Serial Killers I'd Sex Up
Let’s face it—serial killers are total dreamboats. I mean, Anders Behring Breivik? Have you been following his trial? Did you know he is actually 13-feet-tall? Can you imagine that Aryan Thor ravaging your vagina? There’s just something about blood-splattered bad boys that makes me want to tame their animalistic spirit and then mount them like a wild, majestic horse that I am about to have sex with. While I may never find my perfect Patrick Bateman IRL, there are several other swoon-worthy psychos who are, thankfully, too sick to be fictional.
Who wouldn’t want to play doctor with Dr. Henry Howard Holmes, one of America’s very first serial killers? I’d strip down to the bone for this medical man gone mad, if only to satisfy his habit of meticulous flesh-peeling. And not only did he have impeccable style (that bowler!) and a ‘stache to rival that of any Williamsburg resident today, he was also an aficionado of architectural design. His elaborate “murder castle,” which opened as a hotel during the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, was a maze of hallways-to-nowhere and gas-chamber guestrooms—a labyrinth of love that I would pay big bucks to spend a night in.
Year Arrested: 1894
Total Victims: 4 - 200
Charles Starkweather (1938-1959)
Did somebody say “self-loathing teenager with an inferiority complex and an obsession with James Dean”? Sounds like me in high school! Charles Starkweather, you and I would have gotten along just fine. There is nothing sexier than a guy I can’t bring home to Mom and Dad. Starkweather’s 14-year-old girlfriend probably felt the same way after he murdered her parents and swept her up on a romantic roadtrip/killing spree throughout the Midwest. Ah, young love.
Year Arrested: 1958
Total Victims: 12
Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka
It probably wouldn’t be too hard to become the meat in this adorable sandwich, considering Paul and Karla were notoriously into that sort of thing (and killing people!). To be honest, I could do without the animal anesthesia, but then again the Canadian edition Ken and Barbie could probably convince me to do anything. Although it’s widely known that God hates Canada, Paul and Karla were a pretty Bible-conscious couple. Their beliefs in the sanctity of marriage were so strong, in fact, that when Paul found out Karla wasn’t a virgin, they decided it was only fair for him to take the virginity of Karla’s sister in her stead. Some may call it too Old Testament, but I just call it romantic.
Year Arrested: 1993
Total Victims: 3+
Paul John Knowles
I can’t even imagine the kind of moan-inducing love letters this guy must have written to convince his jail-time pen pal it would be a good idea to get engaged upon their very first meeting—which occurred while he was still locked up for petty crimes, no less. While his desperate fiancé was soon brought to her senses by a (clearly jealous) psychic bitch, no prediction of impending doom could have kept me from Paul John Knowles’s rugged jawline and conveniently pullable hair. He certainly wouldn’t have needed a gun to get through my bedroom door, although it did seem to come in handy during his numerous romantic conquests. They didn’t call him the “Casanova Killer” for nothing.
Year Arrested: 1974
Total Victims: 18-35
What makes me love Robledo Puch, aka The Black Angel, even more than the fact that he’s River Phoenix’s long-lost twin, is how heartbreakingly young he was when he went all homicidal maniac on some Argentinians. My poor baby was barely even 20 years old by the time he got arrested for his accomplished assortment of offenses, including 11 murders and 17 robberies. Oh, sweet prince, how I wish they let you bloom! LE SIGH.
Year Arrested: 1972
Total Victims: 11
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