NewSensations.com
Rating: 10 Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party? If so, you're lucky. It seems like such a nice gesture; a real display of love and caring. To think someone would go to all that trouble to make sure you were happy… it's very special. And although no one has ever done that for me, and probably never will, I imagine that the feeling I got when I watched the first scene of Girls on Girls #2 is very similar to how one would feel walking into his own surprise party, like, "Oh my God! You did this all for me?" Except in this case it wasn't cake and presents, it was cucumbers. And it was a thousand times better than a Batman/Elmo/Mr.T/Star Wars party rolled into one. Here were these two girls who have two platters piled high with every size cucumber imaginable, from tiny, cutesy, baby cucumbers to State Fair prize-winning humongo ones, and guess what they do with them? You're never going to guess. They stick them in their parts. All of their parts. The front one, the back one, the one with the teeth. Sometimes they put two cucumbers in one part and then another in the other part. What I want to know: Is this what goes on in the vegetarian scene? Is that what vegetarians do on a Friday night? Just totally pork out with vegetables? Did they give up meat simply because ramming a London broil in their ass just wasn't sanitary? I mean, my fianceé is vegetarian, and before seeing this movie I kept telling her to grow up, but if her lifestyle choice is a direct reflection of what her and her friends put inside each other when I'm out of town then I'm backing her 100%. (Did I ever tell you about the football player that went to my high school who passed out one New Year's Eve and was ass raped with a cucumber by his teammates? It's pretty fucked up. Remind me to tell you some time.) I've actually become more supportive of her eating after this movie. I like to imagine every piece of asparagus, every sliver of potato, has been in her butt before she ate it. It also has made me more friendly to vegetarians on the whole. Before, at dinner parties, when listening to their picky ordering I'd want to stab them in the face with a fork and tell them, "Fuck off! You'll eat what you get and you'll like it," but now I watch as they get the bean-and-rice burrito and I look into their eyes as the waitress sets it on the table, and I know. I know that all they want to do at that very moment is stand up, drop their pants, bend over that table and stick that tasty veggie burrito right up their ass. And in some strange way I envy them, because no matter how you prepare steak, it's just not that exciting. Three For All #4
NewSensations.com
Rating: 4 Remember when you first saw Empire Strikes Back? You wanted to be Han Solo. Not at the end when he got frozen and shit, but the rest of the movie. And you thought it was the greatest movie of all time and wished that George Lucas could be your father. Then Return of the Jedi came out and you looked around the theater to make sure you weren't on some distant planet called BULLSHIT. You sat there wondering how the same guy who invented snow outfits for stormtroopers could create such an amazing piece of crap. Well, this DVD came in the same box as Girls on Girls #2 and I was basically feeling the same way as when I first saw the Ewoks. OK, it's New Sensations, and the back of the box cover shows a photo of cover girl Claudia Ferrari riding cock while a champagne bottle is being stuffed in her ass and that seems awesome, perhaps on par with the veggie orgy and this is going to be great. But when I put the disc in I learned the scene is sadly omitted from the film. I mean, there's a photo of a bottle in an ass on the box but there's no bottle in any ass anywhere in the movie. So I went looking. I found one bottle up one ass in the bonus section, but it was for, like, five seconds and it wasn't even while anybody had their pecker in her parts. I think the girl just sat on it and it all happened so quickly that by the time I saw her grab the champagne bottle and I turned to my girl and said, "Hey! Hey! Wake up. I found it. I think she's gonna put it in her ass. Wake up!" the bottle was already out of the ass. Isn't that false advertising? Not that the porn industry has much moral footing, nor do I expect it to suddenly adopt any sudden puritan values, but I do expect a certain degree of truth when it comes to billing. I do not want any white meat in my All Black films, when they say 100% double penetration I expect both holes to be filled; when they say double vaginal you better believe I'm counting, and when they show a bottle up an ass, damn it, there better be a bottle. I don't think it's asking too much. To make up for this fraud, I think New Sensations should make an All Bottle video. One Heineken in the mouth, a Möet in the ass and one of those gallons of Carlo Rossi in the front. And I don't care if the suction does yank out the girl's innards, I think they owe it to me, I mean us. Who's with me? CHRIS NIERATKO