Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy
Dir: Rod Fontana
Hands down, this is the greatest DVD ever made! It is so amazingly retarded that it pushes the boundaries of what is awesome. Like the iPod and the calculator watch, this movie begs the question, “Why didn’t anyone think of that before?” The concept behind Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy is so groundbreaking, I’m not even sure how to describe it. The people at Kick Ass Pictures call it “Pussy Pumpin’” and the press release states, “Last year we asked a team of German engineers to develop a pussy pump for women. After months of research, they produced a prototype called the KA-90.” The KA-90 is without a doubt the greatest sex-enhancing product ever made and I’m sure when it is released this summer it will surpass Cabbage Patch Kids and Furbys as the most sought-after gift ever. It is basically just a fancy-looking basketball pump with a clear hose coming off it, which attaches to a see-through four-inch suction cup. The suction cup is applied to a girl’s vagina and the hand pump is then used to INFLATE her pussy lips. That’s right. Pump up her pussy. After a few minutes the lips are so big and swollen that it looks like someone took a baseball bat to them and lumped them up something good. It is the weirdest-looking thing I have ever seen with my two eyes. (That’s a slight exaggeration. I once saw a girl fuck a man’s piss hole with a vibrator. And another time I saw a guy who had a sex change fuck a girl who also had a sex change. That was pretty fucked up.) It’s almost like a cartoon, like someone inflated the pussy with air. Tie a string to the damn thing and you’ve got a pussy balloon. Why would anyone want a pussy balloon? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because they’re fucking cool-looking? Who cares? Someone has figured out a fun new use for the pussy, that’s all that should matter. I’m just amazed by how elastic the damn thing is. One girl pumps up her cunt so much that it fills the entire suction cup. At one point I thought her pussy was going to explode. And it’s all in slow motion. You’re like, “No way is that thing going to get any bigger.” It’s like watching a soufflé rise. It’s not like these girls have big gaping holes or saggy roast-beef lips to begin with; these are all rather healthy, intact, petite pussies we’re talking about. In the end, though, I doubt even the owner of each cunt would be able to pick theirs out of a police line-up. Yet I don’t think they really care either way. It seems like all the girls are having a good time mangling their piss parts. One of the chicks, Mandy Bright, is so into it that she lets a guy cum in her swollen pussy, then reapplies the suction cup and siphons the jizz out, you see it going up the tube, then she removes the rig and drinks it down. Do you remember the first time you ever saw the sunset over the water with your special lady/man? It’s like your heart stops dead and goes up in your throat and you know that moment will be etched in your mind for eternity. Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy is like two hours of that exact feeling.