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      Give Me Ryan's Car

      January 14, 2008
      From the column 'Skinema'

      Dick1From Chris Nieratko: Hey friends,
      What are you wearing? I mean, what are you doing?

      I have a small favor to ask:
      HELP ME WIN RYAN SHECKLER'S CAR.

      Ryan and I are complete opposites: He's young, I'm old. He's skinny, I'm fat. I cannot 360 flip lipslide a rail, BUT I already found a chill girl. So I'm one step ahead of him in that department. BUT he has a 2003 land rover. And I want it. And he'll give it to me if I raise the most money for cancer. So help me win Ryan's car!

      I figure if everyone donates just $2 each, I'm a shoe-in. Sure, $2 can feed a family in Africa rice for a month or maybe help some crappy death-metal band from Iraq get a gig, but Africa is such an 80s cause and who listens to death metal anymore?

      This is 2008 and materialism is where it's at. It's the most worthy cause I can think of. I mean aside from this cancer thing that we're raising money for. So if you don't mind, click here and donate a couple bucks. I really need a new car. I mean, cancer would appreciate it.

      No. Wait. That's not right. Cancer will be pissed if you donate money. This is anti-cancer stuff. Don't you want to rebel against cancer? Pretend cancer is your parents. Tell cancer how much you hate it by donating $2 or more now. Operators are standing by.

      Thanks,
      CHRIS NIERATKO

      Shecklercar

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