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The Worst Things That Have Ever Happened at Dunkin' Donuts

By Jules Suzdaltsev

Photo via Flickr user Poom

Last time, we looked at all the lunacy that goes down on Greyhound buses. Today, we're ranking the most epic Dunkin' Donuts clusterfucks, rated from 1 (Relatively Inconvenient) to 10 (Nightmarish Catastrophe). Those doughnuts make 'em go nuts.

–Florida resident Taylor Chapman did not get a receipt after ordering from Da Dunk and went to the extreme of filming her complaint and posting it on YouTube. Having a customer-service gripe is like winning the food-service lottery for degenerates. The further the store employee bends over backwards to appease her, the deeper she shoves her entitlement. From her lawyer being already “on it" to “I said I want the whole fuckin’ menu, bitch—twice," our beautiful ray of sunshine harasses other customers who could not give less of a shit and eventually spots the “complete cunt sandnigger whore” from the previous day who allegedly neglected to print her receipt. Taylor’s reaction is pretty reasonable: “I hope you’re happy with your little fucking sandnigger self. 'Cause I’m about to nuke your whole fucking planet from Mars. You think y'all are tough, big, fat Arabs bombin’ the Trade Center? I’ll show you tough.” By her own admission, she’s been served piss-covered fries, which is by far the most logical part of the entire racist, privileged, batshit eight-minute tirade. 7/10

–Most of the time when you receive the wrong order it’s pretty infuriating, but you get over it. If you have no understanding of either social mores or common human decency, you might act like 22-year-old Florida woman Alexis Longo and her husband, Jeffery Wright, instead. After receiving the incorrect flavor of iced coffee in the drive-through, Alexis berated and cursed at the employee on duty, who apologized and offered to correct his mistake, but by then Alexis didn’t want coffee—she wanted blood. The couple entered the Dunkin' Donuts and began arguing with the employee. Alexis told her husband to hit the worker as she could not reach him. Naturally, Jeffery let loose with a string of haymakers. Not content with beating a dude who makes $7.79 an hour, Jeff pulled out his loaded 9mm Taurus Slim handgun and pistol-whipped the employee. At one point Alexis yelled for her husband to “shoot him, shoot him!” before the fight calmed down. The couple was arrested. Maybe they should switch to decaf. 8/10

–A Dunkin' Donuts in New Jersey was caught serving up a bit more than just coffee and pastries, if you if you know what I mean. If you don't, keep reading. Twenty-nine-year-old Melissa Redmond was caught taking breaks during her late-night shift to have sex with customers in exchange for money. The investigation, appropriately named “Extra Sugar," by the Rockaway Township Police Department, determined that despite being a “very good” employee, she was taking 10–15 minutes breaks to fuck, suck, or hug in customers’ cars. She was arrested after offering an undercover officer sex during a drive-through transaction. I hope she got to use the “I like my men like I like my coffee” line a few times; otherwise, what’s the point? 6/10

Wilfred Levine via New Britain Police

via New Britain Police

–Wilfred Levine, 63, was hanging around drunk in a New Britain, Connecticut, Dunkin' Donuts. Although Dunkin' is one of the most ideal places for a drunk senior to pass out, coffee-shop employees asked him to leave. Wilfred, not one to be thrown out of a Dunkin' Donuts, returned later with an ax looking for the guys who kicked him out, and when they didn't come running, he began to smash up the inside of the store. As police arrived, Wilfred came outside to destroy the store's plate-glass windows. That's about the time he was Tazered by the first police officers on the scene. He faces charges of assault, assault on police, mischief, trespassing, possession of a dangerous weapon, breach of peace, reckless endangerment, and interfering with police. Old drunks are fucking crazy. 3/10

–Oh, look, Florida again. Charles “Chuck” Barry, 48, loved doughnuts but surprisingly was not a cop. Still, Chuck’s father used to be a cop, and Chuck still had the ol' badge. What better way to honor your police captain father’s memory than by rolling up to a Dunkin' Donuts, flashing a .38-caliber revolver and his old shield, then demanding a 10-percent discount? On some occasions he’d declare that he was a US Air Marshal, which is a pretty loose criterion upon which to be given a discount doughnut as it is, especially when you’re faking it. Store manager Michelle Hoeltk became suspicious when he brought his family in and asked for the usual 10 percent off of a particularly large order, so when a sheriff’s captain stopped by for some brew and glaze, she asked him if it was normal for law enforcement to ask for a discount. He told her that they are allowed to take discounts but are discouraged from asking, thus prompting the sheriff to set up surveillance to see who this jerk was. They caught him as he pulled away with his feast. Pasco Sheriff Chris Nocco said at a press conference, “[He] could have done something crazy that could have hurt somebody. We're thankful that it was just a cup of coffee." Chuck was charged with impersonating a law enforcement officer and improper exhibition of a firearm. Chuck fucked up. 6/10

@jules_su

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