Music

These Songs Will Not Get You Laid

By Jeff Ogiba

Why am I alone on Valentine's Day? It may have something to do with the songs that I force women to listen to.

I've done a lot of stupid things trying to get laid on February 14. I've ended up getting punched, insulted, and written off for what ended up being, at the end of the day, poor music-related decisions. Here are a few lessons to pay attention to so you don't have to experience what I've put myself through.

LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
Michael John, 1983

First rule of trying to get laid: don't use the "L" word with a new prospect. Your meeting is more than likely not about love. If you’re single and looking to mingle, love has almost nothing to do with it. That said, don't play songs that even mention love unless you want to come off as tacky, insincere, and creepy.

If you make the mistake of trying to impress your date with the most iconic Joy Division song, it would be worlds better than playing him or her this bastardized cover version. This early 80s power ballad rendition looks promising, but once you venture a few seconds in, you realize you’re in the middle of a trainwreck. The only thing you'll get for attempting to woo an interest with this one is laughed at.

Care to hear more cockblocking tunes? Read the rest of the article at Noisey.

By Jeff Ogiba 3 months ago

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