not to get pregnant."

Asked about the measure, McCain said he's "confident" it will not become law, adding that the proposal "certainly doesn't reflect, in my view, the majority view of the people of Arizona."

But fear not, my fellow conservatrons: there is balm in Gilead, an eye in the storm, a silver lining on the cloud, and glorious anti-womanism in Arizona. You see, McCain didn't add that the Arizona state House of Representatives already passed the bill! Now it only needs to pass the state Senate, and Arizona bosses will be given carte blanche to ask their lady employees why in the hibjam heehaw tarnation they want to take pills to prevent the blessed union of sperm and egg. Hopefully some of these bosses will then throw in a religious lecture about fire and brimstone and sin, since Republicans are so concerned with preserving "religious freedoms" these days!

Well, that's all for this week, my conservadarling-dears. Be sure to check back with me next Monday when I unveil even more truths about who is and is not a proper Republican. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got 16 solid hours of Rachel Maddow to watch, alone in my room with the blinds drawn. The only way we can keep up with the enemy is through vigilance—devoted, steamy vigilance.

Previously - Opening Remarks From Louis CK's Potential RTCA Dinner Replacements

@SaraJBenincasa

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