I’ve gotten a lot of complaints in the last few weeks from my loyal readers. Some of you out there seem to think that I’ve been remiss in my duties as the foremost expert on racism. That’s totally fine. I accept your judgment. I love all of you equally. I even love those of you who say, “Dave Schilling is a total piece of shit with no brain cells to his name” or “I bet Dave Schilling has a really small dick.” I honestly love you folks, too.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: My penis is the normal size, OK?]
The complaint I’ve gotten most in my time writing this column is that I never highlight instances of minorities being racist toward white people, a.k.a. “reverse racism.” Somehow, I’m a bigot for “ignoring” all the multitude of stories in the world about roving gangs of black teenagers menacing old grannies in the suburbs, or all the black police officers beating up defenseless white guys in tank tops. Please feel free to send these mythical unicorn stories to me on Twitter. I look forward to the motherload of responses I’m sure to get.
In the meantime, I have decided to answer your prayers and dedicate this week’s column to the men and women single-handedly keeping the ridiculous notion of reverse racism alive. I will be ranking news stories on a scale from 1 to REVERSE RACIST, with 1 being the least reverse racist and REVERSE RACIST being the most reverse racist.
-I understand grief. I’ve had loved ones died. I’ve had my heart broken. I saw After Earth. Under no circumstances would I get violent, though. To be honest, I considered karate chopping the usher after I got out of After Earth, but I realized no one made me buy a ticket. I perpetrated that on myself.
I feel terrible for the mother of a girl who was brutally shot at a graduation party in Providence, Rhode Island. Violence, especially violence perpetrated against a child, is abhorrent. The response to that grief shouldn’t be to hurl rocks at a reporter, encourage your dogs to bite said reporter, or brandish a baseball bat in her general direction. The last thing you should do is call that reporter a “white bitch” as you chase her off your property, especially if she was just there to inform you that your child’s attacker had been found.
Yes, the local news media are tragedy-mongers and feed off of personal misery, but you just dropped an even juicier story right in their laps. “Crazy, fat, black racist throws rocks at cute white lady! News at 11!” Admit it, you’d watch that. 8
Photo by Flickr User MegRobertsonNY
-Folks, if you haven’t noticed yet, MSNBC shit-disturber Martin Bashir is of Indian decent. I’m sure you haven’t noticed, because you are upstanding, color-blind individuals. You don’t even see race! Good for you! Anyway, Martin, despite seemingly being an enlightened ethnic minority, felt that the current probe into the IRS scandal was not just a politically motivated attack on President Obama. He thinks that this whole thing is a case of dog-whistle racism.
On the Wednesday edition of his show, Bashir said the following:
"This afternoon, we welcome the latest phrase in the lexicon of Republican attacks on the president: IRS." Three letters that sound so innocent, but we know what you mean."
Actually, we don’t know what you mean. Are you seriously saying that a scandal that involves a government agency specifically targeting political enemies of the Democratic Party is actually about… race baiting? When someone like Martin Bashir makes a ridiculous statement like this, he invites conservatives everywhere to dismiss legitimate accusations of racism toward Barack Obama as “hysteria” or playing the "race card.” Martin Bashir, you are actually playing the race card. It's perfectly acceptable to play the race card during a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Race Card" but not here. Not now. Also, the race card beats everything except scissors. 6
-Someone not named Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism for a lifetime of insane ramblings that prove that the old adage “even black people can be racist” is absolutely true. Bishop E. W. Jackson, candidate for lieutenant governor of Virginia, has amassed a truly magnificent collection of mind-bogglingly inane campaign positions. He has claimed that President Obama has a “Muslim perspective” (which shouldn’t be an insult, but you know he meant it as such), referred to gay rights as “icky,” and railed against that scourge of American life, yoga, stating that it leads directly to Satanic possession.
"The purpose of such meditation is to empty oneself. [Satan] is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it. Beware of systems of spirituality which tell you to empty yourself. You will end up filled with something you probably do not want."
I can’t stand most yoga enthusiasts or people who wear stretchy pants to the grocery store, so I’m glad I finally have a good reason, but hating yoga isn’t racist or reverse racist. It’s just weird. What is reverse racist is E. W. Jackson trying his damnedest to compare Planned Parenthood to the KKK.
You know how Planned Parenthood has an explicit hatred of minorities, right? Planned Parenthood isn’t an organization that offers women assistance with their reproductive choices. They just plain hate “colored folk” and are engaged in a terrorist campaign against them. Yeah… OK. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Hugh Jackman isn’t gay. You not only insult the people who work hard for a cause they happen to believe in, you also diminish the very real threat of the KKK's hatred. You are actively working against the cause of persecuted peoples everywhere. Nice going, dude. REVERSE RACIST
@YesYoureRacist’s 10 Most Racist Retweets of the Week [all grammar sic'd]:
1. @rangerwomen: OBAMA SEQUESTRATION NO FIREWORKS CANCEL U SHOULD CANCEL VACAIONS AND CONCERT STOP LIVIN NI**ER RICH ON OUR DIME
Last Week in Racism: Sending Racist Emails About Michelle Obama is Not a Good Idea