Semen Allergies, Xanax, and Date Rape

SEX  - SEMEN ALLERGIES

Having diarrhea in front of your partner is a big step in the relationship. I'd say it should come after you stop using condoms, but before you say l love you. I've already told you about the time I sharted on the kitchen floor in front of my boyfriend, but that was OK because we'd been together for like a year or something.

What if you constantly had diarrhea around your boyfriend, and realized it happened after you went down on him? Holy fuck, you're probably allergic to his jizz. A million questions flow through your mind. What am I supposed to do now, spit? No one likes a spitter. But these apartment walls are super thin; I can't keep having diarrhea in front of him; he can most definitely hear me and it can't be healthy. When a doctor asks me if I have any allergies, do I say "semen?" Ohmyfuckinggod I'm never going to be able to eat a cheeseburger smothered with his man butter as a condiment.

Unless you have a sensitive digestive track, semen allergies are usually limited to a skin rash. You let him come on your tits, when you're washing off in the bathroom you notice a splotchy red rash covering your chest. Things gets dicey when your vagina reacts to the allergy. An itchy red vag is one of the most terrifying things that can happen to a girl, but before you buy another box of Monistat or accuse him of giving you the herp, rule out a semen allergy.

Proteins in the semen are responsible for allergies. You can be allergic to semen across the board, or only to an individual's. There aren't many treatment options. Wearing condoms obviously helps, but that's a pretty terrifying sentence if you're in a fluid-bonded relationship. My advice is that a little rash or the occasional poopage is worth experiencing the comfort of your true love's load, but if your vagina is swelling shut, listen to your pussy and in the words of my hero Dan Savage, DTMFA.

DRUGS - XANAX AND DATE RAPE

Grab your teddy bears, my dears, as a shadow falls over story time. Be careful little girls, there are razor blades in your candy apple and benzos in your vodka.

It's her first month in New York. Out with friends in the Lower East Side, she lets a beautiful Frenchman buy her a vodka soda. There's a cherry at the bottom of her glass, maraschino. She loves maraschino cherries. Her next memory is waking up surprised to be alive, alone and naked in an apartment scattered with French condom wrappers; Manix brand. Her first emotion is relief. At least he used condoms. A jaded woman.

The big bad boogieman often associated with date rape is GHB (Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid). Colorless and odorless, it is mixed easily undetected into drinks. Rohypnol, a nitro-benzodiazepine prescribed for extreme insomnia, primarily used in hospitals, is what is referred to as "roofies."  Acquiring either substance would require too much effort for run-of-the-mill date rapists. Why not just use a benzo obtainable from many doctors by the merest mutterings of anxiety? "I'll just slip her one to loosen her up…"

Loosen her up. "Let me buy you a drink, it will loosen you up." Memories from the night with the Frenchman surface like bodies bobbing in a river. She shudders.

The most commonly used date rape drugs are alcohol itself, benzodiazepines, and sleeping pills. Internet threads are filled with monsters giving advice on what to use. Hydroponichronic writes:

Xanax would be perfect for date rape. People always think of shit like GHB or roofies, but their availability is like zilch. I've even heard from ignant fo's that ketamine gets used, but xanax would be perfect. As for dosage, multiply shots of alcohol with double the mg of xanax to get an effective dose estimate.

There is no happy ending to this tale, only a lesson: Never take candy from strangers.

ROCK 'N' ROLL - SUZANNE KRAFT

A boy named Sue; Suzanne Kraft is the Los Angeles artist legally known as Diego Herrara. Imagine the confused booking agents.

You've been lied to, fellow music writers. Only Suzie knows the secret of his name's origin. Whatever tale he spun was fabricated; he is a mysterious man and would like to remain that way. I chatted with Suzie about his latest EP, Horoscope. "I guess it's kind of a representation of two different kind of styles I work in, disco and house," he says. "Although I'll look back and think it it doesn't fit into any of those. Classifying is silly and difficult."

Silly and difficult indeed, a cliche minefield. Earlier I found myself typing the phrase "a seductive blend of house and disco…" and had to dunk my head in the toilet.

One cool thing about Suzie is that he's not the club kid you'd expect him to be. Except for performances, Suzie's not a big fan of going out. He'd rather be home eating popcorn and watching Parks and Recreation.

His music has an overall positive vibe. Suzie tells me most people say it reminds them of sunshine and ocean and happy L.A. things, which is funny because Suzie hates the beach. It's too sandy and the water is too cold. To me his songs sound like a soundtrack to some seriously sexy high-brow illegal activity, like you're up to no good in a really rich way.

Listen to the title track below and decide for yourself. Horoscope came out on vinyl September 11 and will be available digitally September 25. The digital release includes an extra track and two great remixes.

Previously: Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll - Butt Sniffers and Weed 

@TheBowieCat