A doorag with the fucking Confederate flag on it? How much thought went into this, a tenth of a second? Rebel, bad boy, tough guy, thug----––throw them in the blender, and bang, you’re done. One problem, Florida store (that’s where I got this): White rebels and black rebels aren’t exactly into the same shit. In fact, they hate each other’s shit. Your doorag hates itself. 2 THIS TAPE
Some guy came out of nowhere and walked into our office with this tape taped to some 40s. We haven’t seen the tape, but this, and how it got here, is and are a great thing(s). 3 BOOTLEGS
I’m not so much talking about Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Push it” mixed with The Stooges’ “No Fun,” though that’s good too. I’m talking about when third world countries are too poor to license an album and just rerecord it themselves. The best part is these crazy Mexicans don’t have any of the lyrics so they have to guess at them with lines like, “She was a case of insanity she was TOTAL FUCKING CRAP!” 4 ARCHIE BUNKER PARAPHERNALIA
The secret to a good collection is choosing something with a finite amount of stuff in it. The owner of Meltdown Comics in L.A. has been trying to get a lid on his Spiderman collection for years but he’s in it for hundreds of thousands of dollars already. Bunker, however, is perfect. It has just the right amount of eBay stuff, and every time you tune into Nick at Night he says great stuff like, “Let’s not do anything at the sperm of the moment, Edith.” 5 JAPANESE EYE DROPS
Japanese people have smelly eyes. It’s all the fish in their diet. That is why their eyedrops are mentholated. Thing is, when we take the same eyedrops (which fucking kill by the way) we get this caffeine rush that makes going out and getting wasted less of a chore. Oh yeah, and in the morning, when you’re hungover, have a few more drops and you’re good as new. It’s like coke without the paranoia and the migraines. 6 FOUNDATION DICE
Watching war on TV can be very confusing. There’s so many charts and computer graphics and weird lines everywhere. There’s all these majors and colonels and news guys talking about Al Jazeer and the Azores. How can we predict where all this is going? Don’t freak out. We’ve been rolling these Foundation Dice every day to get updates on various statistics. According to several reliable rolls (and Allah’s magical help) there will be 87 American soldiers dead before this war is completely, completely over (how fucking freaked out would you be if that came true?). 7 ED TEMPLETON TOYS
The guy with the thing coming out of his head is good as a basic guy––everyone has that toy. But how many people have the Ed Templeton Pez-dispensing ball-bearing thing? Nobody, that’s who. 8 IROCK
The problem with iPods is you’re walking around with 300,000 pounds of songs but you’re the only person in the world who can hear them; you’re like an agoraphobic with an 11-inch cock. Then this thing comes along. All you do is point it at any radio within 10 feet and it hijacks the frequency by linking the speakers to your iPod. Now you can get out of the house and start raping things. 9 RUSH BOBBLEHEADS
It’s fun to argue with these guys while their music’s playing in the background. You can go up to Neil Peart and go, “What the fuck does ‘Put aside the alienation, get on with the fascination, the real relation, the underlying theme’ mean?” And they all sit there kind of shaking their heads like, “Whatever, we’re Rush.” 10 CORNY BAR
We found this in the garbage. Who the fuck would name a candy bar (an already poo-like food) after a poo texture? Why don’t you name some condoms Jizz while you’re at it?