Threesomes Blow

They're Just Not Natural—Sorry

By James Sewall

So you're lying on your back and two beautiful girls with waxed pussies are tending to your dink's every need. They are necking with each other and 69ing and one of them even has high heels on. You will be beating off about this moment for the next 40 years. Even some of your friends are going to touch their areas thinking about it. Or what if you're a girl being rubbed and kissed by the sweetest indie-rock-guy best friends this side of Eden? This isn't the date-rape gang bang you thought it might evolve into. These guys truly care about you and they know how to keep their mouths shut. It's pure bliss. Right?

No, it's not. It's fucking boring. The truth is, threesomes are lamer than doing cheap coke with your parents at a Linkin Park concert, in the rain, on your period, with a really itchy rash, during a breakup, in broken sandals. The question is: Why is something you looked forward to your whole entire adolescence so shitty?

IT'S TOO HARD TO SET UP
Some blame the awesome task of organization when analyzing the shittiness of the threesome. It's OK if you're poor, though. Blue-collar girlfriends know tons of strippers and they have no problems bringing them home, but try having a college education and pulling off regular threesomes. It's like organizing a wedding for a very religious Sikh. It takes a lot of planning, a lot of luck, and a shitload of lies.

"I set it up with two ex-girlfriends. It was so rational and pre-planned we all had plenty of time to become really, really nervous and uncomfortable. One of the girls drank an incredible amount of red wine to relax and ended up vomiting all over the living-room floor. I went with her to the bathroom to see if she was OK and she just said, ‘I'm such a loser. I've ruined everything.' I said, ‘Don't worry. Just come to bed when you're ready.' Then I had to go back to the bathroom a bit later on and say, ‘Er…I know this may sound pretty awful, but when you do come to bed do you think you could remember to brush your teeth?' When we finally got down to it the sun was coming up and the whole fiasco ended up being so hard to maneuver, I just ended up jerking off on her butt."
—Noah Ross, 24

"I took home these two girls last Christmas. (People in New York like to make fun of LA but at least we get laid.) Anyway, it took a lot of drinks to get this girl to come home with me and my girlfriend, so by the time everything was ready to go I was drunk out of my mind. I fell asleep as they were both giving me a blowjob right at the beginning. You don't know how many times I've been masturbating and asked God to send me back to that moment.

They ended up fooling around on the couch while I slept. Me and my girl have probably had about five threesomes since we met seven years ago and I barely remember any of them. Having a sober threesome seems impossible."

—Chris Carlson, 30

WOMEN ARE STUPID
Another reason threesomes don't work is that most girls are just shitty in bed. How many times have you been with someone who, due to a total ignorance of how simple it is to beat off a dude, starts wrapping and winding her hand around your knob like a spastic ballerina on E trying to drive a stick shift? I even had one girl ask me if I prefer circles or strokes. What the fuck are circles? If it's just one-on-one the girl doesn't have to do anything. Just lie there in your stiletto boots and show me how you masturbate. You don't have to worry about all the little details. That's my job. The problem with threesomes is they require tenacity. You need two girls with tons of experience that are totally comfortable with their bodies and have all kinds of great ideas. Such a thing does not exist outside of Budapest.

"The first threesome I ever had was with this total slut named Alex and her, let's say, big-boned friend. I didn't mind the big girl, but she was so self-conscious I had to be like a therapist about it and help her out of her shell. My brother calls those ‘Phil Donahue fucks.' After all that coaxing the only way I could stay hard was to really go for it like a rabbit and that meant I only lasted about three minutes. It was pathetic."
—Dave Timmins, 25

"When I was in Mexico I hooked up with these two Canadian girls that talked about sex all the time. I should have known something was up because people who talk about sex all the time rarely know what they're doing. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. The whole night was awful. While one of them sort of got into it, the other sat there like a dead chicken. I stuck my fingers in her pussy while I had sex with the other one but they were both so, I don't know, vacant. The girl I was fingering just sort of squatted there like an old lady. It made me feel like a gynecologist so I just stopped."
—Dom Allans,32

MEN ARE MORONS
Don't get all mad about the "Women Are Stupid" thing. Men are lame, too. Shit, have you ever seen them in the nude? What is with that thing dangling there from their pubes? Was that just stuck on at the last minute? Nude men are just wrong. At least when it's just you and him you can say things like, "Maybe you could stop trying to put my legs behind my head" and "Stop skull-fucking me like that, you're hitting my gag reflex." Add another man to the equation and you have a big pile of silly dinks with no place to go.

"I've had threesomes in the past that were pretty good. My ex-boyfriend and his roommate were pretty cool. They were French and they didn't make me feel like a piece of meat. Of course, it always ended up with one of the guys watching or leaving the room and it just being the two people. It just seems more natural that way."
—Leslie Marie Nguyen, 22

"I actually like it being two guys on a girl better than two girls and a guy. I thought it was going to be odd to be naked with another man but it's not at all. It's like two guys digging a ditch. You don't look up at the other guy or try to touch his shovel. You just roll up your sleeves and focus on the hole. The thing I like best about it is, even if you're both unimpressive she still gets a serious session of lovemaking. Two wrongs can make a right in this case. She has to be a total slut, though. And she has to be just visiting. You don't want to be running into her at your local bar every night."
—Kevin Fischer, 31

"When I was in Greece I let these two American guys come back to my hotel. I was really drunk. They seemed like nice guys. I think they were a bit thrown off by seeing each other naked so they overcompensated. They gave each other high fives and started saying things like, ‘Oh yeah' and ‘She's liking that.' It made me cry and that really scared them. We ended up talking all night."
—Margaret Chantalle, 21

IT'S NOT NATURAL
Men are bad at it because they're too macho to deal. Women aren't good at it because it takes sexual initiative and that is primarily a male characteristic. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Don't get me wrong. If it comes up you should definitely give it a go. It's great for masturbating to, so bring it on and mentally videotape every nanosecond. Those home brain movies are priceless and they last forever. It's also great to tell your pals about it. In fact, I don't know how many times I've been sitting there looking at two girls rub my cum all over their tits and wasted the moment with "I can't WAIT to tell the guys about this." All that goodness aside, threesomes blow because, if you really boil it down, if you really analyze the actual sensation, the actual event in cold blood, it is just simply not fun. It's just not meant to be.

"I've had a few ménages a trois, but to be totally honest, they're just too much work. You feel like some kind of gay party host, walking around with a clipboard going, ‘OK, how are we doing over here? Is everyone all right for cock? Who needs some more finger bangs?' You never get to relax. I can barely satisfy one girl. Doubling my work is no fun."
—Craig Rivers, 34

"Unless she's a complete porn queen and loves having both holes plugged or she is so skilled she can easily give great head while getting her brains fucked out you're basically wasting your time. You end up acting like two horny orangutans trying to make one girl into two."
—JP Riley, 29

"I was actually going out with a guy and a girl for almost a year. We lived together in a polygamous relationship. Every night he would come home and there we'd be, lying in our giant bed. The sex was amazing but I think it made us all insane. He ended up moving to Alaska and I moved to Florida. I lost contact with the girl, but the last I heard she was a single mother. It felt weird. Like we were playing with a Ouija board or something. What we were doing was just not right. I've heard arguments that say humans aren't meant for monogamy, and some of those points are pretty sound, but I can say from personal experience that we aren't designed for polygamy either. It doesn't work."
—Sarah Berger, 35 

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