The Great British Tradition of Drinking on Trains Is Under Threat of Extinction

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

Here's some "British Traditions Dying One-by-One, Slayed By the Imperial March of the Nanny State" news: The great British tradition of drinking on trains is under threat from new legislation proposed by the Rail Safety and Standards Board (RSSB).

What next? Ban fried food because they often lead to acquired heart disease? Explode Stone Henge into smaller, safer pieces of gravel? Kill the Queen? Shoot the Queen in the head until she dies, so she's no longer a threat to anyone? Kill Prince Charles, too? Cull the monarchy, top to bottom, and parade their bodies on spikes up and down the Mall? In the name of political correctness? This country has gone mad.

Anyway, after a recent safety report found alcohol was a factor in as many as 21 of the 32 deaths on the rails in the past decade, the RSSB has moved to ruin the fun of all weekend-away hen parties—and every single trip to Scotland—by mooting an alcohol ban for travelers on domestic trains.

"Intoxication is associated with the potential for passengers to fall from the platform, be struck by a train while on the platform, fall between the platform and the train or slip, trip, or fall across the platform train interface," the RSSB's report said, forgetting the fact that I once fell over, shattering my knees—while entirely sober—just because I happened to be carrying a chair. You do not need to be drunk to hurt yourself very badly.

"A range of resources to support the safe management of intoxicated passengers will be piloted at all staffed stations," the report then proposed. "This formalized agreement will be supported by investigation into additional legislation and policy that could be used to support the management of intoxicated passengers, for example banning the sale and consumption of alcohol on trains (similar to TfL)."

As always, it takes former pop mogul and only-person-anyone-can-really-think-to-comment-on-a-train-story Pete Waterman to be the firm hand on the common sense tiller, telling the Daily Mail: "Most alcohol is not drunk on trains. It's people coming out of office parties and abusing staff. Ninety-nine percent of passengers drink responsibly. It would be lunacy to ban alcohol on the entire network just because of a few problems on platforms."

So far, so good. Thank you, Pete Waterman. Please continue.

"The answer is to stop drunks from entering the station in the first place."

Mm, yeah, no. Should have stopped at "on platforms."

Public transport alcohol bans are nothing new: London mayor and a grim glimpse at what would happen if you shaved and confused Winnie the Pooh, Boris Johnson, outlawed alcohol on the underground back in 2008, prompting a fun " Circle Party" on the Circle Line in response. ScotRail also enforced a ban on open consumption of alcohol on its trains between the hours of 9 PM and 10 AM back in 2012—though personal experience of the sights, sounds and smells of the Caledonian Sleeper train to Glasgow indicate that this rule is barely, if ever, enforced. It's rare the "public interest" excuse is cited so transparently, though.

Thing is—and I know I say this a lot—death is inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to outrun it. Coveting a sweet death, surrounded by your family, your face soft and folded with age and wisdom, your papery hand gripped tight by your beloved husband or wife: coveting that is a fantasy. Is there necessarily less honor in face-planting off a train and into the path of another train because you crushed nine cans of pre-mixed gin and tonic in less that 20 minutes? I proffer to you: no, there is not. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. A tiny and precisely aimed brick could hit you on the head. You could, thanks to the influence of Special Brew, get your foot stuck in a Virgin Trains toilet while it goes sharply round a corner, snapping the ankle and leading to a bleed-out. If you are worried about dying pissed and alone on a cross-country train, are you truly living?

Do we really need the RSSB to save us from ourselves? In both mine and Pete Waterman's opinion, no. I think Pete would agree that, thanks to the beauty of the spirit of human ingenuity, even once we step safely and soberly off a train we will find ever more fantastic and inventive ways to kill ourselves. And this is the man who invented Kylie. At least, RSSB, at least let us be a bit pissed first.

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