Shut Up and Press Play

 This isn't the first time we've told you this, but, Dear DJ's: Do your fucking job already and stop telling us about it.

First and foremost, let me preface by saying that I am actively involved in the Electronic Dance Music scene. I run MiamiFadeCounty.com, an "arts" and electronic dance music site, write routinely on the subject for both Noisey and the Creators Project, and every few months, design and host events for up-and-coming DJ's, producers, and artists. With that being said, there's a growing trend within the EDM community to which I would like to effectively put an end: DJ's pontificating on and self-legitimizing over what it is they actually do. Which is simple: DJ's select and play music for other people. But lately, according to DJ's, it's a lot more complicated than that.

It began like this: In a #relevant interview with (relevant 30 years ago, maybe) Rolling Stone, Canadian mega-producer deadmau5 identified himself and a number of music festival contemporaries as "button-pushers," due, in no small part, to a job description that involves putting your hands in the air, occasionally throwing cakes at fans (mean-spiritedly, too, amrite?), and, well, pushing buttons. Then, after his words prompted everyone from David Guetta to cry foul, and Sebastian Ingrosso from Swedish House Mafia to confound everyone with the claim that, "I think that what the Beatles have done is what we do today," the 'mau5 felt the need to clarify. In a tumblr post entitled, "We All Hit Play," deadmau5, real name Joel Zimmerman, tore into the idea that festival DJ's, and, essentially, DJ's worldwide, do anything more than just that.

Rife with potent quotables including, "Given about one hour of instruction, anyone with minimal knowledge of Ableton and music tech[nology] in general could DO what I'm doing," and, "ANY DJ in the WORLD who can match a beat can do what 'ANYONE else' is doing on their EDM stages too," the entire tirade threw the EDM community into an existential crisis. Subtle barbs were thrown via twitter. Dubstep demigod Bassnectar chimed in, astutely comparing DJing to "running," in that (and this is an actual quote that I've reduced for posterity's sake), "You can run a race, you can run in place, you can run to escape danger, you can run towards someone you love […] There are a million ways to run and a million ways to do it. Same with DJing." Someone you could actually refer to as a "dubstep demigod" actually wrote that.

Finally, "Real DJ" A-Trak fired his two pyrite pennies back on "real website," the Huffington Post. In his piece, entitled, "Don't Push My Buttons," (penned under his DJ name, rather than his real name, because, you know, he's won "five world DJ Championships," excuse you), A-Trak, born Alain Macklovitch, expounded, at length, the differences between turntablism, "technique and selection," and festival DJing versus festival curation. Then, he threw down the gauntlet. "Real DJing lives when you witness someone play for hours and take risks, reading the crowd and surprising them at the same time." Ok. Except then, he negated everything he wrote in his entire post by concluding that, "DJing is still at the cutting edge of new music."

Oh yeah, right. Try watching that last clip without crying. I started cutting myself at, "Heck yeah." Which brings me to my point: Dear DJs, you might be nice people. (Some of) you might even be smart people. But the only people who care about your opinions on the subject of DJing are yourselves, the handful of music writers who are literally still just finding out about this shit, and yourselves.

This is a formal request for a moratorium on self-legitimizing. Everyone's a DJ today, from these guys, to this guy to this guy, so calling yourself a "proper DJ" is like bragging about having nails on your fingers. You're not getting paid to tell me about your position on vinyls versus CDJ's versus "ughhh, (you sigh, exasperatedly) laptop DJ's…" I'm not asking you to deconstruct the Viking boat drummer's relevance to modern turntablism, either. I'm asking you to play some fucking music for the people at my party. Can you do that? Cool. Here's some money, now leave. I propose that we re-appropriate to disc-jockeying the fashion industry edict, "Models should be seen and not heard." True. DJ's should be heard and not spoken to, at least until well-after they've performed the task at hand. (This applies to the audience, too-- unless you're dropping money, don't ask the DJ for anything).

I don't care if you're juggling six seven-inches on six $2000 turntables, hitting the "party horn" keyboard shortcut Virtual DJ, or mixing volume levels via Youtube clips… You could be scratching fucking cuneiform, for all I care; a good set speaks for itself, so do that. Or don't. Regardless, enough with the ontology. You sound like the guy-who-won't-leave-on-way-too-much-coke-at-5am. Oh wait, you are him. Finally, if we're getting into media, if you really, absolutely have to compare DJing to an art form, as Bassnectar, A-Trak, and anyone who's been paid more than $50 for a gig probably has at some point, consider yourself a curator. Select what you want, arrange it appropriately, and have yourself a drink. Maybe you'll sell some paintings :: maybe you'll book another gig. Who knows? You might even get laid-- but you're not going anywhere if you spend the whole night tooting your own air raid siren. That makes you as cool next to as the hedge fund manager drinking the vodka cranberry standing in the corner. And while the two of you might be able share some great connects for Rohypnol, there's a reason the rest of the party's upstairs, hoping to God that you don't find them. So let's get back to the reason why DJ's become DJ's, and stick with that: the free drinks, some money, and the recognition that you're doing something important by sort-of dancing, twiddling your fingers, and shutting your fucking mouth. Let's keep it that way.

@emersonyeah

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