There Is So Much Wrong with 'Jurassic Park'

I went to see 'Jurassic Park 3D' yesterday. I'm glad I got to see it in 3D on a giant screen because it gave me an opportunity to see that the entire movie is a gigantic fucking wreck.

by Jamie Lee Taete

April 10, 2013, 6:00pm

Image via

I went to see Jurassic Park 3D yesterday. I'm glad I got to see it in 3D on a giant screen because it gave me an opportunity to see that the entire movie is a gigantic fucking wreck.

Forget about the fact that none of it's possible, for science-y reasons. It's a movie. That's fine.

There is SO MUCH going on that's wrong or doesn't make any sense. And I don't just mean the billions of small continuity errors (Laura Dern's invisible ice cream, the shaving foam, Timmy's terraforming postelectrocution hair), but, like, major, major things that should've stopped it getting to the big screen the first time around, let alone again 20 years later.

Oh shiiiiit! The T. Rex is coming through the fence! And the kids' car door is open!

Oh wait. No it's not. False alarm!

Look out, Alan! That T. Rex that, two minutes previously, had been heavy enough to literally make the ground shake, just managed to sneak up on you!

Wuh oh! The T. Rex is pushing the car toward Lex and Alan, they'd better jump through that gap in the fence the T. Rex just made if they don't wanna get crushed to death.

Wait, what? Did the tectonic plates just shift? Where did this 300-foot drop just come from? Can T. Rexes fly?

OK, so you're in a tree with a precariously balanced car a couple of feet to your right. I guess you have three options: 1) Stay exactly where you are, let the car fall, and stay safe 2) Move a couple of feet to the side, away from the car, just to be safe 3) Position yourself directly underneath the car, and try and outrun it vertically.

Cool plan.

Those restraints must be pretty strong if it's taking three people to forcibly lift 'em.

Shiiit, not as strong as Attenborough though!

Speaking of strength. Those raptors must be strong as fuck if they're able to push that giant steel containment thing back to get at that guy…

Thank God our guys had Timmy, a boy whose strength is greater than the resistance offered by a solid steel container, on hand to hold that freezer door closed during the kitchen scene.

So the makers of this film had the technology to create a herd of digital gallimimus, but couldn't figure out how to make it so their "security-camera feed" didn't have a play icon and a progress bar at the bottom?

Man, climbing over that fence is gonna be dangerous. Too bad there aren't any gaps in the fence big enough for the kids to easily climb through (like, I dunno, all of them).