Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll - Butt Sniffers and Weed

SEX -Butt Sniffers

Moving to New York marked my sexual liberation. I had escaped from my small Southern college to the land of boys with long hair and girls with short nails (Get it?? Because they're lesbians.) Free to finally eat some pussy and never fuck a guy my age ever again. It was my experiences with older men that introduced me to butt sniffing. A particular gentlemen would be fucking me from behind and I could hear him sniffing while humping."Sniff sniff sniff, moan." At first I was a little freaked out, but it grew on me. Having your ass sniffed is hot. It's animalistic. Forget being civilized, inhale my pheromones and let's fuck like the primates we are. It makes you feel powerful. You got that hard from smelling my ass? Wait until you get inside it!

I'm more of a receiver than a giver when it comes to butt sniffing. For me, sticking my nose in someone else's bum is more interesting than arousing. "Oh, so that's your flavor. Hmm, musty." It probably sounds dirty and disgusting to prudes, but butt-sniffing kinks are way more common than you'd imagine. It's fucking science. If it grosses you out you should probably invest in a blow-up doll and set your partner free to find someone who will appreciate their stench.

Butt-sniffing gives way to a lot of top/bottom play. A top forcing their ass in someone's face or enjoying your tied-up bottom's bum; there's plenty of fun to be had.

For vanilla newbies interested in exploring ass stank, here are some ideas. Next movie night touch your asshole then hold your fingers up to your partner's nose. I guarantee they'll forget all about the god damn Hunger Games and immediately ask you to sit on their face. Or, bend your partner over and stick your nose in that ass like it's a glazed doughnut fresh out of the oven. Then eat the fuck out of it. Bon appetit!

DRUGS- Weed Is Keeping Me Sober

We could all one up another with stories of stupid shit we've done from drinking. Drunk driving, unprotected sex, arrests, being felt up by a cabbie, whatever. We all have the tales so I'm not going to try and impress you with mine. Let's just say somewhat recently I hit my breaking point and have made an effort to cut back on drinking -- and weed is helping me do so.

I grew up in the Virgin Islands where most people exist in a perpetual rum coma. As Keith says in Life, "It's just something you do, like waking up or breathing." I take responsibility for all the times I've been a drunk mess, but it's hard to shake a routine you've grown up around. I'll still have a beer at a show, or a glass of wine to complement my dinner (don't let the dirty talk fool you, I'm a fancy broad with exquisite taste), but I've reached a point in my life where binge drinking has to stop. No more puking, no more punching. No more making out with inappropriate people. Wait -- scratch that last part; making out with inappropriate people is awesome.

When I drink in excess I can be mean, violent even. Remember in True Blood when Tara's alcoholic mother blamed her drinking on a demon? Not that I'm suggesting such a tale, but I can relate. When I'm wasted it's like a switch flips and I become a different person, a demonic one. When I smoke too much all that happens is I decide I'd rather stay in and masturbate.

I can hear the psychiatrists, and addiction specialists, and mommies, and daddies throwing up their hands and shrieking with disapproval.

"You can't trade one addiction for another! Marijuana is detrimental to your health too! Bad Sophie, bad!"

Bullshit.

I'm not talking about transforming into Woody Harrelson or changing my name to Soph Lion. In the eyes of the stoners reading this I'm probably Nancy fucking Reagan. I mean lately if I get home from work all stressed out rather than pour myself a drink, I take a hit of weed. At a party rather than partake in shots I'll be on the roof with my one-hitter. For me at least, the life-stye change has countless health benefits. Weed isn't the gateway drug - booze is. Since when have you smoked a joint and decided to hop in a stranger's car and buy a bag of blow at 3AM? Those things seem like a good idea after tequila, not weed.

So in conclusion: Stoney Spice is so much hotter than Drunk Spice.

ROCK 'N' ROLL - Caspian

Humans just can't shut the fuck up, am I right? Like, I get it, you're in pain. Oh, do you want to sing about it too? Terrific. The beautiful thing about classical music is there are no words. Most of us don't have the patience for classical music, but sometimes you just need to listen to lovely sounds without being burdened by someone else's thoughts to allow yourself to be alone with your own. Caspian is here to help.

A quintet from Beverly, MA, Caspian plays transcendent orchestral post-rock. Their latest album Waking Season comes out September 25th via Triple Crown Records. You'll find yourself listening to a song and think "cool, there's totally elements of heavy metal there" whereas other instrumental groups (*cough* Explosions in the Sky) can induce fantasies of punching a hippie.

Waking Season is the group's first album to incorporate vocals, although just barely, the abstract voices simply act as another instrument. I should warn you, a laughing baby appears out of nowhere on one track. Babies scare me because I know birthing one could destroy my vagina. I love my vagina.

In the name of my new savior Saint Mary Jane, put their record on and make beautiful stoned love. Listen while you're on the subway on the way to work in the mornings to prevent yourself from shoving people.

Catch them this fall touring with Minus the Bear. You can download their single "Halls of the Summer" here.

Previously: Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll - Clitoral Gel and Coke

@TheBowieCat