The VICE Guide to Killing Your Parents
Dec 3 2005
War protesters at Kent State University in 1970. Photo by John Filo.
Before we bust out the .50 caliber rifles and start shooting people from a mile away it’s important to know exactly who we’re talking about. Your parents, the baby boomers, are between 40 and 60 years old. They “stopped a war.” They “can’t remember the 60s” and they ruined everything for every generation to come. Though their politics were knee-jerk liberal 25 years ago, today they combine the worst of both parties. They pretend to be Democrats but secretly vote Republican at the last second so they don’t have to pay taxes on the incredible amount of income they’ve accrued doing nothing. Almost everything bad about today can be traced back to them. The lack of honesty in the media is from their old hippie propaganda. The incredible debt we’ve been burdened with is from their overspending.
The endless warmongering of the neocons comes from the boomers’ old “save the world” dogma. Even the apocalyptic state of the environment comes from their inability to discuss overpopulation. And those songs! Can we not have to listen to Motown, the Beatles, or Hendrix ever again, please? It’s not enough we have to suffer through the shitpile of a planet they left us. Now we have to listen to the soundtrack of their wonder years while we do it. Oh, and here’s some more things we hate about the baby boomers...
THEY KEEP CALLING EVERYONE HITLER
George W. Bush is a fucking asshole but they need to get a little more creative than Hitler. If you’re going for hyperbole, Mao and Stalin slay that little fag. And why is everything from Mondays to cancelled Broadway shows compared to the Holocaust?
You even see our generation aping it by throwing the swastika on everyone from Israelis to the Islamic fundamentalists that hate them. From now on drawing devil horns and a Hitler moustache on a guy you don’t like is not considered “crushing your opponent,” and saying his argument “reminds you of the Holocaust” is officially “gay.”
THE ME GENERATION
Everything about this generation comes back to what Paul Begala called “the most self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing generation in American history.” They are the “Me Generation” and everything about today’s self-obsessed modern culture comes from their megalomania. Like a spoiled toddler who wants you to look at his poo, boomers can’t wait to rub your face in their shit. This isn’t the way things used to be. As Tom Brokaw put it when discussing boomers and their parents, “The World War II generation did what was expected of them but they never talked about it. It was part of the Code. There’s no more telling metaphor than a guy in a football game who does what’s expected of him—makes an open-field tackle—then gets up and dances around. When Jerry Kramer threw the block that won the Ice Bowl in ’67, he just got up and walked off the field.”
|Can you even imagine an Asian family adopting a black kid? It does not compute. Diversity is literally an urban myth.||Tipper Gore preferred it when negroes sang about unrequited love.||The be-all and end-all of why we hate the baby boomers is summed up in that fiasco they call The New York Times. We wish we wrote this book because it’s perfect.|
THEY INVENTED “SELF”
The “Me Generation” is the complete opposite of the working-class-tough-as-nails-nose-to-the-grindstone-war-vet population that came before them. Back when your grandfather became a father there was no notion of “self.” He lived only for his offspring and his only concern was making sure they had a roof over their heads. Then the boomers came along and decided the whole world had to be devoted to their feelings. Next thing you know dads are going to therapy and crying in the mirror. Shit, they even go snowboarding now.
THEY MAKE IT PERSONAL
Have you ever argued with one of these fucking guys? They never read or do any research of their own (fiction is their bag when it comes to books) so when you argue with them all they can say about your research is, “I’ve never heard that. Where do you get your data from?” If you prove it they will say, “I can find just as many sources that say the opposite. Statistics are easily manipulated, you know,” or they’ll mention some stupid anecdote about a woman who gave birth at 80 years of age or a Zulu tribesman who solved a puzzle. Fuck off.
If they can’t get you with their dance-around-the-argument game, they’ll go after you personally. “Attack the person” is their argument trademark. When New York Post columnist Scott McConnell dared to ask America why we took over Puerto Rico, he lost his job and was confronted by an angry mob. He said he’d be happy to argue about it but the mob wanted to make fun of his hair and clothes. Eventually they realized he was kind of handsome after all and that was the end of that debate. “I felt like I was in some kind of surrealist movie,” he said of the experience. http://www.vdare.com/mcconnell/firing.htm
DIVERSITY IS OTHER PEOPLES’ STRENGTH
For people who bandy around the “racist” moniker so much they sure do live in some lily-white parts of town. (link to Bagge’s diversity comic). Sure Clinton likes to go to his office in Harlem with armed bodyguards to pick up his mail occasionally, but if you ever see a black person near his house in the posh white suburbs of Chappaqua, ring the alarm.
Yankees love to tell southerners how multicultural they are but the liberal Northeast has the highest level of racial segregation in America. The worst offenders are Detroit, Milwaukee, New York, Newark, and Chicago.
