I’m Psychic, So You’ll Get Your Answers

This is a new column where I’m going to interview famous people in the form of tarot card readings. The only problem is it is difficult to get them to agree. I don’t know, people have some hang-ups about things. Anyway, I’ll conduct the readings from my mom’s living room, by the phone. I started with Jon Benjamin, who has the show "Jon Benjamin Has a Van" on Comedy Central right now. It’s a sketch-comedy show where he does short things based on his weird ideas, which have the quality of being stuff he thought up walking down the street, and then executed with all the best comedians in the whole world. I was afraid to talk to him, but he was really nice.

VICE: Jon, I’m going to shuffle the cards, and if you could just flash openness for me.
Jon Benjamin: Do you uh… Like, I trust you know what you’re doing? You’re not gonna steer me in the wrong direction.

I know what I’m doing. I’m shuffling.
I fear the worst.

What?
You’re really shuffling them well.

No I’m laying them out now.
Oh, you have to wait for some sign.

No, I’m laying the cards out, Jon. I have to figure out what it all means.
Oh, OK. [Very long pause.] I don’t want to be pushy, but…

I laid out the cards.
I don’t want to make you describe everything you’re doing.

I’m shuffling again, because at the center of the reading, there was a card that said I had to do a small reading. (Short pause.) Hold on a second. Hold on.
This is what real psychics do, right? Stall for time.

No.
Because they charge by the minute.

I don’t know, Jon.
If it’s, like, ten minutes of shuffling--

I don’t know! Just let me… give me a moment!
Then that’s like – that’s not fair, you’re just shuffling, and then you say, "Well, I had to shuffle."

I’m just gonna take the headphones out of my ears now.
You’re the – what? Oh, yeah.

I won’t be able to hear whatever you say. (Long pause.)
I farted. That’s the benefit of phone readings. Can’t be too polite, to do that in a live reading. You back?

What did you say?
Nothing.

OK. This seems to be a reading about money.
It’s gonna be about money?

Yeah, it says that.
Yeah, it makes total sense.

Yeah, it said that you are a little worried about money.
Well, I’m Jewish. It’s in my blood. It’s actually in my blood. It’s made of money.

It said that’s the problem.
The problem is that I’m Jewish?!

No, the problem is that you’re pessimistic. It said actually you have everything that you need, but you look at what you don’t have. Which I think you could say to anybody, but it’s the card that says that.
That’s totally reasonable. But you’re a psychic, so that’s your job, saying what you could say to anybody.

It said that that’s the thing you have to let go of, that negative view.
That’s also the same thing psychics always say.

I have to look up what the Queen of Swords means.
[Laughs.]

Sorry.
No, it means you’re good at it.

Yeah, I’m good at it.
Like you’ve done it right, the first thing you said is perfect. Exactly what–

A psychic’s supposed to say, but it’s interesting, it –
Well, I don’t have enough money. That’s true.

Hmm. I’m surprised to hear you don’t, but I don’t, either.
You’d be surprised. You look at me and you’re like, “Wow—“

“He must have a lot of money.” But this doesn’t make any sense, it says your–
Well it’s like looking at a fat person and being like, “He must be so rich.”

“He must really eat a lot of good food.” Um. It said–it just isn’t true–but it said your goal is to connect with female sadness. That’s what it says.
To connect with female sadness? You mean like that’s my manipulation?

Normally a conscious goal would be like, “Oh, I want to make money,” but it said your conscious goal is to–
Connect with female sadness? Consciously? It’s a scheme?

It’s what you’re after, consciously.
Or am I like a sad girl inside, and I want to…?

Are you?
--meet other sad girls?

Is it true?
Well, it’s one of those two things. It’s either a scheme to meet sad girls, you know, like that’s my type.

You like sad girls?
Ummm. Yeah. They’re the easiest to take advantage of… financially

Well that makes sense, so maybe you’re just looking for a girlfriend.
Well, no! It could be that I am a sad girl and I like sad girls. Because, you know, you want to meet people who you’re –

You don’t come off like a sad girl. You come off like an arrogant man.
Well, yeah, but inside I’m a sad girl.

OK.
That’s why I want to meet them.

OK. It said in the near future you’re going to feel inspired. So that’s good.
I’m gonna feel inspired?

Yeah, you have some ideas coming, it said.
Good. Well, I always have ideas coming, they’re just meaningless.

What?
I guess it’s the dialectic. I come up with an idea, and turns out to be really meaningless, and then I have to come up with another one, and it continues that way.

What do you mean?
Well I come up with an idea for something that’s inspiring, and then the results are meaningless. And then I’ll come up with another idea. So that’s bad news.

Well, it’s definitely not a negative card.
You said I was pessimistic already, so I’m just proving your point.

But the cards told you not to be that way.
Right. Right right. Forgot about that part.

In a very positive way, it is saying you should be more pragmatic. And it is saying you should have long-term ideas.
Yeah, that’s true.

One is the King of Cups, which is creative, and the other is this like Michaelangelo card. And then it’s advice to you–
Wait, the what? What was the last part?

It’s like a Michaelangelo card. It’s like, meeting with the Pope and discussing the idea for the Sistine Chapel type of card—having a really big idea.
So it’s saying be more conventional somehow?

Pragmatic and having big ideas, like–
Like the Sistine Chapel.

Yeah, the cards suggest you do something like that.
That was just a big space, not a big idea.

And then the last card's advice to you is –
So bigger is better, as far as ideas go?

Yeah, and even like, there’s kind of a religious element to that card.
So, basically an idea that attracts tourists for years to come.

And this–um–I don’t really know what this card means. Its advice to you is: “Change of position, renewal or outcome.” It’s called the Judgment card. I never know what it means.
Change of position? What is it?

Yeah, I’m sorry.
You mean you can’t read that one? That’s bad! That’s the one I’m gonna lock in on.

Lemme think. Hold on.
What, I don’t want to lose that one. What’s the picture?

Maybe you should go to LA?
You mean physically change position. Like move?

I think so. Yeah, that’s what the cards say.
OK. That makes sense. I’d like to move out of my apartment.

Good. And then the outcome is… um, [long pause, singing to self softly] I don’t know. The Page of Cups. It’s like a very cheerful, uh…
Oh no.

But he’s happy, he’s a good guy. I’m sorry I don’t know what it means!
I got it. I need to move, I guess, and to become religious. Yeah, move to LA and start a church. I’m not sure whether you’re the best or the worst psychic.

OK, then. Thank you.
That’s it?

I you don’t have any questions? I could ask you…I’m just curious, what are you working on?
Oh. Nothing.

Really?
I gotta go do something soon. This is all I’ve done today.

Me, too.
I mean, I bought a humidifier. But that was like at 11. Then I made soup. I do that a lot, just because I got a slow-cooker.