Here’s everything important that happened in every sport last week. If it’s not in here, it’s unathletic.
- The Thunder want to make David Roth look bad, so they won two games in a row. DeJuan Blair, who started most of the year for San Antonio, has been underutilized, and the “buzz” is he'll get more play in Game 5. Roth said he'd snap my pinkie finger off if San Antonio gets bounced, so consider this a guarantee they win.
- The Heat were spanked by a Celtics team that starts three or four 70-year-olds. Miami's offense has been shaky. They're basically playing "give it to LeBron and/or Wade," which ain't good enough. LeBron also fouled out for the first time in the playoffs, which means he's officially a bad person.
- The Clippers re-signed the worst coach in the NBA—ever—and also their GM, Neal Olshey, probably out of charity. Being GM of the Clippers is akin to running a research lab for a cigarette company—where are you going to work with that stench on you? If Olshey lost his job with the Clippers he’d probably have to be one of those old guys who works at Burger King.
- The Mets pitched a no-hitter! THE METS PITCHED A NO-HITTER! Well, specifically, Johan Santana pitched a no-hitter. It was the first one in the team’s 51-year history, which seems insane, but actually isn’t. Some guy in jorts ran onto the field and got straight whupped.
- The Angels’ best player is probably either Albert Pujols or Mike Trout, but lately it’s been Ernesto Frieri, a guy who pitches and who has been pretty good at it lately, striking out an insane amount of batters per inning. He needs a nickname, so how about “this guy Frieri”? Bold flavors!
- Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler is free of Cuba and also officially a free agent. He might sign with the Cubs and holy shit do they need some help. Cubs outfielder Yoenis Cespedes (also a Cuban) came back from injury Saturday, and they scored their first run that day since Tuesday. (You need runs to win games.)
- Matt Kemp, the best player in baseball right now, also came off the DL, and then re-injured himself right away. Bummmmmmmmmer. Kemp told a reporter from Game Gear Monthly that he plans on playing a lot of Game Gear while on the DL. Reports of which cartridge he’s trying to beat are unconfirmed.
- Some stat nerds ran some numbers and found out B.J. Upton, the talented but sometimes shitty center fielder for the Rays, plays much better when he wears those high baseball socks. Upton has taken the advice and says he’ll wear those socks for the rest of the season. There’s also an idea of him wearing those ill Mary J. Blige socks that run up mid-thigh, and if he does that he’ll probably make the Hall of Fame.
- The Kings are on fire, having beaten the Devils twice in overtime. The first two games have been in New Jersey, and the Kings have yet to lose on the road this postseason. The last time the first two Cup games were decided in OT was 1951, though, to be fair, overtime was much different back then, as it was mainly a musket-shooting competition.
- Nicklas Lindstrom, one of the best defensemen ever, retired after playing 20 years in Detroit. The Swede won seven Best Defenseman Guy awards (or whatever that’s called) and four Stanley Cups, one as a captain. That last one was a big deal since Don Cherry, the tablecloth guy, said European players can’t captain teams to Cups since they're pussies. He did, Cherry cried, and that was that.
- Brazil beat the US Men’s National Team 4-1 in a friendly—a match that doesn’t count for anything except pride, respect, and self-worth. Neymar, Brazil’s young star, was on fire, scoring a PK and setting up two more goals. You may be confusing him with Kerlon, who can dribble a ball on his head, but you shouldn’t. Just because they are both Brazilian and have similar-sounding two-syllable one-name names and both live in the same house and date the same girls, doesn’t mean you can confuse them.
Previously - Goldwater Hates Hockey