The Gentleman's Guide to Grindr
Mar 19 2012
Stalking out a gay bar, buying expensive drinks, and putting in facetime with a real person just to find a fuck buddy is a lot of work. This is exactly why Grindr exists; it’s a smartphone app that enables you to skip the old-fashioned way of getting things done and get to the only part of the night you really care about. It’s not a complete cakewalk though and if you respond to a potential conquest the wrong way you could end up half-naked on your bed with blue balls as you weep ever so softy into your pillow. So to help you learn how to do things the right way I’ve created a simple style guide that will ensure your Grindr love life is nothing but an absolute success—the occasional trip to the doctor’s office for antibiotics notwithstanding.
Category: Vanilla Eye Candy
Experience Level: Novice
The first thing you’ll notice about this guy is that he’s boringly wholesome and most likely looking to settle down. More often than not he’ll be Canadian or from the Midwest and will spook so easily you'll have to start things off slow with some simple conversation that feigns his interests in film and literature. You must at all costs avoid saying anything about your peens rubbing up against each other. If for some reason you can’t control yourself try using some cheesy euphemism from the 1950’s like “big guy” or “one-eyed monster,” the type of names that might have been used by one of his childhood bible camp counselors. Before you invite him over to your place, make sure your living quarters are spotless; the whole point is to try to hide the fact that you're a dog and this is probably your hundredth Grindr fuck. And whatever you do, don't forget to clear your computer cache and history, lest you accidentally pull up that twink porn you watched earlier as you try to navigate the search bar for “mood music.”
As far as attire goes, keep it simple and traditional. A tie is always in good form, since it can also be used during foreplay for yanking and blindfolding. Straightforward plaids and solid colors are best as they don’t scream “I’m gay” and can help you achieve a look similar to a dapper gentleman in a Norman Rockwell painting. Also you must be sure to wear underwear; if you look too clean on the surface but let your freak run wild underneath, he’ll probably go limp. A clean pair of boxer-briefs or tightie whities will keep him thinking you’re top drawer, even if you really are a bottom.
Category: The New Bohemian
Experience Level: Intermediate
This guy may compare his dick to that of a purebred Clydesdale, but what he means is, “I’m really into talking about spiritual elements in an obtuse way, as you can tell my by astrological reference. I’ve also taken a fair share of drugs in my day.” This type is easier to snag than guy #1 because he’s more open with his sexuality, although you’ll probably have to put up with some bullshit about how the loin is one of our crucial chakras. But whatever, just roll with it. The nice thing about these guys is that they love the sound of their own voice, so all you have to do is let them talk at you and reply in fragments with one word questions (i.e., “That’s interesting. Why?”) Be sure to bring up your own personal drug use, but limit your tales to past events as opposed to that acid trip you took two days prior. You want to make him comfortable, but not so comfortable that he just ends up coming over to smoke all your weed and watch reruns of The Golden Girls. It’s also a good idea to keep some basic feng shui books at your place, as well as Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet since this will make him think you’re deep, even if you read it during your foggy freshman year when you still thought headbands were cool. Also it wouldn't hurt to have an “obscure” musical instrument like a sitar or banjo lying around.
The best part about dressing for these boys is that you can pretty much wear anything you want. Loose, patterned, or eco-friendly items will gain you extra points since it'll tell him that you love Spaceship Earth and aren't so high-maintenance that you wouldn't be down to fuck in the woods. I chose shoes for the outfit above, but it’s best to go barefoot whenever possible. Lightweight scarves and product-free hair will help to accentuate your carefully constructed carefree airy look. This is really important because everyone knows that astrologically-speaking, air signs give the best head.
Category: The Inner Freak
Experience Level: Expert
What this guy is trying to tell you is that the inner constructs of his mind resemble the set from a Nine Inch Nails video. He’s going to talk really dirty, but that’s OK. As a true gentleman, utilize restraint and let him believe that you’re the exact same by deploying diplomatic answers such as, “I’d like that,” or, “Wow, that sounds like fun.” More than likely this guy is going to want to jump the gun and come over immediately, but you should drag it out and make him work for it since he’s probably into some weird masochistic shit. Before he comes over, be sure to get in touch with your inner dark side so the fact that all of your furniture is made from shit IKEA particleboard isn’t blatantly obvious. Dim the lights and spark up some candles, preferably the kind you can buy at a bodega for a dollar that feature tortured saints on the front. Also a real man will go out of his way to be a good host, even if that means supplying anal beads and nipple clamps, so make sure that box with all of those gag sex toys you've accumulated over the past five birthdays is easily accessible.
Sartorially speaking, it’s best to go with dark pieces in angular or billowing silhouettes. Leather in all its various forms is always encouraged. If you’re having problems finding inspiration, pull out some old yearbooks and reference the goth kids who'd get high by the high school tennis courts or YouTube some early Marilyn Manson music videos. If you choose to wear a shirt don't be afraid to go a little DIY with it by adding some holes; this guy will find it sexy. It's almost guaranteed that a little role-playing will be involved, so just roll with it, but make sure to let him know that when you’re done, you’re done. Otherwise he might interpret your deep sighs of boredom as enjoyment.
*NOTE: No gays were harmed in the making of this piece.
Fifteen Years Later, 'Fight Club' Still Sucks
Neckbeard: Dungeons & Dragons Is Officially Cool Again
Genitales: An Investigation into the Dick Size of the American Male
The Armpit of the Internet: Family4Love Is the Facebook of Incest
Maybe We Shouldn't Be So Quick to Idolize a Gay-Bashing Skateboarder
Profiles by VICE: Animal Fuckers - Trailer
There's Not Going to Be a Purge in Your Town
This Guy Wants to Help Every Woman Have a Squirting Orgasm
I Went Undercover in America's Toughest Prison
Hey Internet, Stop Trying to Make the 'Pussy Lips Challenge' Happen