Screw keeping up with sports. Who has the time? Why not just read this and get the gist of all last week's ball-related news? You can use the knowledge to successfully hobnob with weird regular people at the carpet-shampooing place, friendly skinheads, the guy who washes your cat, women who are better than you, the incredibly rich, and so on.
- Manchester City, until recently the worst team in the Premiership, won the EPL in sicko fashion Sunday. Man United had won earlier, and City, needing a win over QPR, did just that, scoring two goals in injury time. That never happens, so here are the radio calls of the winner. There are some who say Man City bought the title—one of those accusers has been knighted—but who gives a shit? That goal wasn’t bought.
- Oklahoma City, who beat the champs so long ago there are stories about them being “rusty,” are meeting the Lakers, who aren’t rusty because they barely beat the Nuggets. LA forward Metta World Peace said he won’t give James Harden a fist-bump when his team meets the Thunder in Round 2, because, Metta said, “I am transforming into a cartoonish pro-wrestling style villain.”
- Out east, Miami beat the Knicks in a rout—because Teh Knicks are Suck—and face the Pacers, who apparently are in the playoffs. Good for them!
- LeBron James, MVP, wears “Urkel glasses.” Teammate Shane Battier—who has a dimpled head and still has a sneaker deal with a Chinese company—thinks that’s lame. He apparently discussed it “for 10 minutes,” so why isn’t there a feature on this?
- Josh Beckett stood defiant in his quest to either be the most dickish player in baseball or the most Teamster-ish, as he defended his right to play golf on his day off. (He only gets 18 days off all season! And then the entire offseason!) Then he got booed off the field for sucking. What a class act.
- The Blue Jays signed Vladimir Guerrero, who used to be so, so awesome, to play baseball. But it was a Minor League contract and he’s not any good any more. Still, it’s an excuse to remember how awesome he was.
- Brewers closer and stupid mustache-haver John Axford blew a save on Friday, ending his MLB-best 49 straight converted chances streak. He had to split, though, since his wife was in labor or something, and left this funny note.
- A bunch of ultra-Orthodox Jews are starting some sort of mosh pit at Citi Field to talk smack on how terrible the internet is. Someone should tell them about that site with all the funny cats—it might change their mind.
- Bryce Harper, apparently trying to do something to his hair, or possessed by it, punched himself in the face and required stitches after an 0-for-5 night with three strikeouts. Thing that’s cool is he said when he hits his first grand slam, he’ll cut off his stupid skrullet.
- Playoffs! The Rangers, who are super annoying, beat the Flyers in seven games, and will move onto the Devils. Oh good, just what New York City needs, more people from New Jersey coming over! NJ Transit is adding cars to its trains to accommodate the Jersey migration as we speak.
- The Vikings got a pretty sweet stadium deal from the Minnesota legislature last week. Did those fat cats get anything else done? Sort of. Is it shameful that grown-ass legislators get influenced by a Roger Goodell appearance? What the fuck do you think?
- Nothing happened this week. They were all taking exams.