Republicantics - Winning the War on Women

As VICE.com's resident GOP analyst, I do my best to keep up with what the other, lesser members of the media are doing and saying about politics. And as a (full disclosure) die-hard, right wing, ultra-conservative, evangelical Christian Republican, I watch the leftist liberal media like a hawk for signs of disloyalty, anti-patriotism, treachery, and deceit. Needless to say, they provide plenty of that for me! And this week, it's Mr. Gregory Kabaservice of The New Republic who has gone too damned far.

Kabaservice has put together a nasty little treatise called "How Democrats Are Complicit in the War Against Women." Not only does Kabaservice attempt to shift some of the GOP's hard-earned anti-women credentials over to the Democraps, he has the audacity to throw ancient history in our faces, unearthing some unsavory facts about the Republican Party of the distant past:

A Republican Congress endorsed the amendment giving women the vote in 1919, and 80 percent of the state legislatures that approved it were Republican-controlled. The party instituted gender-based affirmative action in 1940 by requiring the Republican National Committee to have one woman and one man from each state, decades in advance of similar reforms by the Democrats. Margaret Chase Smith, a Maine Republican, was the only woman senator for 24 years, and became the first woman to run for president. Dwight Eisenhower appointed more women to top posts than John F. Kennedy did.

Let me be the first among my esteemed conservative columnist colleagues to publicly say directly to Mr. Kabaservice: How dare you? How dare you, sir?

How dare you remind the world of that lamentable time when Republicans actually courted the female vote—nay, helped bring about its very existence?

Mr. Kabaservice, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for treating the Republican Party of today as if it had any connection to the Republican Party of the past—for example, to the Republican Party of that dreadful betrayer who rent our country in twain (Abraham Lincoln, in case you're not up on your War of Northern Aggression history). Morals and societal standards were different back then, and we can't be blamed for the pro-womanist or anti-free-labor sins of our fathers and grandfathers and great-great-great-uncle Ezekiels.

And as for Senator Margaret Chase Smith, that comely Jezebel—she tricked us all into fealty with her seductive dark lipstick, her mischievous eyes, and her triple-strand pearl necklace. The Republican Party of today would never permit anyone to do the things Smith did, particularly not the wretched moment in 1950 when she issued her "Declaration of Conscience" against the honorable and benevolent Senator Joseph McCarthy, perhaps the greatest Republican gentleman in the history of our party, and certainly the only good thing to ever emerge from the cesspool of sin that is Wisconsin. I mean, just look at what this crazy bitch had the nerve to say on the floor of the Senate:

It is strange that we can verbally attack anyone else without restraint and with full protection and yet we hold ourselves above the same type of criticism here on the Senate Floor. Surely the United States Senate is big enough to take self-criticism and self-appraisal. Surely we should be able to take the same kind of character attacks that we "dish out" to outsiders.

I think that it is high time for the United States Senate and its members to do some soul-searching—for us to weigh our consciences—on the manner in which we are performing our duty to the people of America—on the manner in which we are using or abusing our individual powers and privileges.

I think even you, Mr. Kabaservice, will have to agree that this sort of rhetoric would have no place in the Republican Party of today. In fact, it is so foreign to the typical tone of discourse among the GOP of 2012, it is like something alien from another planet, a planet populated by some terrifying form of Republifreaks who vote to fund certain vital social services and who neglect to demonize women for selfishly refusing to bear 18 consecutive children during their fertile years.

Shame on you, Mr. Kabaservice. Yes, there was once a Republican Party that was ideologically diverse enough to welcome the contributions of a Margaret Chase Smith in addition to more conservative voices. Sure, there existed a Grand Old Party that occasionally displayed compassion and empathy in the service of United States citizens. But sir, that party is dead and gone. In its place is a Republican Party in which a modern-day Joseph McCarthy would receive as warm a welcome as an antigay preacher with his cock in a truck stop glory hole on I-95. And that's pretty goddamned warm.

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