Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody

Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody
Dir: Axel Braun
Rating: 10
www.vividvideo.com

I'll apologize up front—this will be the nerdiest porn review you've ever read. The most successful major motion pictures in recent years have been superhero movies, and the most lucrative pornos over the past five years have been spoofs, so it's no surprise that there have been a shit-ton of superhero spoofs lately, the most recent of which is the remake of the 1976 oversize DC/Marvel crossover Superman vs. the Amazing Spider-Man.

I don't know whether I've ever told you this, but I grew up as a total comics geek and started reading them long before the likes of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway would have anything to do with nerds. My plan was to be the next great comic-book writer in the tradition of Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman, but then I found out there was no money in writing comics. At the time, the majority of the people in the field starved for their passion (like most VICE employees), and so I chose a different career path. But I've always wanted to go back and retool some of the characters I loved as a child. It's funny that porn has so embraced comic-book spoofs, because 20 years ago, when I got my first comics gig, I planned to sexualize the medium; it seemed like the thing lonely fanboys were craving. In one of my old Moleskine notebooks from the 90s I had jotted down these fantastic trysts gone wrong (I was always a Marvel guy, in case you're wondering why there were no DC scenarios):

•Cyclops banging Jean Grey (the ultimate lay because she knows your mind's every desire). Upon climax, his ruby-quartz glasses get knocked off and he blows her head off. It devastates him to his core, to the point that he becomes a serial killer-rapist.

•A young, gay Doctor Octopus gives four handjobs simultaneously in a Penn Station bathroom for money in a reworking of Jim Carroll's The Basketball Diaries.

•Captain America making Nazi shiza films (no plot noted; visually stunning).

•Blob and Puck (a midget and the world's fattest man would look hilarious fucking each other).

•Ghost Rider and the Human Torch gangbang Firestar while a cuckolded Iceman whacks off in the corner.

I never really envisioned Spider-Man fucking. His wife, Mary Jane Parker? Definitely. But not Spider-Man. I always thought Spider-Man sucked. He was a guy who could crawl on shit and shoot webs—essentially, a mere mortal—and so I scoffed at the Superman vs. the Amazing Spider-Man comic when it was released. I'm no Superman fan by any means—I need my characters to be borderline psychotic, doing good for bad reasons (Wolverine, Punisher, Batman)—but let's face it: Superman would fuck up Spider-Man, no question. Superman would fuck anybody up—that's his thing, he fucks people up. I really don't understand why or how, 75 years later, people are still buying Superman comics because we all know how every issue will end. So when Axel Braun sent me his latest porno spoof, with the exact cover design of that 37-year-old comic, I puked in my mouth a little and thought, Really? These two again? Fuck me.

But all that disdain went out the window as soon as I saw a busty Black Cat giving Spider-Man a blowjay on the roof of a building.

More nerdiness can be found at Chrisnieratko.com and @Nieratko on Twitter.

Previously - No Warning 7: Ambushed