Republicantics - The Many Loves of Mitt Romney

By Sara Benincasa

Hey everybody! It's me, Sara Benincasa, VICE.com's GOP analyst and the biggest Republifangirl of them all. Each week, I check in to keep you up to date on the party we all know and love. This week, we look at a few of Mitt Romney's favorite things. Take it away, biased liberal Illuminati/Council of the Elders of Zion-controlled media (a.k.a. the New York Times)!

Mitt Romney talks about his love for America almost every day. Twice now, the Republican presidential front-runner has even broken into song.

"Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain," Romney crooned Wednesday, standing on stage in a warehouse here as the crowd sang along. He did the same earlier in the week at a Florida retirement community...While all politicians emphasize patriotism, Romney arguably takes it to a whole new level.


Now I ask you this, dear fellow conservatron: is there anything more honorable than a presidential candidate who warbles a ditty about patriotism? Nay. Whereas President Barack Hussein Nobama shamelessly tried to melt the panties of his zombie female followers by painfully braying a few bars of "Let's Stay Together," thereby Muslamically blaspheming a song originally recorded by an ordained reverend, Mitt Romney sings patriotic songs that truly come straight from his red, white, and blue heart (again, the Old Gray Jewess has the story):


He has spent months traveling — from Iowa to New Hampshire to South Carolina to Florida — proclaiming "I love America" and declaring his appreciation for what he often calls "the national hymns of our nation." Among them: "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "America the Beautiful," which he calls his favorite partly because his mother used to sing it.


In addition to dropping that "national hymns" line with frequency, this comely Mormon often takes a moment on his campaign stops to declare, "I will never apologize for America." Never mind that no one else is apologizing for America -- Mittelschmerz is SUPER DUPER not doing this thing that no one else is doing!

So now you know that Mitt Romney loves the United States of America as well as those sweet traditional Uncle Sam jams. But what else does he love?

"I love the founding documents," the candidate says frequently before crowds as he quotes from the Declaration of Independence. "I love the Constitution!" is another Romney favorite..."I love all the amendments!" he said in September. "I love the Second Amendment. I love the 10th Amendment."

But what Mitt failed to explain was that he literally loves the Amendments, sometimes two or three times a day. "Ooh, yeah, the right to bear arms! Yeah, that gets Daddy wet! Oh fuck yes, powers not granted to the federal government nor prohibited to the States by the Constitution are reserved to the States or the people! Now where's that 13th Amendment? Papa wants some brown sugar!" These are the things he says to himself, probably, when he makes these speeches. At least, this is what happens inside my head.

Welp, that's about all the digital column-inches I've got for this week, my fellow Republifanatics! See you next week, and until then, keep singing "Coming to America" while gently jacking it to the Articles of Confederation. A source (my wildest dreams) tells me that's what a certain very attractive future president of these United States will be doing.

Previously - Newt's Needs

@SaraJBenincasa

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