©2014 VICE Media LLC

    The VICE Channels

      The Recent Unpleasantness - Ask Mr. Ethics

      August 17, 2012

      Dear Mr. Ethics,

      I am a healthy 42-year-old Wisconsin guy with a fantastic family and a well-paying government job. Also, I recently became the presumptive Republican nominee for vice president of the United States in the 2012 election. Life is good.

      The thing is, the guy I'm running with is kind of weird. OK, he's VERY weird. For starters, he wears this strange full-body underwear beneath his clothes. We were campaigning in 105-degree weather, and I could see the heat rash creeping up his neck, like leprosy or something. It was gross. Also, he won't drink anything but tap water. He says even spring water is against his religion, but I couldn't find anything about that on Wikipedia.

      The other day, some of his aides were doing that 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' bit from Chappelle's Show. Only they had to say, “I'm Rick James, witch!” since it's a rule that nobody on the tour bus can use swear words. I know it doesn't sound that funny, but believe me, when you're looking to break up the stress of an 18-hour day of campaigning, it's pretty comical. Anyway, I wound up doing the bit myself, and suddenly everyone on the bus gets really quiet and weird. I turn around and Captain Long Underwear is just standing there, and he looks at me with those dead mannequin eyes and says, “but your name isn't Rick.”  

      So I'm wondering—if things get really crazy—how bad would it be if I pulled a Dave Chappelle deal myself and just sort of drop out and do my own thing?

      - Befuddled For Office

      Befuddled,

      Stick it out another 12 weeks and I think this problem will take care of itself.

      Dear Mr. Ethics,

      I'm the Ecuadorian ambassador to the UK. Recently, Julian Assange asked if he could stay over in my embassy. I was like, cool, whatever. Now it's turned into this huge thing. He gets really annoyed if we enter "his" room (the staircase landing), and he's always frying onions on his hotplate. Plus, he's kind of creepy. Like, he calls sex "making children." Don't ask me how I know that. Ick, right?

      How unethical would it be if I held a fire drill and made everyone get out?

      - Baffled in Britain

      Baffled,

      Take out the word “drill” and you're talking. Laters.

      Dear Mr. Ethics,

      I am the founder, lead singer, and lead guitarist of Megadeth, an interesting band maybe 40 years ago. I'm so intensely miserable that I go around making atrocious statements just so I can feel something. “Obama staged the shootings in Colorado”? Why would I say that?! Oh, because I'm a wretched cinder of a man, that's why. I can't take it anymore.

      So I've decided to publicly kill myself. I want to make it a PSA, to teach kids that it is not cool to act like me. I've narrowed it down to two options: either I commission a toilet-shaped, 20-foot woodchipper I can "flush" myself down, OR I can hire a circus elephant to sit on my face. I'm not sure which one would have more impact.

      - Late Stage Wretch

      Wretch,

      Is there a question in there?

      Dear Mr. Ethics,

      I am the wife of the president of a large country just south of Turkey that rhymes with “diphtheria.” My husband (name rhymes with “Cashier Asswad”) hardly notices me anymore. He's been so wrapped up in work these last few months I never see him!

      Some of my gal pals were saying I should do a blog to let him know how I feel, but I'm not sure. I've never been that public a person. Help!

       - Lonely in Lamascus

      Lonely,

      Stick it out another five days and I think this problem will take care of itself.

      Previously - Fox and Fogs

      @sammcpheeters

      -

      Topics: advice, paul ryan, mitt romney, Julian Assange, dave mustaine, Asma al-Assad, problems

      Comments