Boomers invented the suburbs to get away from black schools and they have entire gated communities that keep them away from anyone too ethnic but they can’t wait to criticize you for not being down with the brown. This hypocrisy is the second-worst thing about them after self-obsession. Malcolm X said he preferred rednecks to Yankees because southerners are honest about how they feel whereas northerners are “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” that merely pretends to care about blacks.
Let’s put it this way: if these people are so into diversity, why is barely 2 percent of America’s population half white? Oh, I know, because they’re lying. They pretend to love the idea of fucking outside of the box, but when it comes down to marriage and kids, it’s “whites only, please.”
THEY HATE RAP
Rappers talk about drugs without using “white rabbit” metaphors and talk about fucking without using Sam Cooke smoke and mirrors (meanwhile, he and Marvin Gaye were way bigger pussy hounds than 50 Cent will ever be) and the boomers simply ain’t havin’ it. If Tipper Gore had her way, every time a black person said something besides “yes ma’am,” they’d get no white chicks for a week.
THE NEW YORK TIMES
This “family paper” is just a bunch of sheltered, rich assholes living in the middle of nowhere and telling other sheltered, rich assholes what’s probably going on in the city. We’d get into it more but it’s all in Bill McGowan’s new book Gray Lady Down.
THEY ARE SO FUCKING SMUG
Baby boomers have been smothering themselves in themselves for so long it never occurred to them that A) they are wrong and B) we don’t like them. They are the kings of the universe and what they say goes. While the new working class gets pushed out of jobs by people that are willing to work for $2 an hour, you have anuses like Thomas Friedman responding with, “American workers need to pull up their socks.” What is his fucking problem? Why do these rich bastards pretend they like the poor as they squish them into the ground? Hey Tom, shipbuilding used to be Scotland’s biggest export but people in Bangladesh were willing to work all day for a free lunch so the industry went there. Are Scottish people lazy?
Apparently you have to be lying on the ground covered in sweat to be considered “salt of the earth.”
|Vanity Fair’s August 2005 issue takes a huge shit on the chest of our generation.||Peter Kuper having a nightmare about being photographed (from his graphic novel Stripped).||Something’s Gotta Give is mom porn.|
WHAT IS IT WITH THE KIDS TODAY?
Vanity Fair is having an essay contest sponsored by Montblanc pens called “What’s on the Minds of America’s Youth Today?” The subject is basically: Why do today’s kids only care about keggers? The kids of the 60s changed the world by buying weird pants and hanging out at a “happening”?
Apparently we have no subcultures of our own, no politics, no ethics, and, where they went to big parties, got high and fucked, all we ever do is go to big parties, get high, and fuck.
Even though they don’t live anywhere near here, boomers hate that there are cameras on city streets and phone calls are occasionally recorded. Guess what, suburbanites, we like cameras on the street. That’s how we got Rudy Fleming. If someone wants to record my phone calls, go bananas. The only time I do anything illegal is when it’s in a bathroom or in my home and there’re no cameras there so fuck it. The rest of the time I want to be monitored. Go get on a plane where none of the passengers have gone through security if you hate surveillance so much. That plane would reek so bad from people shitting their pants in fear you’d have to jump out the window.
“Waaah, but they could be spying on you so they can market to you more specifically!” Good, I am sick of SUV ads. If someone wants to send me junk mail about a new Suicidal Tendencies box set, bring it on.
“Ooooh oooh, but what about George Orwell? What if they put microchips in our brains?” How about we cross that bridge when we come to it? There are 11 million illegals in this country. Two of the 9/11 terrorists were here on expired visas and five of them were already wanted in connection with other attacks. “Big Brother” is not exactly overexerting himself.
THEY HATE NUMBERS
“With just a dollar a day we can end poverty.” What? That is just as absurd as saying we can “end terror” or institute worldwide democracy. All this “save the world” shit started out as arrogant hippies who thought they had all the answers. Now it’s rich, corporate hippies that want to institute global monopolies. Same shit, different day.
Hey hippies, here’s some numbers:
• If you include prison, at least twice more men http://www.menweb.org/throop/abuse/usa-prison.html get raped than women.
• Today there are over seven times more slaves than ever before and the majority of them are women.
• There are 5 billion people in the world living in countries poorer than Mexico and that number adds 80 million to itself every year. They can’t be saved. Cut them loose.
• Until the boomers started getting real jobs, America had always run a trade surplus. Since they’ve been in the work force our trade deficit has grown to $600 billion dollars. Outsourcing is killing us and it’s your fault.
THEY ARE NOT ADULTS
My buddy Marco just proposed to his girlfriend, and when she told her pot-smoking, “want to be your pal” dad, he acted all weird, like he was selling out to the Man if he took it seriously. After thinking about it for a minute, he rolled his eyes and said all sarcastically, “So I guess I’m supposed to have ‘a talk’ with him now, aren’t I?” He even made quote fingers when he said “a talk.”
SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE
When you watch this movie you can’t help but think, “I bet this bitch has some rich Hollywood husband who paid for this because they both think she’s so special.” Then you go to imdb and you realize, “Holy shit, I’m right. They also did the movie Baby Boom together.” Something’s Gotta Give is nothing more than an autobiography about a middle-aged writer who is smart (why, because she writes plays about herself?), funny (she doesn’t say one funny thing the entire movie), and attractive (you’re 50 years old you, fucking cow!) so why does she not have men beating down her door? “I mean, Something’s Gotta Give right?” No. Nothing has to give, bitch. Old ladies are not supposed to be out there in the singles scene. Has it occurred to these people that the divorce experiment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?
Eventually something does give and Keanu Reeves and Jack Nicholson stumble over each other trying to marry her. Yeah, right. Hey, can I make a movie where women masturbate thinking about my bag?
Where Something’s Gotta Give sums up what the boomers think of themselves today, Five Easy Pieces shows us where they got it. This is the movie where Jack Nicholson is a cool working-class tough guy who’s secretly posh and can play piano real well. This is what they’re all about. Boomers are rich white college kids that hate rich white people and wish everyone was down with the oppressed. The really revealing thing about this movie is the tangent it goes off on following Nicholson’s libido. This is what they really care about—their genitals. Like all shameless and greedy idiots, the hero wants to fuck the pretty girl and ignores the fact that she’s his brother’s wife. She doesn’t seem to care either. They never do. Just like that other movie he did a year later with Art Garfunkel where they are both secretly fucking Candice Bergen. Shit, all boomer movies are about infidelity. Look at Woody Allen. It’s just a bunch of pathetic old pieces of shit intellectualizing the fact that they want to fuck everyone and can’t deal with the consequences.
|Look, we have to shave our faces every day. What’s so sexist about throwing some bush maintenance into the armpit and leg thing? We eat way more pussy than boomers, so we know what we’re talking about. Anything hairier than this is unacceptable.||Old ladies are going to get kids no matter what kind of weirdo freak science they have to get into. Eeeeeew. What is this old sow, a possum?||Nannies suck because A) you are not with your child as much as you should be and B) they are not with their children as much as they should be. You know globalization has gone too far when the Third World is outsourcing love.|
They started that whole “free love” thing because the men were really horny and wanted to put their dinks in everything. Then, for some reason, they got married—but they wanted to fuck more so they invented wife swapping and swinging. Or they just cheated. When you’re rich, spoiled, and horny, cheating isn’t even a question. It’s just what you do.
Why do people need to get divorced anyway? “Because we’ve grown apart.” What the fuck does that mean? Maybe it’s time my brother and I realized we’ve grown apart and we get a brother divorce. I’m going to tell my grandma that I need to see other grandmas for a while because I need my freedom.
Two generations ago nobody got divorced. You just did your best to find the right one, then you made it work. Sure, there were some bad times when they weren’t getting along that great and, yes, they did want to fuck other people but they didn’t. They had bigger responsibilities. But when the boomers were horny or in a bad mood they just got divorced. Divorce has gone up 600 percent since 1968 and what has it got us? A whole lot of fucked-up people. There are 2 million American males in prison and almost all of them come from broken homes. A third of the children in America live with one parent so we can look forward to plenty more of the same. Thanks, boomers.
We grew up with Hustler, where pubes were trimmed down to a manageable pussy-eating length. They grew up with Playboy where the bigger the bushin’ the sloppier the pushin’. Gross.
Talk about a failed experiment. “Hey, we’re going to free you from the kitchen so you can join the man’s world.” They neglected to mention: a kitchen is not a prison, most of the work in a man’s world is a boring pain in the ass, these liberated women are still going to cook and clean as much as their mothers did, the wages of both spouses will be lowered so there’s no real financial gain, stressful office work makes you go bald, hiring a nanny means diluting the love equation (50 percent of college-educated working mothers use nannies), CEOs don’t get to see their kids, and finally, a biological fact that is still verboten to admit: “Your ovaries aren’t going to make it past 35.”
PS What the fuck does “bra burning” mean? I’m serious. What does it mean? Is it a droopy-tit movement? Are bras horrible things to wear? Are women only wearing bras because men want their tits to stay perky longer? How about we all burn our underwear? Would that make us revolutionaries?
Ever notice they all have twins now? Know why? Ready to barf? They waited so late to have kids they ran out of ovaries so the doctor had to blast them with fertility drugs in the hopes one of the few ovaries left would survive. So, like a sick possum, they shit out about ten miscarriages before one of them lives. Of course, two of them often survive, even three. That’s why you see so many of these 40-year-old circus freaks dancing around with a slew of tiny, spooky clones.
POSTMODERN CRITICAL THEORY
What the fuck do they teach in college these days anyway? Education used to be about science and math and, if you were feeling really artsy, maybe English. Then the boomers got into Marx and Che and being a fucking loser and now it’s all about new math and critical theory, which is really all about making up a fancy new language that makes everyone who didn’t go to college feel dumb.
