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Skinema

The Matador Series

By Chris Nieratko

The Matador Series
Private Pictures
I just recently read Hunter S. Thompson’s book Hell’s Angels, which talks all about the exploits of the infamous biker gang in the late 60s. Then my friend told me that Sonny Barger, president of the Hell’s Angels, has a bio out and that it’s just hairy as fuck, talking about all kinds of fights and shit and that I should check it out. So the day I ordered it off Amazon, this Matador video shows up and it’s all about these chicks that get gang-banged by this fictitious biker gang. What a coincidence, I thought. So I actually watched it, hoping to see some real burly, bearded mean dudes brutally having their way with some hot chicks. And granted, the chicks were defiantly good-looking. I’d fuck them. You’d fuck them. But the chicks weren’t my problem. It was more the stereotypical image that I have in my head of a biker that ruined it for me. When I think biker I think filthy, smelly, greasy, foul-mouthed animals riding loud, primed-up hogs without exhaust pipes that spit and bleed as they race down the street. They are the men you don’t want to see in a dark alley, whose toes you don’t want to accidentally step on or even make eye contact with. They are devils in denim and they’ll eat your babies. At least that’s what comes to mind when I think of real bikers, not the pussies that were in this movie. No, these were momma’s boys. Princesses in new, uncreased leather jackets on shiny, new, cute, quiet motorcycles. I mean, fuck, I even think a few of them were riding Hondas! Fucking Hondas!

Roly Poly Gang Bang 7
Metropolis Entertainment
I knew this kid growing up that truly thought he understood life, love, and women. And he’d constantly try to pass on his wisdom to me. Most of his advice was abso-ludicrous. Things like “A pussy is supposed to smell bad. If it doesn’t that means she just took it to the doctors and there’s something wrong with it,” and “Chicks with braces give the best head because they overcompensate.” Most of the shit he said went in one ear and out the other, and I really only hung out with him because he was old enough to buy beer. But there was one thing that he said that I think is a very true and helpful guideline to offer a young man on his way through life, and that is, “Whoever you end up marrying you’ll eventually get tired of fucking, so before you get married you have to make sure you fuck one of every type of girl. That way when you close your eyes when fucking your boring wife, you can imagine any woman in the world.” Now when he said one of every type he meant: an older woman, a virgin, a blonde, a redhead, a J.A.P., a Jap, a Puerto Rican, a mom, a married chick, an anorexic chick, a fat chick and so on. For some reason he never mentioned black women, but whatever. I thought to myself, This is a great goal to set for myself. I’m going to fuck one of every type of woman in the world and then I’ll know I’m ready to settle down. Funny thing is that kid with all his wisdom started his “To Do” list with a fat chick and never got any further. I think he’s married to her to this day.

Houston’s Big Boob Brigade
Metro Hone Video
The main reason I’d chosen this video was because Houston is the star of it and, as you should well know, Houston holds the record for banging 620 dudes in a day, and to me that means I’m bound to see some good fucking. Just as I noticed her on the box cover looking all glossy and special I began to wonder what the fuck it would be like if Houston had a kid and what if when that kid turned fourteen one of his friends found her gang-bang video and showed it to him. Now I imagine that to learn that your mother was in a porno at all would be a heartbreaking and shocking thing, but to be told mommy got porked by 620 guys over the course of a day would really fuck a kid up. And just as I was beginning to theorize about the direction that that child’s life would take from that moment of discovery on I noticed the lovely Lovette on the corner of the box cover lying down with her enormous fake tits defying gravity and I was like, “Holy shit! I hung out with that chick in Philly once! She gave me a blow job in her hotel room!” I was pretty excited. I’d tell you all about it but it’s kind of an uninteresting story so I’m not going to go into it.
 

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