For this week's Mahal, Jade and I decided to take a trip to King Spa to escape the many threats of global warming. We waited for a sketchy shuttle to bring us to way-the-fuck-out-there, New Jersey along with a few other storm-exhausted Asians. The driver opened the doors, and we got on hoping we were going to the right place.
We reached our destination after an earsplitting, Top 40-filled ride, somewhat surprised that this place was actually real. We got inside, gave them our money, and in return they gave us our uniforms. The men's lockers and bathing rooms were on one side and the women's on the other, so we had to split up to change.
The second I walked into the locker room, I was surrounded by 20 penises. When we met back up, Jade said that all the women had bushes, which was natural and awesome. Jade heard that she had to get the "wet massage." Skeptical, she booked one anyway. All that was available for men was a dry massage, which didn't sound too good, but I went along with it. We hit the unisex hot rooms in the meantime until it was time for our appointments.
I was massaged through a giant, white sheet. It was weird. When Jade and I reunited, she sported a peculiar smile on her face. This is what she had to say:
"I walked up butt-naked and was greeted by a cute Asian woman in a lacy black bra and underwear. I already felt the giggles coming on. She oiled the table and told me to lie down. Next thing I knew, she got on top of me oiling me all over as well, nips and everything. I couldn't help but laugh at that point because I knew that this was going to be intense. The massage involved a lot of straddling and boob grabbing. And to my surprise, once she completed massaging one part, she would finish by slapping my ass. She had me in an oily-ass coma. It was GREAT. She finished me off (not that in that way you perv) with the best hair wash I ever had, and then put my hair in an extremely tight bun, directly on top of my head. I think she really liked me."
So, if you are a girl and extremely over New York's shitty weather, we strongly recommend King Spa.
Photos and words by: Taji Ameen and Jade Katz