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      The Best Places to Stash Used Condoms

      December 14, 2012
      Dave Schilling

      By Dave Schilling

      Associate Editor

      All human activities produce waste. When one drives an automobile, carbon monoxide is expelled. After eating a meal, a person tends to create what most reputable scientists refer to as “shit.” Sexual relations are not exempt from this rule. A male orgasm produces semen, which for a large swath of the population is a sticky afterthought of the encounter.

      In theory, semen is the nectar of life, but sex is routinely enjoyed for reasons outside of procreation. Loneliness, fear of mortality, and boredom are the real impetuses for copulating. That renders “cum” the sad, moist leftover that reminds someone that they have to go back to being depressed after 15 minutes of escape.

      Condoms allow for folks to not only avoid pregnancy and disease, but also to have a great place to store semen. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the problem. The condom then has to be stashed somewhere. There are a variety of options for ditching the evidence of a sexual dalliance, but each and every one of them carries a myriad of other unforeseen complications.

      Throwing It in the Trash

      One would assume that once a condom is in the garbage, it is taken care of. No one has to see it, touch it or interact with it in any way. That ignores the simple truth that a trashcan has to be opened in order for more garbage to be thrown out. Unless one lives alone, which is becoming more and more rare in today’s shoddy economy, it’s highly likely that a non-participant or neutral party will have a gander at the filthy leavings of a torrid fuck session. If throwing a condom in the wastebasket is the only option at a person’s disposal, then I advise wrapping said rubber in a wad of toilet paper or placing it inside a cereal box. Please be aware that the cereal box should be empty and in the trash. A full cereal box inside the pantry is not a proper place to put one’s semen. On the other hand, if there is unspoken tension between roommates, then putting semen in a cereal box is a great, passive-aggressive way to get a point across.

      Flinging It Out the Window

      The benefit of the Window Method is that the condom no longer resides in one’s domicile. It could end up in a tree, on the sidewalk, or on the head of a passer-by. It is truly “out of sight, out of mind.” A child could hypothetically discover the condom and think it is some sort of toy, which could be great if the child is from a poor family and can’t afford Furbys or whatever is popular with youngsters these days. Conversely, the child could be rich and it could end up being the first step toward a deviant, Patrick Bateman-style lifestyle. There’s a 50/50 chance here, so use discretion.

      Under the Bed

      It’s not uncommon for people to refrain from ever looking under a bed. The space under a bed is a circus of dust mites, pubic hair, Taco Bell receipts, and old shoes. Why not add used jimmy hats to the mix? Bear in mind that this only works if one’s mother never comes over. The first place a mother looks in her child’s house is under the bed, because she is eager to judge just how filthy her child is. As such, this is a great solution if you are an orphan.

      Become an Orphan

      Orphans have emotional issues, so they don’t have many friends. They have no parents to judge their cleanliness. Roommates are tough to have because of the aforementioned mental instability. No personal relationships means no person to find your used rubbers. Having no parents is the perfect way to dispose of your condoms… and your crippling daddy issues.

      Abstinence

      I am required by the law of my home state to include abstinence education in this article. This is a “highly effective method” for disposing of condoms, since there will be no need for condoms because one would be abstaining from all sexual contact. I “highly recommend” avoiding all contact with “human beings” and “ignoring your base, physical needs.”

      If you would like more information on abstinence education, please do not call anyone, because a person will answer and their voice might be too sexy for you to be able to control your deviant urges.

      Want more Dave Schilling? Check these out:

      Drugs That Make Me Cry

      Five Tips for Ruining an Interracial Relationship

      Why Gentrification Is Only Bad if You're Poor

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      Topics: Dave Schilling, condoms, waste

      Comments

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