The Government's Budget 2014 Pamphlet

This week the Abbot government announced that it would be supplying a pamphlet detailing the realities of the budget for those affected by it. VICE managed to obtain a preliminary copy of a draft. 

NOTE TO PRINTERS: Please find attached mocks for the upcoming Budget 2014 pamphlet. Images are provided and notes included throughout.

PAGE ONE:

A message from the Prime Minister.

My fellow Australians,

I’ll keep this short and interesting.

The 2014 Budget is an important step in fixing this great country, and getting us back on the path to prosperity. Some journalists who would like the taxpayer to continue subsidising their skinny mocha-lattes have criticised it for being “too extreme”, or “an unnecessary response to an imagined problem” or “the best way to ensure a dystopian nightmare as depicted in the Mad Max films”, but they are missing the fundamental point.

Sometimes things can look bad but actually be good. Take that photo of me up the top, for example. To you, it looks like I’m baring my teeth to establish dominance much like a silverback gorilla does. But in reality, I’m smiling.

The most important thing is that we fix Labor’s mess. Remember that old woman in Spain who took it upon herself to restore a 19th century Spanish fresco? People thought it was a disaster at first, but tourism increased and the town’s economy boomed. Think of Joe Hockey as an old Spanish lady and think of the budget as a crudely-rendered piece of shit which destroyed something that was working perfectly well.

Image via

Sure, I’ve taken a big hit in the polls, but that’s okay. As leader, the buck stops with me. In fact, soon all your bucks will stop with me. Don’t forget, John Howard and Peter Costello took a big hit in the polls after their first budget in 1996. You don’t need to look that up—it sounds true, doesn’t it? And sounding true is the cornerstone of my government.

I know I promised at the top that this introduction would be short and interesting, but the larger promise was to deliver you a pamphlet, and that’s the promise I’m keeping.

Yours sincerely,

Tony Abbott

Minister For Women

PAGE TWO:

Image via Flickr user David Amsler

Look, this is you.

Image via Flickr user Marc Levin

These are probably your parents or grandparents.

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This animal would have drowned under Labor’s economic policies.

PAGE THREE:

A message from the Treasurer

Dear poors,

The Age of Entitlement is over. That probably comes off as a bit ominous to you, doesn’t it? Almost like I’m making up a phrase to make it sound like you’re all a bunch of damn freeloaders. But remember, the Age of Aquarius ended, and that was a made-up phrase too. We all survived that ending, didn’t we?

The fact of the matter is that we can no longer afford to subsidise people who choose to be unemployed or disabled or sick or old. You know when your high school career counsellor asked you what you wanted to be? Well, a lot of people chose to be too ill to work, living hand to mouth in the hopes that they can stave off homelessness for another week. It’s weird, isn’t it? I chose to be Treasurer. Why didn’t anyone else choose that?

Australia can simply no longer afford to have an entire class of people living in homes and eating food and going to the doctor. Seriously, do you know how many people go to the doctor just for fun? It’s like a hobby for some people.

Some people have criticised us for not taxing the job creators, but if we taxed them, they’d all go overseas and take the jobs with them. And by that logic, if we tax the unemployable instead, they’ll go overseas. It’s simple economics. In fact, it’s so simple, it’s oversimplified.

In conclusion, Australia is the most prosperous, lucky nation on Earth, which is why we have to cancel all of the services that made it that way.

Best of luck,

Joe Hockey

P.S. Remember when I said I was offended by wind farms? What was up with that?

PAGE FOUR:

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We just gave a quarter of a billion dollars for the school chaplaincy program. Seriously. Even we think this is bullshit.

PAGE FIVE:

A message from the Minister For Communications.

Dear left-leaning Liberal voters,

It might seem weird that I’m commenting here, given the Minister For Communications really doesn’t have much to do with the budget, not to mention my historic attempts to distance myself from what some in the media may describe as “shit-poor policies”. But Tony needed to borrow some money to get the pamphlets printed, so he’s giving me some space to speak my mind.

How about that budget, huh? Man, you guys are upset. I’m probably looking pretty good to you right now, but I assure you I have no plans to become Prime Minister, and the idea that I’m just enjoying watching Tony become more and more unpopular is, quite frankly, unconfirmed.

I mean, yes, I’m in a pretty good position at the moment. The Left sees me as being secretly one of them for some reason, imagining me to be a guy who only looks like a Liberal; the Right knows that’s all bullshit, and that a few offhand comments about gay marriage and climate change don’t change the fact that I’m actually as economically conservative as they come.

But no matter how good I’m looking right now, I am in no way trying to undermine the Prime Minister. And in that spirit, I’d ask that you not search the following terms on YouTube: tony abbott 28 second silence

Having said that, now that I’ve scuppered the NBN, YouTube probably won’t run fast enough. Come over to my office, I have the video saved to my laptop anyway.

Yours whenever you’re ready,

Malcolm Turnbull

I have a leather jacket

PAGE SIX:

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The increased student fees and skyrocketing HECS interest will be offset by the private sector. The Whitehouse Institute of Design will be offering up to two scholarships per year to children of Prime Ministers or People Who Run Whitehouse.

NOTE TO PRINTERS: The below is to be included in size eight font.

A $7 pamphlet-reading fee must be paid within thirty working days, unless you’re unemployed, in which case just thirty days. For more information on Coalition policy announcements, subscribe to any of the Rupert Murdoch-owned publications except for VICE which is full of communist wankers.