Back when boomers were in college, engineers were literally harassed by potential employers in the hallway. Even people with English degrees could start at $65K editing memos. Today a college degree means less than a high school degree did 20 years ago. No wonder. College is a joke.
One time I was in school and we were talking about Hemingway and The Sun Also Rises and I go, “But I just read an interview with him about that book and he said he didn’t intend that at all. He said the book was about how boring and shallow that whole scene was,” and the professor says, get this, “It doesn’t matter what the author thought. Our analysis goes through the author.” What? Now Hemingway doesn’t know shit about Hemingway? Another professor we had was literally the head of the Canadian Communist Party and he told us that it was OK to have an abortion, are you ready for this? “Up until a year after the baby is born.” Apparently monkeys have more human characteristics than 11-month old-babies, ergo the babies aren’t really human so fuck it—kill them. The fact that humans are human didn’t seem to be a factor.
College today is little more than a boomer soapbox. Interest in math and engineering has plummeted so far since the 70s that we’re now on equal footing with Eastern European losers like Lithuania. Shit, the only people we’re still beating are South Africa and Cyprus.
See Dan Clowes’s “Art School Confidential” for more on what the boomers have done to education.
|Possibly even more out of touch than the New York Times.||As with Live Aid, this frivolous gesture leads to piles of rotting food and slightly richer warlords.||Boomers’ love of socialism begins and ends with their hatred of “Arch” (who, incidentally, was a mensch).|
Just because you didn’t shower for a few days in the 60s doesn’t make you a revolutionary. All you did was dress like a homeless cowboy and spend the better part of 30 years talking about how important “your music” is. Guess what, boomer shitstain? It’s not yours. You make us suffer through it at every airport in the western world but technically it’s not even baby-boomer music. When you came of age and picked up a guitar, all you could manage was songs about wine-cooler parties. Hendrix would be over 60 if he were alive today. He’s not one of you. Janis Joplin was pre-boomer too. So were the Beatles. Shit, civil rights and the freedom riders wasn’t our parents. It was our grandparents (don’t say that to them, they can’t take it). All boomers created was disco, Jimmy Buffett, and, of course, K.C. and the Sunshine Band.
Keep in mind the flower-power nimrods you see in AP photos were only a small percentage of all the boomers. Most of them were nerds. The few that did “make a difference” simply bought a ticket to a concert, got really high, followed their friends to a huge party, and then fucked. That’s it. The way they talk you’d think that most of them were in those bands.
This fucking nostalgic baby-boomerfest is a classic example of their “illusion of achievement,” that comes without sacrifice, effort, or action. This all goes back to the Cold War propaganda they grew up with. After the A-bomb you couldn’t have real war that involved countries fighting each other anymore. The world evolved into a nuclear stalemate and everything was fought on a media level. Telling people something happened became more powerful than actually doing something. Boomers refined that notion down to an art form. They are the masters of pretending you can “change the world” simply by saying it. Why do you think the only field they’ve made real advances in is marketing? They like to talk.
Live 8 was a bunch of aged rockers playing a boomer greatest hits showcase in front of a hometown crowd of cheering fans that were stupid enough to indulge them. Why? I mean, what kind of out-of-touch lunatic brings a fucking former starving African onstage and has her dance around? Do these shitheads actually believe that somehow their massive ego inflation altered the world dialogue on African debt relief? Ha ha ha ha. I just heard from Ku’Fu in Chad. He was super stoked and said “Thanks!”
Last year we told you how the German Marxists taught boomers to yell “Nazi” and “racist” anytime they’re losing an argument but do you know why there were so easily brainwashed by this Marxist propaganda? Because it made their parents really fucking angry. The pre-boomer generation were covered in blisters from digging and scraping their way out of the working class and understandably went ballistic when their affluent and unemployed offspring told them what it is the working man goes through. No spoiled brat can resist making steam come out of his father’s ears, hence an entire generation of incredibly wealthy capitalists teaching the world the merits of socialism. As Andy Milonakis says, “You gotta be rich to hate money.”
Of course to dare to point this out means you are secretly in cahoots with Republicans. No, we hate you both equally. The Left is too stupid and the Right is too uptight. Today there is no difference between neocons and liberals. They are all one thing: baby boomers.
Remember when Billy Idol came out with that Cyber-something album sneering and sprouting wires like a Radio Shack Chia head? It’s like he was screaming, “I’m from the future nigggaarghhh!” And we were all, “Sorry, dude, but the future is slick and modernist. If you really want to get futury go back to the late 50s.”
