I shall endeavor to urge upon all pretenders present to give up, to renounce, to detest, to hate, to abhor all their secret sins. - C. H. Spurgeon
Considering those lasting words from Charles Spurgeon who, as Mark Driscoll himself once said, was, "arguably the greatest Bible preacher outside of Scripture," you might think that Driscoll, arguably the greatest Bible preacher outside of Spurgeon, has gone to great lengths to cleanse himself of all secret sins. But, as it's widely rumored, Driscoll struggles mightily with The Problem. Though, of course not, no, he doesn't preach about it, and, no, you won't see him vlog about it either, but if you listen to the talk around Mars Hill, you'll hear the whispers. It's possible, they say, he manhandles his wife. Maybe, they say, a congregant saw him touching, with too much care, a certain member of a Mars Hill youth group. He even needs, some say, to see a kitten being choked to death in order to climax. It's just sad stuff, the stuff of secret sin.
Though, we should remember well that even David, King of Israel, Ancestor of Jesus, Man after God's Own Heart himself, David, was a man of secret sin. Indeed, David once witnessed a nude woman bathing, then, a short time later, impregnated her. And that naked clean woman, now with a baby in her, was married to a man who David then had ordered to be abandoned in battle when he, the Hittite named Uriah, wouldn't come back and have sex with the one David sexed, named Bathsheba, all so the affair could be concealed. Oh, how David must have struggled with that secret sin! But, even a triangle like that pales in comparison to Mark Driscoll's daily struggles. Those which consist of, as I've heard, watersports porn, gay thoughts, and, even, wearing underwear woven of two different kinds of fabric.
So you can imagine my disappointment, my heart break that he would not stop there, when an insider at Mars Hill emailed me with a secret playlist. It's like Mark Driscoll can't get enough of secret sin. It's as if it pumps through his creatine-soaked veins. Oh, it's as if he shrouds his very own Brian Urlacher looking face when answering questions from those in his church who ask, by text message, if having oral sex before marriage could send them to hell. It's like Driscoll has forgotten all of it. It turns my stomach. So, maybe, yes, maybe as a way to shed light in the darkness, maybe then to bring him to the light, as He is in the light, let us all know the tracks which Mark Driscoll has been allowing to seep into his gel-soaked, faux-hawked-like-a-third-grader, hair, then down into his hard, his NASA hard, skull.
E-40 "Sliding Down the Pole" - Of course every one us prays that Grace, Driscoll's wife, never returns to her sinful ways of withholding sex from her husband, but it's always on our minds, because as Mark Driscoll himself explained in Real Marriage, his revolutionary book on Christian sex, "I had a church filled with young women who were asking how they could stop being sexually ravenous...then I’d go home to a wife whom I was not sexually enjoying.” Yes, the sin of not giving a husband full sexual enjoyment, not letting him, at any time, insert his pure cock into a waiting and quivering vagina or, depending on the husband's mood, anus, this is truly despicable. And, on top of that, there were 'sexually ravenous' co-eds who would've laid down their very lives for one taste of a good and Godly man. So then, knowing the sin Grace and Mark overcame to get to such great sex, it's truly awful that I would see, "Sliding Down the Pole" in Driscoll's queue. It's like he doesn't even care. Actually, when I think about it, I feel quite a lot like Mark Driscoll when he wrote in Real Marriage, in regards to Grace's abusive past (she was sexually assaulted), "Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her.” What a Godly man, to hold up such standards. But what a disappointment to see "Sliding Down the Pole."
