Sergio Garcia Can't Wait to Serve Tiger Woods Fried Chicken
May 24 2013
Photo by Nate Miller
Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. With the assistance of my friends at the @YesYoureRacist Twitter account, I’ll be ranking this and other news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.
Recently, I was out on my porch, drinking Kool-Aid, munching on a moist slice of watermelon (which I happened to purchase with my EBT card), and neglecting my illegitimate children, when I asked myself the question, “What is the most racist sport of them all?”
Thankfully Sergio Garcia answered it for me: it’s golf! It’s always been golf. With its history of excluding minorities from country clubs but being more than happy to give them menial jobs carrying bags around in sweltering heat, golf is way, way more racist than every other sport. Only NASCAR and whatever people in the Tea Party do for fun come close.
-How did Sergio Garcia, a famous golfer who's been trying to start a rivalry with Tiger Woods, make his sport's racism so clear? Well, when he got asked if he would be inviting Tiger Woods over for dinner during the US Open tournament, he responded, “We'll have him 'round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” I’m glad that Sergio already has his dinner menu planned so far in advance. Whatever slave he keeps tied up in his basement is doing a great job in the kitchen. Fried chicken is a superb meal for the summertime, and I’m sure Tiger will be grinnin’ when he gets a taste of those 11 herbs and spices.
Garcia has since come out and apologized for his moronic comments. He claims that what he said made him feel “sick,” which is a common thing for someone to say after they get called out for being racist. What, it didn’t make you sick when you thought of saying it in the first place? You had to be told that your comment was ill-advised and hurtful? You needed the media to clue you into the concept that implying that blacks just instinctively love fried chicken is not a nice thing to say? If that’s the case, then you are dumber than you look. RACIST
-Oh, but it doesn’t stop there! In a feeble attempt to backtrack and make professional golf look less racially insensitive, George O’Grady, the chief executive of the European Tour, spoke to Sky Sports on Thursday and blurted out this daft bit of information: "Most of Sergio's friends happen to be colored athletes in the United States, he is absolutely abject in his apology and we accepted it."
The only people I’ve ever heard use the term “colored” while also trying to sound like they weren’t racist are characters from Mad Men and golf executives. 7
-If the United States Army is going to research hazardous chemical and biological agents, I’d hope that some white extremists could be part of that program. Once again, my prayers have been answered. John Stortstrom, a mechanical engineer who works for the Army’s Edgewood Chemical Biological Center, was one of 150 people who attended the American Renaissance Conference, which is hosted in Tennessee by the publishers of the journal American Renaissance.
According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, American Renaissance is a “ journal dedicated to race and intelligence, with a heavy focus on the ‘psychopathology’ of black people. Its editor has written that black people are incapable of sustaining any kind of civilization.” Maybe we should get this Stortstrom guy away from the chemicals? Give him a mop or a broom, or anything that doesn’t have sharp points on it. 10
-Suspected bed-wetter Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism for producing a huge pile of verbal shit in the form of the following sentence from her latest column:
“Why can’t the country be more or less the ethnic composition that it always was? The 50–1 Latin American-to-European ratio isn’t a natural phenomenon that might result from, say, Europeans losing interest in coming here and poor Latin Americans providing some unique skill desperately needed in our modern, technology-based economy.”
I hate to be that guy that reads between the lines and arrives at a logical conclusion, but fuck it. YOLO.
Ann Coulter is saying that Hispanic immigration to the United States is unnatural. She also wishes that we could go back to a time when white people were the unquestioned majority in the U.S. She’s not even trying to seem like she’s not racist. For her blatantly horrible behavior, I salute Grand Wizard Ann Coulter. RACIST
@YesYoureRacist’s 10 Most Racist Retweets of the Week [all grammar sic'd]:
10. @kushkitty: “This is why I don't watch the news; Yesterday they said ur life can be ordered by Obama to be taken. Fuck that ni**er, fuck this country”
7. @jxhia: I'm not racist, but I am to you "slutty type" of species.
6. @_mimismarie: “I'm not racist but I'm fully convinced that all black chicks tweet about is how they're freaks in bed & have bomb pussy.”
4. @bennywhoelse: “Im not racist but I just wanna keep my blood clean, I support my roots.”
3. @donovanswift: “I'm not racist, but I wish someone would hate crime the shit out of Tyler Perry”
2. @Graymoneyy: “I'm not racist but chances are of you're Mexican you'll annoy me. Not bc you're Mexican but Mexicans just have this attitude”
1. @rangerwomen: “OBAMA IS GOING DOWN LIKE THE NI**ER HE IS”
TIger Woods photo via
Last Week in Racism:
One of Our Writers Went on an All-Alcohol Diet for a Week
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 1
Paris Lees: The 21 Sexiest Things About Sex
'Weird Al' Yankovic Explains How He Conquered the Internet
Tao of Terence: One Version of 'One Version of Terence McKenna’s Life'
Austin's Music Scene Should Get Less Hetero
VICE Meets: Jim Norton on His Comedy Career and 'The Jim Norton Show'
A Few Impressions: James Franco’s ‘Blood Meridian’ Test
No Higgs Boson of Hitler: Ron Rosenbaum Explains 'Explaining Hitler'