Okay, so SOMEBODY cares (as I jam my thumb into my chest).
On Wednesday night, Richard Marx went on a wine bender in his home and wanted all of Twitter to know about it. Known for a whole tangled slew of 80s love songs, and being the true originator of the Dawson Leery hairdo, Richard Marx is a national treasure. He invented the breakup, you know. Before his career started, people just stayed together forever. But, Marx knew better. He was like, “If I could just make some songs about being sad enough to walk away from love, then maybe everybody will!” And so he did. “Hold On to the Nights,” “Right Here Waiting,” “Children Of the Night,” they’re all about being in solitude, whether being single again or a teen runaway. His music was the perfect recipe for mixing a bleach martini.
So anyway, he has Twitter. I didn’t know this, but I found out he did on Wednesday night. He’s apparently really snarky (his Twitter bio includes being a life coach to both members of Wang Chung), but the debauchery really kicked off at approximately 9:50 PM EST, when he tweeted, “I’m so drunk right now @blakeshelton would be like… ‘Dude…chill.’” He was also posting “sweet ass photos” of himself guzzling wine. Earlier he had some issue with American Airlines, so he made a weird reference to that. Then he says, “I’m so drunk right now I’m wearing baggy jeans.” What does that even mean? Is he referencing rappers? Is he racist now or like, drunk racist? Well, either way the career tweets began. (insert DJ Tanner style “YESSSSSSS!!!!!”)
10:00 PM I’m so drunk right now I’m strongly considering recording a new solo album.
10:16 PM OMG it’s so fun to be on Twitter when you don’t have a career to worry about protecting!!!!!
10:50 PM Right. Screw the songwriting and singing. I just needed to be a drunken asshole.
11:06 PM Cell phone just rang. Manager (watching me on Twitter) on caller ID. Me: “And THIS was the call I was expecting!!!!!!”
11:08 PM Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
There are other tweets sprinkled in, but these were the best ones. At 11:15 PM he tweeted, “I’m just getting warmed up. Ask me some ?s if you dare.” A bunch of people actually asked questions. He didn’t answer a single one of them.
Then Twitter put him in the corner, or a “time-out” and a he moped about it. By 1:37 AM, he was asking followers to meet him for iced mochas and scones in the morning. He eventually gave up at 1:59 AM when he tweeted, “Thanks for hanging, my Twitter friends (and a-holes.) More tomorrow night.” Oh ok.
By the next morning he was back on his promo kick for his Christmas Spirit album, until he finally asked, “Wait...what? Did something happen last night?”
So either Richard Marx is one of the scariest people in the entire world or he is one of the coolest. I can’t really decide. Maybe he’s just taking a few pages from the Book Of Charlie Sheen. Either way, I’m staying tuned.