Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll

Sexual Flavors and Candy Tripping

By Sophie Saint Thomas

SEX - Masque Sexual Flavors

Do you despise the taste of your boyfriend's come so much you refuse to go down on him? You do? Well, he's cheating on you. Just kidding (but not). Anyway, if so Masque Sexual Flavors are for you!

Masque Sexual Flavors are breath strips designed to mask the taste of semen. According to Masque, "We partnered with an elite group of flavor experts who perfected a revolutionary formula that blocks the salt, bitter, and protein flavors (those most associated with fellatio) from the palate for up to fifteen minutes." Their publicist sent me four samples: mango, chocolate, watermelon and strawberry. An island girl, I decided to give mango a try and invited my boyfriend over for burgers and blow jobs.

As directed, midway through making love with my mouth, I popped in the strip. The face I made upon contact was so hideous that he laughed so hard he almost lost his boner. I felt like the dude in Alien with a parasitic extraterrestrial suctioned to my face, filling my respiratory system with artificial mango-flavored alien sperm. As I am a professional journalist, I powered through and finished the act.

To Masque's credit, I suppose it worked. The mango flavor certainly distracted from the taste of the come, but personally I much prefer the taste of my boyfriend. I had originally planned on testing out all four flavors, but after trying the mango I decided I'd rather just have more sex than eat another neon-strip full of chemicals and artificial flavors. Fifteen minutes my ass, the taste lingered on my palate for hours, ruining my usual come-chaser of champagne and cheese.

You know those ads for Sheets breath strips? No one wants to see you take a sheet mid-blowie. (What's a reverse blumpkin? A rumpkin?)  Anyway, my final verdict is that Masque Sexual Flavors are distracting and unnecessary. However boys and girls, if you really hate the taste of jizz and want to give these a try, you can purchase a three pack for $9.95 at yourmasque.com.

DRUGS - Candy Tripping

According to Urban Dictionary, the most culturally informative dictionary on the web, candy tripping is defined as "when someone is tripping on ecstasy and LSD at the same time." These days no one takes "ecstasy" anymore, it's all about "molly," which is supposed to be the same drug, but as traditional ecstasy pills became increasingly cut with adulterants, the crystalline form became more popular for its supposed chemical purity. Don't kid yourself, it can still be cut with some pretty nasty shit. 

I'm old-fashioned. I prefer black to neon, Kraftwerk to Afrojack, and if you use the term "banger," you goddamn better be a British lad talking about sausages. Hence, I'm wary of MDMA. Too much of some bad shit and you can find yourself in bed for days wondering why you ever gave up cutting. Meanwhile, I've had extremely positive experiences with LSD, so the idea of combining a first-class ticket to Narnia with shoddy molly was like having a threesome with Jim Morrison and Paris Hilton. 

And then I had an isolated experience that opened my mind. During my hippie years I attended All Good Festival in West Virginia. "I'm going to take it easy, stick with weed and beer and just enjoy the music," I thought to myself. Then several hours and a six pack later, I was dipping my finger in a bag of pure MDMA, and when a friend offered me acid, well that seemed like a great idea too. If you're not familiar with All Good, it is one of the crunchiest, hairiest, happiest festivals out there. Smiles and hula hoops and dreadlocks and babies with flowers in their hair. I was sitting on a mountain watching Further, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead's band, perform when the drugs kicked in. It was a calm happy, not an ecstatic happy, like I knew everything was going to be OK and there was no better feeling than being alive. I felt simultaneously like the most important and least significant thing in the universe and that made me LAUGH. The definition of candy tripping describes the experience perfectly, it simply was an LSD trip accented with feelings of ecstasy.

Since what I took was pure my withdrawal was minimal. I'm happy to leave my candy tripping experience behind with my tie-dye t-shirts, too much MDMA truly can be harmful over time. If you're going to candy trip, do it with people you trust in a comfortable environment and know your drug source. If you buy molly from some toothless townie who snuck into Bonnaroo, you're buying meth, honey.

ROCK 'N' ROLL - Skip Rage

Fuck the weekend. New York is all about Monday through Thursday, and no one knows that better than Raider Klan. (Raider Klan is sometimes spelled Raider Klvn; they like to exchange Vs for As and should read this.)

A movement created by SpaceGhostPurrp, Raider Klan is a party-hungry social club and network of young emerging artists. I was first introduced to the Klan at a Purrp show where I was sent to investigate the many meanings of Purrp. SpaceGhostPurrp made them relevant but now another member's star is rising--and his name is Skip Rage.

Skip was born and raised in Jamaica, Queens. When he was ten, his pops bought him records and a pair of turntables. Pretending to be Play form House Party, Skip began to experiment with music. His father is an important influence. Skip continues to draw inspiration from his father--from raging to doing hoodrat shit with his friends. Skip's turn-ons are (safe) group sex, having his nipples licked, and beer-drinking white bitches with a black attitude. Skip's turn-off is Jesus freaks. These days, it's only beer and loud (dank weed, ya ninnies) for Skip, but he says he keeps molly around for the babes.

Skip Rage is one of those rappers who can spit at a rapid-fire pace without sounding sloppy, a rarity for someone still developing their flow. The video that caught my attention is "RVGE." It's got New York, smoke rings, and enough ladies for one of Skip's all-female orgies.

Catch Skip performing August 14 at Tammany Hall for album mate Ferrari Snowday's release party.

You can download "RVGE" here.

Previously: Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll #1 

@TheBowieCat

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