Jennifer Knapp "Breath on Me" - At first glance, it would seem that "Breath on Me," a song with lyrics like, "Come trickle down and save the world/Two hands that I can't see/Come breathe, come breath, come breath on me," would be the kind of lyrics which Mark Driscoll would find edifying. They come from an artist ingrained in the fabric of CCM, someone who's long preached the Good News, though, unfortunately, an insidious and irrevocable fault cracks through the speakers as this is the voice as Jennifer Knapp. And, as everyone knows, Jennifer Knapp is a lesbian. And, as Mark Driscoll has preached many times, participating in any kind of sex outside of a man and a woman within the bonds of marriage is anathema, then, after death, worthy of an eternal burning of flesh. But, now that I see "Breath on Me," am I to believe that Mark Driscoll endorses docking? Does he now allow scissoring before marriage? Jesus in Heaven, does he believe a penis inside of an anus is not a ticket to a lake of fire? Seeing this song, I don't know what to think anymore.
David Banner (feat. Pastor Troy) "Fuck Em" - I'd love to give Mark Driscoll the benefit of the doubt, assume he downloaded "Fuck Em" because he saw Pastor Troy. But, how could that be? All Mark Driscoll would've had to do is look at the title and know this was not for him. Although it's known that Mark Driscoll views swearing as a lesser sin, or, perhaps, not a sin at all. He does not hide from that. And so it might be that we could extend his moral looseness to fuck, but I can't, I just can't go that far. Though, what scares me even more than unwholesome talk is that Mark Driscoll really does want to, as David Banner says, "Fuck them..." well, you can look up the rest of the lyrics. If that's true, only Yeshua can save Mark Driscoll now.
Ghostface Killah "Stapleton Sex" - If he were in front of my face now, breathing that savory, steak-scented breath on me, Mark Driscoll would say that all is good and glorious between a married man and woman. But is it okay, Mark Driscoll, to tell my wife, "You can put my dick in your mouth and play with my nuts/But before I bust, babe, I think I'll cum in your butt?" And even if Mark Driscoll was right here and I was soaking in his righteously flavored, Axe-tinged aroma and he told me that it was indeed okay to say all that to my Christian wife, would he also say that this is okay, "Get up, suck that dick, spit on it, slob on that shit/More bubbles at the knob of that shit?" I know Mark Driscoll, a great Godly man, says that modern Protestant Evangelical preachers shy away from Song of Songs because of its overtly amorous tone, oh, its lovely poetic stanzas between two heterosexual married people, but surely there must be a limit. Come quickly, Mark Driscoll, quell my aching and confused mind.
Jens Lekman "A Higher Power" - At first, I thought this track would be allowable. Even through some of the more suspect references, those to Nietzsche, to putting a bag over a head to induce an altered state of mind, to vomiting because of an overabundance of drink - though probably not beer, because, as Mark Driscoll's says, beer is okay. Yes, even after those references I was convinced this one might be admissible because of its confession of a higher power. But, then I listened closer and I heard the fey voice and I suspected, as I thought Mark Driscoll would surely have suspected, that the singer, Jens, he was not a real man. He surely doesn't bow-hunt or brew beer. He hasn't been in the military. And he probably doesn't even have sex with a wife. What kind of man did you take him for, Mark Driscoll? Did his beautiful voice trick you so easily? Did you not know that Satan's melodies are heard through those as sweet as these?
As for the rest, it was what I expected, mostly stuff from Korn, Creed, Third Day, Caedmon’s Call, Papa Roach, Stavesacre, Living Sacrifice, Metallica, Linkin Park, Project 86, Offspring, Arcade Fire, U2, Sufjan Stevens, Radiohead, Roadside Monument, Suffering and the Hideous Thieves, She & Him, Underoath, AC/DC, Bush, Pedro the Lion, Ted Nugent, Five Iron Frenzy, The Ws, and, of course, MxPx. They all seemed to be in line with what I thought I would encounter. And so I was relived. But, then I thought, what else may be lurking in Mark Driscoll's closet? So then I feared, how I feared with my entire being, the answer to that question....
....No, seriously, what in God's once green earth is in that guy's closet? Can we get a professional on the case, Louis Theroux or Martin Bashir or I don't know, O'Reilly even? Let's get it all out in the open, Mark Driscoll. Your secret sin haunts you no more.