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Sex

The Lipstick Vibrator, Crossing the Line, and Big Deal

I was ready to toss this vibrator under the abyss of my bed never to be seen again, until I realized the usefulness of such a covert vibe! Sometimes you have to masturbate in inappropriate places. I know boys secretly jerk it all the time at work, but...

SEX – THE LIPSTICK VIBRATOR

I only began wearing lipstick about two years ago, but I’ve been using vibrators for over a decade. Often your plain, old hands are the best things to use to achieve self-orgasm, but in other situations, vibrators are crucial. Sometimes it’s about speed, or perhaps, as I've experienced in the past, you're on SSRIs and experiencing delayed orgasm and need that battery-buzzing boost to get off, either alone or with a partner.

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I used to have to buy my vibrators at Spencer's in the mall, embarrassed as I paid, and nervous as hell my mom would find them in my room. Now, PR firms send me vibrators by the dozen. Keep your heads up, horny little girls, dreams do come true! In my latest batch of toys, I received a Lickety Split Lipstick Vibe made by Penthouse. I was aware of lipstick-shaped vibrators before, but using one always seemed so girlie cliché, like owning the pink, suede Sex and the City Collector's DVD boxed set. Which, OK, I admit it, I totally own.

Perhaps my clit has become a snob from all the vibrators I've tried over the years, but I was disappointed in the coming capabilities of the lipstick vibe. Just like a real lipstick, it has a top you can take off, and you can masturbate with either the cap on or off. However, as all the buzzing action takes place in the lipstick tip itself, even with the cap on, the vibrating is a bit dull, with fully charged batteries. But with the cap off, it's just this teeny little pink lipstick tip, which is super small and a bit pointy and uncomfortable. Personally, I enjoy a wider base.

I was ready to toss this vibrator under the abyss of my bed never to be seen again, until I realized the usefulness of such a covert vibe! Sometimes you have to masturbate in inappropriate places. I know boys secretly jerk it all the time at work, but girls can too. Say you've been exchanging dirty emails during work hours and suddenly you're soaked through your jeans and just HAVE to go into the bathroom. Simply reach into your purse, pull out the lipstick vibe, and say, “I'll be back in a few. I'm going to go touch up my makeup.” Easy peasy! Once in college I was studying abroad in Germany, and it had been over a month since I had gotten any, and on a train to Munich I was so horny, I was about to explode. I had the whole row to myself and a blanket, so I just discreetly rubbed one out, but if I had wanted to be more sneaky this lipstick vibe would have come in super handy.

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Photo by Evil Erin, via Flickr DRUGS – CROSSING THE LINE

Growing up in the Virgin Islands, my recesses were spent playing in the island bush and not on playground swing sets, where I was supposed to be. To keep the kids from straying too far from school, a green line was drawn on the edge of the tropical playground. We were warned not to cross that line or else the “red eyes” would get us. Those eyes were part of a local voodoo-zombie-type legend meant to scare us into staying put. I was always one of the kids who snuck past the green line. In my adult life of partying, I've seen those red eyes telling me that I’ve gone too far.

Some people can only have one beer, or two, and feel the drunkenness creeping in and know how to say, “No thanks, I'm good.” For others, the line between merrily drunk and regrettably wasted is faintly visible and effortlessly ignored. This is true for any substance, although cocaine and alcohol seem to prey on those with difficulty staying within boundaries the most. If you're one of those who does not specialize in self-control, booze and blow often dance like sneaky little fairies on your shoulder, whispering, “More, more, more…” The drugs feed off each other.The more blow you do, the more you feel you can drink. The more you drink, the more blow you're down to do.

I know some who’ll accept a bump of cocaine offered to them at New Year’s, and it's the last they think of it, other than appreciating the brief burst of energy and courage to go dance with that hot chick in the corner. For others, you're not accepting a bump from a friend, you're the one with the eight ball, and you're not stopping until it's done, or until the comedown hits you so hard you're forced to excuse yourself and curl up in the fetal position and suffer bone-crushing depression.

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Ahhh, the infamous fetal position of over indulgence. Curled up puking on your bathroom floor, or in bed with regret and anxiety for the condom you didn't use, the inappropriate person you fooled around with, the cruel words that flew off your numb tongue, or a hideous combo platter of both emotional and physical hell.

Can moderation ever be learned and practiced for some, or is it all or nothing? I've succeeded on various occasions, reaching the low maximum I set for myself, ignoring pleas to follow to the next bar or have one last one for the road. But even though I know alcoholism swirls through and around both sides of my family, and have plenty of previous mistakes to take lessons from, I still sometimes find myself neck-deep in the agony that comes from a night spent on the wrong side of the line.

ROCK 'N' ROLL – BIG DEAL

Big Deal's music is beautiful and makes me feel happy. I realize that's not the most eloquent or descriptive way to introduce a band, but I think we can all agree that most music writing is a clusterfuck of unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, providing more traffic to thesaurus.com than meaning to readers.

Big Deal is California-born Kacey Underwood and London’s Alice Costelloe. June Gloom is Big Deal's follow-up to their 2011 debut, Lights Off. The energetic joy of Big Deal sounds like that unattainable high so many search for in whiskey bottles and little baggies: uplifting but peaceful, with no anxious comedown, and none of the desperate jitters that leak through on some sophomore albums. If track titles such as “Swapping Spit” and “In Your Car” didn't tip you off, the happiness on June Gloom is youthfully reminiscent of high school naivete. Of the track “Dream Machines,” Underwood says:

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“I kept dreaming I was going back to school every year because I kept failing these tests and I was the age I am now and everyone else was 16,” he says. “Then I had this moment of, ‘This is stupid, why am I here? Let’s go and ditch school and smoke pot and play pool and hang out!’ None of the things I actually ever got to do. Then I was thinking that’s kind of like what we’re doing with our lives now! It’s your typical rock dream stuff, not wanting to have a 9–5 job, but at the same time missing what that life gives you.”

There's more school references in Big Deal's music than just in Kacey's dreams. Costelloe, the beautiful blond Brit, was Underwood's former guitar student. My perverted mind, like yours just did, immediately assumed romance, but in past interviews Costelloe has denied—or, at least, dodged—such rumors. Even so, there's a hint of sexual tension locked in the lovey, carefree lyrics sang by Costelloe on “In Your Car.” “I got a friend who never lets me down….Driving in your car, I want to be wherever you are. Asleep in your backseat, there's nothing more that I'll ever need, it's a secret, a secret, a secret…” Fiction, perhaps, but it's plenty to get me wondering.

Shit's been pretty weird for humans lately, so listen to some Big Deal to remind yourself of the goodness that still exists in humanity, in this case through art and remembering how dumb you were in high school. And when we make contact with aliens, let's not tell them about the bombs or guns, let's just play this for them instead. Stream “In Your Car” below. June Gloom comes out June 4, 2013, on Mute.

@TheBowieCat

Previously - Fake Vaginas, Ways to Take Heroin, and 1939 Ensemble