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      Rocker Pigs: On Fucking the Band

      November 26, 2012

      By Moronica Queefs

      The instrument a man plays dictates how he fucks. It's a fact.

      THE DRUMMER
      When trying to start a band, a great drummer is really hard to find. Because of this, most drummers know they are greatly valued. They have a simple confidence similar to that of an ambulance driver or a kinesiologist. Drummers are strong, and work the hardest of any band member, but the faces they make during their musical performance will determine sexual performance. If a drummer points his sticks, winks, or makes goofy big mouth smiles, he is going to be all empty tricks and probably cannot lick pussy to save his life. If he hits hard, stern and tries not to draw very much attention to himself, he is going to be a master at anal. Drummers will hang back out of the spotlight and never complain about anything. However, drummers can be aloof and too cautious. They will miss your pick-up signals and shamelessly email you days later even though you never gave them your contact (which makes you want to fuck them even more). Drummers will always buy the wrong sized condoms. Always.

      THE BASSIST
      The bassist will pillow talk with you for hours about his bandmates and name-drop big time actors he has "partied" with to seem more important. He will not know how to take off your bra, but will refuse to give up trying, so just do him a favor and have it unhooked the minute you even shake his hand. He won't get it up right away, and will make excuses like a fifth grader who's dog ate his homework. Bassists take a lot of breaks during sex because they are used to no one noticing if they drop out for a second. He will not let you use his designer shampoo or electric toothbrush, but will insist that you stay late the next day to have coffee and watch Netflix. Days after your night together, he will text you repeatedly, calling you slightly aggressive, yet totally immature, pet names. It will turn you off so you won't respond. It only fuels his fire.

      THE GUITARIST
      Guitarists are a dime a dozen and they fuck like it too.
      If the guitarist always brings a back-up guitar to the show, you know the sex will be decent, and the next day you will be taken care of.
      If the guitarist does not use a second guitar, it means he probably still lives at home.
      If the guitarist breaks his guitar on stage for show then it means that you will have to be on top 90% of the time. This is better for you anyways because his dick probably does that slight curving up thing.

      THE FRONT MAN
      The way a front man fucks has less to do with genre and more to do with fame.
      (Example: a white rapper will hate fuck you, then cry and admit he's on mushrooms, but a hardcore guy will hate fuck you then cry because he accidentally got cum on his favorite Negative Approach record when he meant to aim for your ass a.k.a. angry white boys are total babies.)

      Punk fame: This front man will be your pet for the night. He's down for whatever because he is drunk, horny and high. He will suggest fucking in the bathroom. You will. It will rule. He'll be a great kisser. He'll be humble in the morning and a beast in bed. You'll wish you had found this one sooner.
      Mid-level-Internet fame: This front man will act like you are disgusting and that his vodka-soda has more sex appeal than you do. However, when the crowd has cleared, he'll bum a cigarette from you, hint at his desire for drugs and then lay on a really cheesy pick-up line. When you fuck him he will insist that you do most of the work. He will not stay over, but you won't be disappointed because he snores like a mother fucking dump truck and you need your beauty sleep.
      All-major-music-magazines fame: The sex will be mediocre. When he comes out of your bathroom waving the current issue of SPIN he is featured in, you will know he looked at a photo of himself while taking a shit.
      Legendary-old-guy-rocker fame: The only reason to fuck an old celebrity legend rocker guy is for the story. He'll be into weird 80s sex moves. He'll have all kinds of lubes and toys. There will be piss fetishes. He'll make you watch him jerk off, then he'll jerk off while he watches you jerk off. There will a lot of jerking and less penetration. When it's done, he'll give you a $100 for a cab ride home because he's rich and clueless. You'll walk and spend the rest on groceries from Whole Foods.

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