Today’s future is crap-based. Boomer culture is all about making things faster, cheaper, and more disposable than last week. All they ever invented was a podium for paralyzed millionaires called the Segway and a bunch of $60,000 one-man flying machines. Guess who those inventions are for.
|After you pay off your $35,000 in student loans you are going to need at least another $200,000 to buy a house. Funny, eh?||Is it possible we could get some news about outsourcing or the lack of jobs or China’s military threat, please? Our ears and eyes work just fine.||Che dead in Bolivia. Like Kaiser Wilhelm he “could not stand the idea that there was a quarrel in the world and he was not part of it.” Didn’t go so well for those guys. Let’s see what happens with Bush.|
You know how we do an article? One guy checks out a weird thing, takes a digital picture of it, lays it out in Quark or InDesign, then emails the whole package to the printer for free. That’s the way our generation does things, by ourselves.
Most magazines, however, are still using the boomer template of: find out about a thing from a press release, have an editorial meeting about it, get an editor to spend a day finding a good writer, then have the photo editor have a meeting about it, he then finds a photographer that would be suitable, they fly the two down there, blah blah, money, more meetings. Basically they have about seven people do the job of one for ten times the money. It’s the same with everything they do. Look at the music industry. They have one successful record for every nine that fail. As Vice Record’s Adam Shore put it, “I can’t think of any other business where a 90 percent failure rate is considered a success.” Every time Vice opens a new branch it’s like walking into a crack house. Everything they do is in such desperate need of an overhaul being an entrepreneur feels like being a social worker but for giant babies in suits.
When they were young they didn’t shower. They studied “revolution” in school for free and then invented corporate culture: a gigantic globalist market where everyone is loved equally, especially if they can provide the company with cheap labor.
The boomer business world is just a bunch of meaningless VP titles to justify five people getting promoted for doing the work of one person. When it comes to us, the promotions are simply a different title on your business card. How about a fucking raise, you bald dipshit? Our generation doesn’t give a flying fuck about moving up from assistant manager to production supervisor for free. We have $40,000 of student loans to pay off. Boomers have diluted the value of education to nothing, increased the price of it to tens of thousands of dollars, and then offered us barely over minimum wage after we graduate with no hope of advancement. Today we owe our souls to the company store. What are we, fucking coal miners?
Of course, if we don’t like it it’s our fault. Boomer “cultural critics” thought they’d really hit on something when they called us “Generation Entitlement” (can you believe the audacity?) Sorry we’re so disillusioned with the hole you dug us.
According to the Economic Opportunity Program at Demos, people in their 20s who are currently working paycheck to paycheck can expect to keep doing so well into their 40s. Combine this with the fact that wages haven’t risen in years, housing costs have skyrocketed (even in a shithole like Portland properties went up by $20,000 last year), and you have the Nickel and Dimed conclusion: Most of us are two paychecks away from homelessness. Sorry, but do you see a way out? The boomer’s median house price of $23,000 has risen to $148,000. Now most people spend over half their income on rent and stand no chance of accruing a down payment anytime this decade. You tell me how it’s going to pan out.
They smoked pot in the 60s, dropped acid in the 70s, and snorted coke in the 80s but all we hear about is how dangerous drugs are and how we have to keep them away from their kids. Unless, of course, those drugs are pharmaceuticals. In the past few years the number of psychotropic drugs for kids ages two to four has tripled and at least 1.5 million kids are on Ritalin. So… drugs are bad for kids but we need to get more kids on drugs. Oooooooh kaaaaaaye.
Goddamnit. Pick up the past few issues of Newsweek and all they want to talk about is transplants and Alzheimer’s and how to cure hearing loss and “Do we have the technology to extend life?” It used to talk about news occasionally but now you feel like you’re reading a trade magazine for geriatric medicine. Can’t these people just die? It’s not like any of this “care” makes a difference. According to Health Care Matters, “a 10 percent increase in pharmaceutical consumption would increase a 60-year-old’s unadjusted life expectancy by about 0.6 percent.” That means approximately 160 more days of crawling around the living room in a cardigan trying to figure out how to record Matlock.
Now that we know who they are, here’s what to do with them: Let them starve. They’re letting their parents rot in old-age homes right now. Let’s up the ante and cut “homes” right out of the equation. Leave them where they are, throw in a few chlorine pucks, and lock the door. All they talk about is the price of pills and how they need hip replacement surgery and more pills and “Oooh, I have to go to Canada to get my pills.” Fuck their pills. No other generation had pills. They can die with dignity like everyone else.
Boomers like to tell us our numbers are plummeting and we need new people to come in and help the baby boomers deal with retirement. No. We don’t. We like the idea of a smaller population. We are not bringing in a whole new crop of slaves to pay your pensions and keep you within the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to. We are not going to raise taxes to support your drug habit. We’re not even going to shit on your grave. It’s a waste of shit. When you die we are going to pull your blanket over your head and quietly walk out of the room. That’s all you get, you self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing, boring, stupid shitstains.
“This is Barbara Nameypants, signing off, back to you Brad. Thanks Barbara, Now lets go to Mary Weatherspoon for the latest on today’s shithacking etc” Do you think I give a flying fuck who reads the news off a cue card? Oooh it’s Anderson Cooper on CNN in huge letters. I care. Gloria Vanderbilt’s son is going to read the news to me. I’m so scared.
