English Police Are on Alert for 'Vigilante Action' After Someone Had Human Shit Smeared in Their Mouth at an NYE Party

This article originally appeared on VICE UK

In an incident that makes staying in and watching Jools Holland repeatedly say the words "boogie woogie" sound fun, police in Somerset are investigating an incident in which a New Year's Eve partygoer was stripped, shaved, thrown in a pond, and—and there's not really any good way to say this, so let's just kick to it—had shit rubbed in their mouths. Human shit. The worst of all the shits.

As the Wells Journal reports, police are investigating the shit-in-mouth incident after a video of the event did the rounds on social media, because it turns out The Minority Report was wrong and the only form of crime reporting in the future will be via misguided tweets rather than a psychic having a premonition in a bath.

Quick walk through of the video: a victim passes out at a house party, and their head is partially shaved and they are stripped naked—classic unimaginative move. Then someone rubs human shit in their mouths and a group coordinate to pick them up and throw them, still naked and shit-mouthed, into a garden pond, actions that pass right through banter and straight into vile.

Thing about rubbing your shit into someone else's mouth is: you're still the scrubber in all this, aren't you? You can't mock someone who got shit rubbed in their mouth if it was your shit that you rubbed in their mouth. There was a kid at our school who used to pick up dried old dog turds, desiccated by the summer heat, and throw them at lads in younger years before laughing at them for having turd particles on their coats. There is no logic in a man who is willing to pick up a shit to make a point. There is no arguing with them. They just want to watch the world burn, while shunning antibacterial gel.

Avon and Somerset Police Inspector Mark Nicholson told the paper: "We are aware of the incident through social media and would like to encourage anyone who witnessed it to come forward. Anti-social behavior is treated seriously and anyone who wishes to come forward to talk to us about the incident is welcome to contact us."

Weirder, though, is he added that the force was monitoring social media threats to find the shit rubbers and, presumably, rub shit into their mouths in retaliation. "Vigilante action will not be tolerated and any incidents will be treated seriously," Nicholson warned.

Does this mean Somerset will soon turn into some Gotham City–esque crime hotspot, where gangs of vigilantes go around pinning each other down and rubbing shit in each others' mouths? If people are willing to put a balaclava on and take to the streets rubbing shit in people's mouths willy-nilly as some vague form of retaliation, then maybe it's best we don't have the death penalty in this country.

Anyway, goes without saying, but: next time you're at a party and someone passes out, don't rub one of your shits in their mouth. Just draw a dick on their forehead with a permanent marker, or something like that.

If you live in Somerset and you know who rubbed shit in someone's mouth on New Year's Eve then you can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 1111. Similarly, if one of your mates has a newly shaved head and a thousand-yard stare, maybe buy them a pint and be nice to them.

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