Music writer Sophie Saint Thomas gets wild and freaky/physical in this latest installment of Shuffle and Splooge. "Hakuna Matata" by Simba, Timon and Pumbaa "Vivrant Thing" by Q-Tip
My man friend and I go skipping out of Planned Parenthood, test results in hand. HIV negative! "It means no worries, for the rest of our days!" we joyously sing. Hakuna. Matata. Hakuna Matata. Screw this skipping, we got bare back fucking to do. We hail a cab. Once back at his apartment, I romantically yank down my pants and bend over the couch. With gusto my boyfriend begins to hump when out slips a fart. He admits he found his aroma lacked a certain appeal, he could clear the Savannah after every meal. Ah, monogamy! The joy of farting freely and fucking raw. Ain't no passing phase. After months of waiting and four minutes of thrusting I experience the joy of his load being released into my cootchie. Slimy, yet satisfying. Hakunnnaaaa!
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I'd like to take this moment to thank OkCupid for solving the age old question, "where can I find a pretty Latino lady that also likes to occasionally eat some puss?" Special girl, real good girl. Your ass is the biggest thing in my itty bitty world. I take her to Elsa on our first date. She drinks tequila on the rocks. Slow down baby, I'm tryna taste you later. We've both got a man in our life, but we give each other space and not the evil eye. I take her to my place and throw her down on the bed. My cat's staring at me like "don't even try to hide cause the spot's blown up." My tongue slips inside—sweeter than Ben and Jerry. Shorty thought she was subtle but she really was blatant when she shook her thing and violated. When it's my turn I come so fast I wonder if I'm not full on gay."Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay
Nigga, this is the 15th motherfuckin' time that I called and left yo ass messages. What the fuck is you doin'? Who the fuck is you out there with you think I'm stupid? MY MAN IS LATE. Who the fuck stays out to dawn for "work drinks?" Work drinks my ass! He at the strip club. Finally he has the balls to show up. So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick. "Weren't you just eating some Puerto Rican pussy last night?" he axe me. I tell his ass to shut up. He grab me and pins me up against the wall. I tell him he best keep that stanky ass dick away from me. He want a new bitch to fuck then that's fine, but don't fuck hers then try to fuck mine! He pulls off my thong and shoves it in my mouth. "I might break bread with one or two strippers, but that don't mean you gotta pull my zipper. I got dick to go round" he tell me as he shoves himself inside me even though I'm still yelling. You know when your pussy wet even though you mad as fuck? If he give me herpes ima cut his dick off.@TheBowieCat