Baby Boomers are so self-obsessed they invented this name culture where everybody has to get credited in real huge letters for all the world to see. I was playing a video game the other day and there was a plaque riveted to it explaining who designed what in the game. Um, I don’t hire video game designers but thanks for the heads up. If I ever need someone to do “action layout and design” I’ll give Danny Yakamoto a call. Nobody cares who you are you fuck. That’s why we always make up funny names for bylines in this magazine. It doesn’t matter who we are. Our motto is, “It’s not about the person it’s about the thing.”
Waaaaah. Peter Jennings died. He was a great American reader of the news and now he’s gone. Oh and Johnny Carson died too. Noooooo! He used to talk to celebrities about bullshit and he would even wear a funny hat on his head sometimes. That’s gone forever.
Can you believe how much fucking air time these guys got when they croaked? And the people being interviewed always said the same thing, “We will never see the likes of him again.” They are so into themselves that when one of them dies it’s like the end of an era. Sorry boomers but there are an endless supply of people that can read the news and an even huger supply of people willing to chat with celebrities. I know it hurts but the truth is: the world will go on when you die.
LOWER CASE HELVETICA
Oh and when they want to pretend they’re humble about their name they do that fucking annoying lower case Helvetica thing where they’re all jon forsythe and berry goldsprinkk.
We don’t really like tattoos. Half the time we look down at our arms and go, “What the fuck was I thinking?” but boomers don’t get them. If it helps separate us from them then get the fuck over here with that machine and start drawing on me.
Are they constantly sitting by the lake in On Golden Pond? Well, yeah, kind of. Their whole life is a big hangout with nothing to do but ask meaningless questions about stuff. “Oh, should gays be married? Oh, what about the death penalty? And what is rap anyways?” Who gives a shit? The other day I tuned into CBC Radio and you know what the topic of the day was? (This is not a joke.) It was, “Why do we say duck tape instead of duct tape?” Hey, old people, I don’t have time to ponder. I’m busy doing stuff and trying to pay off the Sisyphean debt you stuck me with. Move!
Of course, they’re not listening. They’re by the lake musing. They love to muse because you never have to get into facts or statistics. You can just throw math in the garbage, grab a big book of critical theory and hmmmm away.
You ever see that PBS, eight DVD series about New York? Jesus Christ. You have to wade through about twenty minutes of musing to get one fact. “There is no definitive book about New York,” says one of the many tweed blazer wearing history pontificators, “because it is ever changing.” What in the fuck does that mean? Have LA, Boston and Sri Lanka just sat there in awe of the Big Apple wondering why they don’t change too? Ivory tower professors puke out this blethering rhetoric because they want to get their soundbite in some big book of quotes while we sit there rolling our eyes waiting for some actual information.
Being forced to go to a dinner party with your parents is about as bad as it gets. Can these people get over rude puns please? “Oh, you shower and I’ll show her!” What are they, virgins? I thought they started the sexual revolution. To hear them talk and giggle about “blue movies” makes you wonder if they even know girls don’t have dinks.
THEY DON’T DO ORAL SEX
Can you believe these fucking losers need some fag to come by with a briefcase full of dildoes to tell them how to do a blowjob? Ha ha ha. What were you doing for the past twenty years, lying on top of each other and wiggling around until a baby came out?
Now these fuckers are telling the doctor exactly what day they want to have the baby. Is there a woman alive today that doesn’t do a C-section? What ever happened to being a pregnant lady that pushes a baby out of her vagina? Was that process so flawed? It seemed to be going pretty well for the last 50,000 years. Thanks to boomers the only way to give birth is to induce labor with a bunch of chemicals and then carve her up if she doesn’t pop one out in the next two minutes. What is this, Logan’s Run?
THEY ARE CRYBABIES
Did you see Jared Diamond in that Guns, Germs and Steel documentary where he throws together this pizza pie of a theory to explain why the West has done so well? He’s talking about how we ruined the world using germs and then he goes to some African orphanage and starts bawling his fucking eyes out. Waaaaah. Then he lets something slip that is very telling of his generation. He goes, “Germs have been a major area of study for me for the past ten years but to see the damage they can do close up is another matter.” Get it? They sit in their office and pontificate but when the real world comes calling they have a panic attack. “Wait, this is real? People really are dying? Waaaah!”
Or how about Dan Rather on David Letterman when he started talking about September 11th and commenced to blubbering like a kindergarten bully that got punched in the nose. I’ll tell you something. I was embarrassed. The whole time he was sobbing I kept thinking, “Please don’t show this on al-Jazeera. Please don’t let them see what babies we are.” Thanks Dan. Way to keep a stiff upper lip.
Thanks guys. You bought them for $20,000, made sure all of you had one and then, when it was our turn to try, you all simultaneously moved the decimal place over to the left. Great. Now you all have $200,000 houses. One problem. None of us are ever going to have even close to that kind of money. Either move the decimal place back where it belongs or we are going to burn your houses to the ground.
