THE BEST OF AHMADINEJAD

While President Ahmadinejad's international appearances regularly trigger uproar and walk-outs, he saves the best shit for his local speeches, where nationalism frequently merges into grandiose delusion. Emam Zaman, an Islamic religious figure awaiting a second coming, is a recurring theme in the President's speeches. Watching the videos online, disbelief flirts with despair as you realize Iran's being led by a schizophrenic armed with conspiracy theories and folklore. We've translated some of his best.

THE INSIDE SCOOP ON IRAN'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM

“A lady teacher recently contacted me saying, 'Mr. So-and-So, we have a 16-year-old girl in the third year of high school studying math and physics. She came up to me and said, 'Miss, I have discovered nuclear energy in our house, do something about it.' I told the teacher to hold a meeting in the school, ask some questions, see how serious she is.

They interrogated her and realized she is telling the truth. They told her that they'd go to her house to see what she was doing. They found out that this girl, with the help of her older brother, had bought some pieces from the market, put them together and has indeed produced nuclear energy. And now they have picked her, taken her 'there' and she is a nuclear scientist. They have provided her with a car and a driver. This is self-belief!”

Conclusions: Nuclear energy can be created by jamming together different parts of bric-a-brac found at market. Once you've shown yourself capable of generating DIY nuclear energy you are taken to heaven and given an important job and a chauffeur-driven car.

THE REAL REASON FOR WESTERN INVASION

“You may think the people who have come and occupied Iraq are only to take the oil and loot the area, but there is another layer. They have come to know that something is about to happen in this region--they know a holy hand is going to reach out that will uproot evil from the world. Some people think that Emam, in his period of absence, has gone somewhere and is busy with his own life, that he doesn't have anything to do with the world. But if he didn't have anything to do with the world, there would be no existence. Emam is directing the world!”

Conclusions: George W. Bush invaded Iraq because he wants to be carried to paradise in the holy grip of a divine Islamic savior. Therefore George Bush is Islamic.

MEMORIES OF THE U.N. TRIP

“Last year, when we went to New York, we had very heavy security, 20-30 black cars--they are there to spark fear in people. Anyway, it takes five to ten minutes to reach the UN building and on the way there we pass a few road crossings. They catch a glimpse of us for one second. In that one second I make a victory hand gesture. A girl showed me to a two-year-old child she was holding, and asked her 'Who is this?' Their language is Spanish, they don't understand, but the kid looked at me and said, 'This is Mahmoud, this is Mahmoud'.”

Conclusions: People in America predominantly speak Spanish. A two-year-old Spanish-speaking American baby has enough of a handle on global affairs to recognize Mahmoud Ahmadinejad through the window of a moving car with blacked out windows. The President of Iran is able to discern all of this in one second while making a victory gesture with his hand.

OPINIONS ON A DIRECTOR FOR THE IRANIAN HEALTH MINISTRY
“Everybody knows that Dr. Lankarani is one of the best directors of the country. He works very hard and I have a personal, special interest in him. A pure, lovable human being: he is like a peach, you want to eat him.”

Conclusions: President Ahmadinejad loves Dr. Lankarani and wants to eat him like a peach.

OPINIONS ON ART

“The pinnacle of art is that it portrays the best life and the best death. Art should tell you how to live--that is the bottom-line of art, so which artist and what art-form is more beautiful, godly, and lasting than the art of martyrdom?!”

Conclusions: President Ahmadinejad believes suicide in the name of Islam to be the ultimate artistic act. It's hard to ridicule that when the whole Western world is taking photos of their own feet.