The 2010 Global Fear League

We used to live in a world of butterflies, bonfires, and boating. Now we live in a world of dead butterflies, bonfires of dead bodies, and boats filled with pirates. We are all on our way out in a body bag marked “fucked,” in an ambulance of dread driven by a Muslim extremist called Hussein. Oh, and Hussein is from Yemen now, not Afghanistan, and definitely not Iraq. Where is that country anyway? Who the fuck knows or cares anymore? Get with the times, Mr 2006! So, before we’re all slaughtered in the street, I thought I’d let you know who’s likely to be doing the slaughtering:

IRAN

The situation: The guys in charge want to groom their massive beards, enrich some uranium, and deny the Holocaust. The rest of the country wants to watch Cheers, wear Bart Simpson t-shirts, and listen to Bruce Springsteen while employing a straightforward Ronald-Reagan-style interpretation of The Boss which ignores any criticism of America that may or may not be present in the lyrics. Also, they want to get drunk.

Islam factor: Fucking high.

Danger rating: Shit’s gonna get nuclear.

THE UNITED KINGDOM

The situation: Provided no one reverses time and uncolonizes the world without simultaneously dicing it up into an endless number of discordant, senseless states, each one threatening the existence of the last, then the UK shouldn't be a problem.

Islam factor: Bloody Londonistan, mate, and not like the good old Londonistan we replaced Persia with back in the day--one that fucks over white people. I KNOW!

Danger rating: Too crippled by inadequacy and impotence to do much damage today, but made up for it with a whole history of danger-bating.

SOUTH AFRICA

The situation: 32 groups of men from 32 different countries are going to be descending on South Africa to play the game of football. There’ll be delight, tears, and fan-on-fan violence.

Islam factor: A number of teams will feature Muslims, yes.

Danger rating: There’s a high risk--a high risk things will get dangerously exciting, that is!

AFGHANISTAN

The situation: Is that The Doors on the stereo? Because it’s all feeling a little like Nam in here. We got a Democrat president determined to prove he’s not a gay coward by sending thousands and thousands of American boys to the other side of the world, and a hardy native people fond of using their “local knowledge” (where the caves are; which goats are informants; who let the dogs out) to consistently fuck up those American boys. This time around, Britain’s along for the ride. I mean, Vietnam looked like so much fun (rice, hilarious accents, napalm) that we didn’t want to miss out on part two.

Islam factor: Through the roof.

Danger rating: If we don’t stop the Taliban now, they will invade London.

ISRAEL & PALESTINE

The situation: It’s like Sliver, with Israel obsessively watching Iran, unsure if it wants to kill it or embark on some kind of tumultuous, filth-ridden affair with it. Meanwhile, back at home, the peace process has stalled and each side has gone back to calling the other one a bunch of land-grabbing infidels. The Palestinians are fighting each other, but you know that’s only going to lead to a new round of suicide bombings--many of them, no doubt, planned for your neighborhood (if your neighborhood is the Gaza Strip, that is).

Islam factor: Being fought against by a new kid on the terror block: Jew factor.

Danger rating: 2010 is all about hip, new forms of danger. This danger seems like it’s kind of been around for way too long. Get interesting, Israeli-Palestinian conflict! You’re beginning to sound like a St. Vincent album.

UNITED STATES

The situation: America is gonna take a blue-and-white striped boot and stick it right in your ass, and they’re gonna blow up the moon and eat it as a starter before they move on to the main course: the Middle East. Dick Cheney’s constant goading has deranged President Obama. He’s wandering around the corridors of the west wing mumbling, “I am a man, goddamn it, a real man,” while drawing up plans to invade France and re-name it Poland. If there’s a banner that ain’t star-spangled, you can be sure Uncle Sam will find it and get painting.

Islam factor: Their elimination is the final piece in the puzzle.

Danger rating: If we don’t stick solidly to our suck-up-to-America strategy we could be in an unquantifiable amount of danger.

DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO

The situation: When you've got uranium, high-end weapons, and all sorts of narcotics being smuggled out of a country to places like Iran, Yemen, and North Korea, then you know you've also got a side order of fear. The DRC is like the Wild West, Hollywood, or Silicon Valley in the early days: Anyone can show up, do whatever the fuck they want, and try and make it as a big player. This is the sort of country where everyone you meet you kind of suspect has killed someone.

Islam factor: It's in the mix, but it's not really top of the agenda.

Danger rating: Did you ever have nightmares about a far away place in which there were no rules and fear stalked you like a stalk? Well, this is like that nightmare, except without the sweet relief of waking up to find that the only thing you have to deal with is the urine-soaked sheets you're sleeping in.

RUSSIA & THE CAUCASUS

The situation: Russians don't like people from the Caucasus. I was once, for some reason, at the meeting of a Russian society. There was a strong Chechen presence there, and the Russians didn't like it. One guy, Yevgeny, told them to "fuck off back to the mountains." Tensions rose. In the end, the two sides agreed to settle it by putting their "champions" in a ring and letting them sort it out with their fists. The Russian guy confidently stepped forward, only to be faced by an Islamic mountain Troll who crushed him with one hand. The Caucasus may have won that night, but the real-life situation is kind of the other way round.

Islam factor: Praise Allah for the Trolls you provide.

Danger rating: Is anyone ever not afraid of Russians? They’re distressingly good at chess…

YEMEN

The situation: The terror country du jour, Yemen has suddenly put itself right in the middle of the fear map. And why not? It has it all: Muslim extremists, Al-Qaeda cells, links to Somali pirates, a history as a British colony, and a prime location at the hub of the world’s most alarming body of water, the Gulf of Aden. The media are bored with Somalia, the celebrities don’t go to Sudan anymore, and there are no longer any people left in Iraq, so step forward, Yemen, and take your place at the top of the fear table. You are an Arab Poseidon hopped up on terrorism, piracy, and weapons-grade narcotics.

Islam factor: The new Afghanistan.

Danger rating: I’d tell you to cry and run home to your mommy, but she’s been beheaded by a bunch of Yemen people.

COLOMBIA

The situation: Everyone seems to have forgotten about Colombia, but it brings with it the kind of Latin American dread you just can’t rely on from anyone else. We’re talking about an old-school, coked-up fight for the right to produce and sell massive quantities of racket. We’re talking about sweaty, paranoid dudes with mustaches, shooting their cousins because they think they’re CIA informants.

Islam factor: Allah has no place here.

Danger rating: If wearing a white suit and getting a nice tan is danger, then yeah, it’s pretty dangerous.