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      Balloons!

      November 16, 2012
      From the column 'The Recent Unpleasantness'



      "Welcome to the 86th annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I'm Bob, this is my co-anchor Ralph, and for the next hour, we'll be talking you through the giant balloons as they make their way down Sixth Avenue, towards the flagship Macy's Herald Square."

      "Thanks Bob, great to be here. Now this first balloon is interesting. Apparently... this is a cordless power drill wearing a pilgrim hat..."

      "Yes, it's part of what the parade committee is calling a 'festive reimagining' of Thanksgiving. And now we see balloons of the Kool-Aid Man, Eminem, and the International Space Station all wearing pilgrim hats."

      "What is that big, rectangular pink balloon? It looks like a lopsided brick wearing a pilgrim hat."

      “It says here, that is a 'giant eraser to erase genocide.'"

      "And behind this, we see a huge balloon of actor Michael Cera as the character 'Scott Pilgrim'. People have lined the nearby rooftops and they're... oh my. They are throwing what appears to be feces at the balloon..."

      "They really didn't like that movie."

      "That's just poor sportsmanship. Ah, now this is nice. Coming down Sixth Avenue, we have 'a salute to religious tolerance'. That's swell. It's actually a series of balloons. The first one here is Jesus, with—and this is clever—a separate mini-balloon over his head for the halo...."

      "That is cute."

      "...and Buddha is slam-dunking a teddy bear through this same halo. And coming up, we've got Mosesand Krishna on snowboards, and it looks like they're both playing guitars, and both the guitars have faces and little tiny hands which they're using to high-five each other. That's just great. Behind them, that looks like..."

      "Oh dear. There's Mohammed. Can we cut from that?" 

      "Gosh, is a balloon depiction of the prophet against the rules? It looks very cheerful and...."

      "Nope. No. Bert. Seriously? Cut away? OK."

      "Alright, moving on. There's one coming around Central Park South. I'm reading here, This balloon is the.... 'Pillsbury Dough Breast'.

      "Wow. That is just a soft, supple breast of dough floating in the sky. It's getting me hungry. And kind of worked up [laughs]."

      "Jeez. That areola is the size of a Jetta."

      "Whoo. That's pretty arousing."

      "Oops. You aren't the first guy to think that. It looks like a fellow just leapt out a window in an attempt to land on the floating bosom."

      "Aw jeez. He didn't have a chance. He just bounced right off of that. There he goes, falling, falling...."

      "Boy, what a way to go. It really makes you think about the impermanence of life."

      "....still falling...."

      "Watching this poor guy's final moments, you can't help but notice the balloon's many cords and ropes descending down to the street, as if it is the float that controls the tiny helpless humans far below, and not vice versa."

      "That is really sweet, Bob. I'd never considered that."

      "Ouch. Splat. That was hard to watch."

      "Now here's an interesting set of balloons. Apparently that is General Petraeus and his lover, Paula Broadwell—and I'm reading straight from my sheet here—'ensnared by the shackles of lust'...."

      "They really built those balloons quickly."

      "It's an impressive thing to see up close. It's like something out of Dante, the two of them naked and writhing in agony..."

      "Kind of makes you reconsider adultery."

      "I'm guessing that's the point, but it sure is scary."

      "Unusual that they are both wearing pilgrim hats as well."

      "My sheet tells me that these next balloons are 'a salute to the people who talk about the Macy's thanksgiving parade.'

      "Oh, that's nice."

      "Oops, they want us to stand."

      Previously - Reality Quiz

      -

      Topics: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Parade, Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving, Macy's, The Recent Unpleasantness

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