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      The Most Epic Bar Mitzvah Invite Ever

      February 22, 2013

      I’m not Jewish, but I’m pretty sure that I was invited to one of the mitzvahs (bar / bat) when I was a kid. I didn’t go because I didn’t think that would be any fun at all. If I only I had known Daniel, though, I would have put on my Debbie Gibson Electric Youth perfume and headed to that celebration like I was a part of Jay-Z’s entourage in the “Roc Boys” video.

      My friend Alyssa sent me this video link and said, “Have you seen this?” Of course I hadn’t seen it or else this post would have happened much sooner. When I saw the title “Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah—SAVE THE DATE,” I imagined it being some little turd urging his friends at PS 15 (and everyone on YouTube) to attend his celebration of turning 13. I even had the dialogue set up in my head: “Hi. I’m Daniel Schlooterman, and if you’re anything like me, you’re a wild and crazy guy. So come toast 13 with me and my family at the American Legion on Sprout Street. Dress to impress.” Boy, was I wrong.

      OK, so first of all... the invite has a soundtrack, and it’s the instrumental to Jermaine Dupri’s “Welcome To Atlanta” with Ludacris. The fact that Danny Boy knows this song makes him a legend already. “Welcome to Atlanta, home of the Braves and the Coke,” he raps proudly, lifting a can of Coke Zero (he’s probably too young to remember what a real Coke is, so he gets the pass). He’s rocking two chains, he’s hanging out with Shaq, he’s getting special messages from Ne-Yo. This kid has to have a famous father.

      As he’s cruising on his analog bicycle as he rhymes, “I split my spleen, and now I’m gonna turn 13.” He teaches us a lot in three minutes. He wasn’t sure if he’d survive the trauma of learning Hebrew at the tender age of five. He’s also allergic to penicillin (so am I, my little dude). Then he comes in with, “Oink! Oink! Pig! Pig! Do away with the pork!” I can’t tell if that line means he’s kosher or he hates cops, but either way, it works for me. He rhymes “Torah” with “more-uh!” Daniel is the greatest rapper in the history of hip-hop.

      Then he starts doing this long dragged out “Oy! Oyyyy! Oyyyyyy!” as the bridge to this little masterpiece. And before you know it, he’s in Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed’s office, standing back to back with him like he’s posing for a Kid ‘n Play poster. Yeah, this kid is definitely connected. He makes MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 look like a trailer park wedding. He seals the invite with: “I’ll see you all on May 11th at my bar mitzvah, challah!” as his rabbi (who happens to be a babe) waves a loaf of challah bread while Daniel starts doing the “Oyyyyy!” again. There are other noteworthy people in the video, and you can find their names in the credits (yes there are credits).

      Remember when Drake got “re–bar mitzvahed” in his video for “HYFR”? Well Daniel’s bar mitzvah sounds like it’s going to be so much better than that bullshit. Daniel even said that the adults get liquor. I don’t know where you’ll be on May 11th, but you can bet your ass I’ll be in Atlanta with Daniel—drunk and smelling like Electric Youth.



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