Dir: Axel Braun
God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe into a live action movie or redo The Pink Panther. For fuck’s sake! Does no one have a good idea? At least with porn it’s a bit more acceptable; no one is looking to them for good ideas. People just want to see fucking, so if you dress it up beyond that you’re already ahead of the game. But the spoof genre in porn is out of control. Yesterday I received a DVD that was meant to copy that Kim Kardashian reality show. I mean, does that show have enough fans that it warrants its own porno remake? And didn’t the girl with the big ole butt already have her own actual porno, chock-full of lackluster sex? Today I received a Hell’s Kitchen porno. The premise is so not what you’d expect. There’s a Gordon Ramsay-looking character (if you squint really hard) who fucks girls in the kitchen. Wait. No. That’s exactly what I expected. Way to trick me, Porn World, by making me think you would do what I was thinking you would and then doing it. You actually did fool me with the line on the box cover that read: “To be in my kitchen you better be able to take it in the ass!” And then there was no anal sex in the film. Good show.
Whereas all these other Cosby Show and Bewitched pornos seem a bit too niche for me, I can understand the need for This Ain’t Star Trek. There are millions of Trekkies. And Trekkies are all losers who beat off to Star Trek anyway, so why not make a porno where they can actually see their favorite characters get F’d? I mean, if they released a Princess Leia porno I’d be ’bout it, ’bout it. The only problem I have with this disc is that it’s Star Trek, and Star Trek sucks. Even if you’re watching it to be ironic, it sucks. It’s painful to watch. So I don’t need a porno of a sucky show (even if it tries to tempt me with Sasha Grey on the box cover).
The other day, I emailed my mate and Vice UK editor, Andy Capper (not to be confused with the drunken comic-strip character Andy Capp), to torture him. He asked if I’d seen the new Star Trek movie. I said, “No, Star Trek is gay. It’s always been gay. You can’t ungay a gay.” Recently, in his mid-30s, Andy got his first tattoo. And it was something super-ultra-shitty. I think it had something to do with Poe’s “The Raven” or some shit. You’d think at his age he’d have worked out all his bad tattoo ideas in his head decades ago. Guess not. So now every stupid thing I say to him I follow with, “You should get that as a tattoo.” So I said to him, “That’s your new tattoo. Two swallows holding a banner just above your cock with the words: YOU CAN’T UNGAY A GAY.” Like my wife, Andy has taken to ignoring me or not responding after I say mean things to him. Instead he emailed me back, “I got a new tattoo, want to see?” Before I could say no, he sent an image of some girl with an X on her forehead and the words “ALL THE WAY ALIVE.” He said it was a Charles Manson reference. I emailed him back, “Andrew, you’re far too old to be making these kinds of mistakes.”