Take a Stroll... with Rob Delaney - The Pickup
Apr 19 2012
Hello friends! If you stopped someone on the street and asked them what they thought about Rob Delaney, it's a safe bet they'd say "Rob Delaney? Well, he sure does love to help people!" And they'd be correct; helping my brothers and sisters navigate this crazy world is at the very top of my list. You guys deserve it!
Another thing I like to do is fuck people with sex. Have you ever done this? It's probably one of the nicest feelings there is. Kind of like sailing with friends on a beautiful spring day or eating a mango you pulled off a tree yourself.
BUT—you can't just sex a person's filth hole or wand without first getting them "on board" with your idea. You need a pickup line. Every great romance or bone sesh started with a pickup line, from Jesus and Mrs. Jesus all they way down to Angie and Billy Bob. Even your parents! (Yuck! JK, LOL your parents need and deserve to get their "F" on too, so grow up.)
Because you're a personal friend of mine, I wanted to share with you some pickup lines that I've used over the years. Some have worked, some have failed, but I really wanted you to see under the hood so you know it's a living, breathing process. Since I primarily try to sex women and ladies, these are mostly geared toward "the fairer sex." But if you're a homosexual man or a woman, just switch up the nouns with something that speaks to your bodyneeds and it should be "all systems go!"
I'm already very proud of you!
The Pickup Lines:
- Quick question: Is "Eat my fuck hammer" a good all-purpose pickup line?
- "I'd like to give that camel toe a pedicure" is proving to be an unusually successful pickup line.
- DO NOT USE THIS PICKUP LINE: "Bitch, I'm gonna throw a sex tomahawk at you."
- Tailor your pickup lines to the store you're in. "I'd like to glaze that muffintop," for example, works best in Lane Bryant.
- "I got a bunch of venison in my shed..." - Canadian pickup line
- "I guess I just feel that eating pussy is, like, a political act." - pickup line I use at liberal arts colleges
- "Please kill me with your tits" is my pickup line for this weekend.
- Is "Girl, you KNOW I gotta sniff that thing!" a good pickup line?
- "I will RENOVATE your butthole." - terrible pickup line
- "Bet it's pretty cozy up in that vagina of yours." - friendly pickup line for the colder weather
- Sometimes the dopest pickup line will already be out of my mouth before I remember I'm wearing my son in his Baby Bjorn.
- A good pickup line if you see a woman struggling with a bunch of grocery bags is "Wanna fuck?"
- NOTES FROM THE FIELD: "Cute little fart bakery you got there," is not a successful pickup line. (11/20, Los Angeles)
- "You got a pretty mouth" is a creepy pickup line. Instead, try "You look like you could give a donkey CPR."
- "Girl, I'll send your pussy home in a body bag." - pickup line that just very much did not work at the Wendy's in Culver City
- "Yo what's up girl the President just called & he needs you to do some Kegels on my face." - my pickup line for tonight
- "I'm not a doctor, but I've seen 'Patch Adams' twice, so can I play with your butthole?" - not my BEST pickup line
- 2 hot new pickup lines I'm using: "Nice dungarees!" & "Corey said I have AIDS but I don't."
- "Nice beefwhistle" is definitely the least successful pickup line I've used in a while.
- TEAM: Is "I want 2 make fuck pudding with u" a good pickup line?
- Terrible pickup line: "Do sex with me, you jerk!"
- I've tried this pickup line 3x, no success: "Do you come with a pamphlet or perhaps e-book, because girl I wanna fuck you right."
- TEAM: "Baby I gon' die you don't let me lick that Japanese pussy" is a bad pickup line EVEN IF SHE'S JAPANESE. Write that down.
Previously - Help Twitter and Your Country Today!
Paris Lees: The 21 Sexiest Things About Sex
'Weird Al' Yankovic Explains How He Conquered the Internet
Tao of Terence: One Version of 'One Version of Terence McKenna’s Life'
Austin's Music Scene Should Get Less Hetero
VICE Meets: Jim Norton on His Comedy Career and 'The Jim Norton Show'
A Few Impressions: James Franco’s ‘Blood Meridian’ Test
No Higgs Boson of Hitler: Ron Rosenbaum Explains 'Explaining Hitler'
The Sydney Photographer Cornering the Escort Promo Shot Market
Ibogaine, the Hallucinogenic Heroin Treatment, Is on Its Way to Afghanistan