And they call us lazy? They can’t even handle going to another country and having to find a restaurant? “Oooh, we might get robbed. I need to stay on the compound with razor wire that keeps out the poor.” Pussies.
Classic rock sucks. Even Led Zeppelin. As Nikki Six put it, “People with curly hair can’t rock and Robert Plant is no exception. They were not a great band. They took the blues and didn’t do anything with it. They just took it and repeated it.” Yeah. And don’t forget the part where Jimmy Page just stole all Bert Jansch’s riffs note for note (I’m not exaggerating).
THEY’RE ALWAYS TRYING TO BE US
All these years in marketing have taught them one unavoidable fact. You have to keep going young if you want your audience to last. “What’s hot?” is so important to them that they pay cool hunters tens of thousands of dollars a year to hear that snowboarding with sunglasses on and listening to rap is the only way to sell your product. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of some of these meetings where they sit around a big conference table and try to figure out if Everything But the Girls to Boyz to Men Without Hats is a real band. There’s nothing better than watching a rich, smug, desperate liar frantically grasping at straws as his whole life goes down the toilet.
What do you do when you’re dumb and lazy but you want a lot of money? What’s the perfect job for someone that is all talk and no action? It’s called marketing. A non-productive non-product where you just keep throwing shit against a wall until it sticks. Do you hate Spam? Then you hate baby boomers.
Oh and by the way boomers: Ads don’t work. Brand loyalty is a suburban myth. That’s why no-name brands are more popular than ever. The world has figured out that the emperor’s sponsors have no clothes. We ain’t buying it (literally). It’s going to be really interesting to watch this next generation with their no TV and their no bullshit shopping patterns deflate the boomer’s marketing balloon until it’s nothing but a withered old bag lying on the floor.
BOBBY McGEE JONES MCGILLICUTTY
BILL CLINTON – THE FIRST BOOMER PRESIDENT
Boomers grew up without having to face true evil, unlike the generation before them (Hitler, Stalin and Mao) and our generation (Osama and co.). This ignorance of evil means Boomers don’t know the difference between right and wrong, and have a hard time spotting a bad guy when they see one. It was fine for a while, when the worst thing a Boomer without a moral compass could do was throw “swinger parties” and occasionally go off the rails like Charles Manson and Jim Jones. But things got serious when Bill Clinton, the “first Boomer president,” was elected. Not knowing the true face of evil meant he was unable to recognize the genocide in Rwanda until after a million innocent people were hacked to death with machetes. It also led to President Clinton not being able to recognize the threat of Osama bin Laden and killing him when he had the chance. There was even a White House memo that outlined the threat of bin Laden, which apparently had handwritten notes on it from President Clinton himself, dismissing the threat of bin Laden. We say “apparently,” because nobody will ever know for sure. See, last year, after being subpoenaed to the 9-11 Commission, Sandy Berger (Clinton’s National Security Advisor) snuck into the National Archives, stole those memos and shredded them (a crime for which he will be sentenced in September 05).
THEY TRIED TO BRING COMMUNISM TO AMERICA
Remember “Communes?” And the origin of the word “Communism” is…
When America was first settled, they tried the commune model, following the “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs,” model. Unfortunately, it was such a total failure that by 1623 people were starving to death left and right and the future of the “new world” was in jeopardy. See, the problem with commune-ism is; there’s no motive to do things better and to work harder to deliver something of value to your fellow men. It never, ever, works. Just ask Russia (people waiting in line forever to get bread and toilet paper) and the Chinese (30 million dying from starvation thanks to Mao’s commie agricultural plan). Unlike the Russians or Chinese, when our forefathers saw that things weren’t working they changed, trying capitalism, private property, and individualism, rather than a system geared toward the “common good.” The result? The birth of the greatest, most powerful nation in the history of the world – which went on to create jazz, manned flight, and the computer. Commune-loving Boomers tried to get rid of all that in the 60s and 70s. Like all true communists, they failed.
MORE CLOGGING UP THE JOB MARKET
Boomers have been clogging the upper echelon of the job market for years. A 2002 Time magazine story entitled “Young and Jobless” put it this way; “Boomers are refusing to budge,” and “they are clogging up the system.” To make things worse, Boomers are now figuring out ways to live longer so they don’t have to give up that corner office to someone from our generation. Then, like actor Michael Douglas – bam – they’ll get old all at once like a ripcord’s been pulled, at which point we’re going to have to pay for the Boomers’ retirement through Social Security (it used to be that 16 workers supported 1 retiree. Today, 3 workers do, and in the future, only two of us will be supporting each retiree). Think of it as an extra set of grandparents living in your home, eating your groceries and sending you the bill for their nine thousand different pills – a bill you can’t pay, because you don’t have a job.
