Steak and Blow Job Day... and Beyond

Today, March 14, is Steak and Blow Job Day. If you didn't know that already, I pity you. But don't worry, I won't leave you in the dark: Steak and Blow Job Day is an American tradition, a day when straight guys can escape the tyranny of feminist constructs like Valentine's Day.

Traditionally Steak and Blow Job Day is a day when millions of straight guys get together to suck each other's dicks with steak in their mouths. Society may say that it's wrong for millions of straight men to break free from their macho straitjackets to enjoy succulent, meaty oral sex for 24 hours. But society doesn't understand how exhausting it is for us to project an image of stultifying heteronormativity at all times. That's why society doesn't understand a bunch of cute, straight guys in hilarious T-shirts taking ONE DAY out of the year to say, "Hey man, good job. Wanna put your penis in my mouth? It'll go real well with that steak that's in there already." For years, the world has had to stand back and tolerate the carnival of male oppression known as "marriage" that women use to keep us face-down in the dirt. It's a sad fact that Planet Earth has forgotten about the straight man. It's a niche world, my friend, and what with all the gays, and the women, and the animals vying for attention, the straight man is being ignored. That in mind, I've put together a list of other majority celebration days that I think we could all wish into existence if we close our eyes and concentrate really, really hard. After all, if a straight man can win the right to eat meat and receive oral sex, anything's possible.

WHITE HISTORY MONTH
Slavery this, emancipation that. Why is everyone so fixated on black history these days? White history is so much less stressful. Did you guys know, for instance, that in 1750, white people were mostly totally fine? And that, in 1256, white people were also mostly totally fine? But I suppose, oh, we can't celebrate that because NWA didn't write a song about it. STRAIGHT PRIDE MARCH
If the gays don't want to suck my dick on Steak and Blow Job Day, then frankly they don't deserve their own festival. Let's cancel Gay Pride and get some hetero dick sucking going on instead.

INTERNATIONAL DAY OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T DISABLED
You guys know how much tax money has been used in the last 50 years to make public spaces and buildings more accessible to non-disabled people? NONE, that's how much. So why, after demanding ramps in maybe 5 percent of Western buildings, do disabled guys ALSO get a whole international day to themselves? Let's reclaim it for able-bodied people everywhere. WORLD HAVEN'T-GOT-CANCER DAY
 Do I have cancer? No! Do you have cancer? No! So let's have a party! I never understood why anyone would want to celebrate cancer, anyway. At least not for 24 whole hours. HOLOCAUST FORGETTING DAY
Imagine if people could just forget this whole thing even happened. Meeting German people wouldn't be nearly as awkward. INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR CHILDREN WITH HOMES
Let's take a minute to think about all the children suffering in their homes. WORLD HIV NEGATIVE DAY
How about we start a day to celebrate people who're going to live long enough to be grateful. WORLD ENDANGERING ANIMALS DAY
For one day we will eat animals. We will hunt animals. We will have a party. We will have fun. We will feel free. WORLD MENTALLY STABLE DAY
Mentally stable people are the backbone of our society, and it's nuts to suggest otherwise.

PS: If you already knew it was Steak and Blowjob Day, odds are, you're a prick. Happy prick day, you prick.