CLOGGING UP THE MUSIC BIZ
Boomers, clogging up the hierarchy of the music biz and Grammy Award voting structure, are responsible for choosing Steely Dan’s Two Against Nature as album of the year in 2001 (over Radiohead’s Kid A) and Bob Dylan’s Time out of Mind over Radiohead’s OK Computer in 1998. Then, in an attempt to cover their asses, they go overboard, trying to act all “hip” and “young.” Of course, they get it all wrong, picking Evanescence as Best New Artist in 2004 (how’s that career working out?) and Kylie Minogue for Best Dance Song (beating out Cher and Madonna, for added irony). These Boomer-clogged voting blocks also have no idea what black people actually listen to, consistently picking acts like Black Eyed Peas and Nelly for best hip-hop, and middle-of-the-road R&B artists like Beyonce. They’re like that weird old guy at a party bopping his head to the music (out of time) and trying to blend in. It’s creepy and uncomfortable.
THEY THINK TERRORISM IS SEXY
To many Boomers in the 1970s, members of the Weather Underground were heroes. Convinced that America’s presence in Vietnam was illegal, they engaged in a series of domestic attacks designed to overthrow the United States government. They waged street battles with police, bombed the Capitol building and broke Boomer icon Timothy Leary out of prison. Today, we call these sorts of people terrorists. In 2003, a documentary about this terrorist group was nominated for an academy award and fully embraced by Boomer film reviewers:
“A great story! The young, violent, and glamorous anti-establishment militants of the 1960s. Terrifically smart!”
-Elvis Mitchell, NY TIMES
These are the same people that conveniently forget Mandela went to jail for terrorism. His boys, the ANC were famous for bombing government buildings and delivering “tire necklaces” (when you put a gas filled tire around someone’s neck, light it, and laugh their head off).
Today, our university faculty rooms are filled with these hippie leftovers, preaching the gospel of their stoned and violent youth to the next generation. Todd Gitlin, former president of S.D.S. (a precursor to the Weather Underground) is now an author and professor of journalism at Columbia. Here’s what he had to say about the murdering terrorists of his youth: “‘Like Bonnie and Clyde, many of them were attractive personally. They were into youth, exuberance, sex, drugs. They wanted action.” And Osama is the epitome of tall, dark and handsome.
THEY STILL LOVE EASY RIDER
It’s extra sad when they buy all the gear, too. Then, they put their wives on the back of their hogs and drive cross-country with nothing but a MasterCard and whatever they can stuff into a pair of saddlebags. That means one change of clothes – for the entire country. That means everything, from day 2 onward, smells like Dad balls.
THEY STILL SMOKE POT
Boomers always have a bag of weed around the house and marijuana use among adults aged 45-64 is up a whopping 355%. This is great when you’re a kid, stealing enough for a joint, but halfway through smoking it, you’re like, “Damn, this is Mom’s high I’m feeling right now.” The good news is there’s been new evidence linking heart attacks to marijuana use. Doesn’t “marijuana-induced heart attacks” have a nice ring to it?
At Woodstock #1, it rained buckets on Boomers, causing mudslides and the biggest outbreak of Trenchfoot since the second World War. At Woodstock #2 in 1994, it rained buckets on the sons and daughters of Boomers, causing mudslides and the biggest outbreak of Trenchfoot since Woodstock #1. By way of contrast, Toronto’s Gay Pride Day parade, as long as I can remember, has never – ever – been rained on. In fact, it’s always sunny and warm for the homos’ big day. That either means that God hates Boomer Hippies or God loves Fags. Likely both.
Can you believe they’re actually building a monument to the more than 125,000 draft-dodging cowards who fled America to Canada between 1964 and 1977? The monument is being designed now, with plans to unveil it in Nelson, British Columbia in 2006. Early sketches of the statue include a fat idiot running away in a tie-dyed shirt while his brothers die on the battlefield, and a reclining bearded asswipe holding a joint and getting blown by a pair of buck-toothed Canadian girls.
Tesco Vee of The Meatmen was way, way ahead of the curve on Boomer hating. He wrote the song “1 Down, 3 To Go” about the Beatles way back in ye olden times of 1983.
We asked Tesco to revisit his sentiments about the Fabulously Overrated Four now that it’s 2 Down, 2 To Go…
“Truth be told I was as big a fan of the Fab 4 as the rest of the universe, but when selecting targets for maximum shock value they were an obvious choice. The reaction to Lennon being gunned down and his quick elevation to sainthood belied the years of mediocrity with Sea Hag Ono, and their stinky no bath nude-ins and stints on Mike Douglas. Now 25 years hence I torment the 29 year old who sits behind me at work with a relentless stream of ‘2 down 2 to Go!’ and the visceral reaction remains the same. Just because they were the second greatest pop group of all time—behind ABBA of course—does not absolve them of the guilt and shame that accompanies iconic hero worship and the joy I felt flingin’ that musical cyanide pie in their faces. Still brings a gleam to this ol’ buzzards eye.”
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