Tidbits

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Tidbits Issue
DELICATE ADVENTURES
[toke] “So what happened with you and Jessica last night? Did you guys get up to some [exhale] delicate adventures?”

[on the ground dying laughing] Holy shit. Are you kidding me? Did you just make that up? (And a term is born that lasts the rest of their lives.)
SUBCOMANDANTE
MARCOS DOLL
This is how some of the poorest people in the Northern Hemisphere fund a rebellion against the Mexican army and the federal police: They sell dolls of their leader to gringo tourists on the side of dirt roads, along with papayas, watermelon, and string cheese.

SKAG
In the UK a skag is a wee bit of heroin. That’s why you have to use this book when you’re high and you think you just had a stroke of brown genius. You didn’t. Bloodbath and Beyond is not the most genius band name ever thought of.
THE TOTO CHLOE BIDET SEAT
“I bought Adam Carolla one of these because he kept saying wiping his ass was ‘like getting peanut butter out of a shag carpet.’ He swears by it.”
JIMMY KIMMEL
PRO DOPE
Sure an unexpected dose could kill you, but if you stick to really tiny bumps and you don’t have an addictive personality, is it so bad? Just you and a friend or two listening to records all blissed out? If you can keep it to once a year, why the fuck not?
MINI DICKMANN’S
If you’re dating a guy with a really tiny dick and you really like him but you’re worried about never having satisfying sex ever again, just go for the butt every once in a while. As you can see here, it’s not really that different.
PINK NIPPLE CREAM
What kind of fucking howe mowe gives a flying fuck what color women’s nipples are?
BARPING
When you’re really hungover and you start having these huge burps that come from so deep inside you it’s like “BAARP!” that means your hangover is starting to end. It means your body is starting to digest things again. Every time that happens, hold your finger in the air and go, “Consequential burp.” It’s the thing to do.

PRE-9/11 MAKER’S MARK POSTER
We won this at our local playing bingo. Didn’t seem like a big deal back in July of 2001, but we’re sure digging it now! PS: It says, “To my loyal fans at Max Fish—Ulli—Here’s to being the first in the neighborhood. And the best. Bill Samuels, President, Maker’s [smiley face].”
EXPLODING BIN LADEN NOGGIN
The WTC attack cost $12,000 and we’ve spent about $400 billion trying to fight back, but few economists are willing to concede what a boon anti-Bin Laden products have been to our economy. All these firecrackers and hot sauces probably boost our GNP by at least $400,000,012,001.
WTC BUBBLE BLOWER
You blow in Tower 2 and bubbles shoot out of Tower 1, which is so harsh it makes me want to cry.
WTC SKATEBOARD
How epic would it be to do a quarter kickflip to late backfoot frontside varial quarter heelflip right onto Bin Laden’s face?
TARIQ THE DESERT WARRIOR
“As a toy designer that focuses on action figures, I am always looking for inspiration. I don’t know why this thing captivates me so much, but it’s the only thing on my desk these days. I bought it from some Puerto Ricans at a flea market in New York when I was incredibly high. They refused to admit they lost the boots and insisted that’s how he’s supposed to look. I let myself believe them, as one does when one is stoned, and saw the Stormtrooper as some kind of Middle Eastern superhero that zips along the desert in his bare feet, fighting for Allah. After a while he conveys that elusive effeminate threat the Afghani rebels had (you know, the ones that would wear all that mascara). Once you get into that mind frame he becomes so foreign he’s way more evil than anything out of Star Wars.”
JEREMY COLLINS

QUADHAFI PIN
In 1986 Reagan bombed Colonel Muammar al-Quadhafi's home until the guy’s daughter died of bombings. Reagan said it was about the bombing of a Berlin disco, but his critics insisted that was a cover-up and it was really about oil. Zero percent of Reagan’s critics had ever seen him dance.
OSAMA GOUACHE PAINT
The side of this Chinese paint box boasted “one million laughs.” Fuck, those rice balls love to kick us when we’re down. If they’re not buying our currency or stealing our manufacturing jobs, they’re laughing their heads off at the lowest point in our history. Shye-shye, China.

OSAMA HOT SAUCE
This is kind of a weird hot sauce to enjoy because you’re supposed to hate it. So when you’re eating it you’re like, “This sucks and it’s hurting my mouth, but I’m going to keep eating it because I hate Bin Laden,” which is kind of exactly what he wants—just like invading Iraq!

BULLETPROOF VEST
We bought this from an Israeli for $250 after receiving about 100 death threats in a row, including one that had gunshots going off in the background. The guy we got it from had bought it from an undercover cop for a full $500, and it came with all these stains on it, which means the guy must have worn it forever, including summers, which must have been brutal because the thing is boiling. It can only stop handguns, though, so if you’re coming to kill us focus on rifles or automatic weapons.
Check the Vice Photo Blog at viceland.com to see us shooting interns in it.
RETARD PILLS
If you came here tonight to get started, to cold act ill or get retarded, but you want to raise the bar to, like, Rosie O’Donnell retarded, you basically need to OD on these.
VISOR SUNGLASSES
We got these in South Korea and they’re called “Victime.” They have special lights on the inside that zip around but still allow you to see. It’s really distracting if you’re not stoned, but after a few hits it’s like you’re the mayor of Cartoon Town and walking down the street becomes a “laughing your head off” adventure.
WEE BUDS
One of the few great things about being ensconced in Puerto Ricanness is these tiny beers they brought us. They’re always cold and fresh, and at two bucks a pop you don’t even notice you’ve had about 15.

MY TEETH
“When I was 11 years old, I fell off the monkey bars and smashed out all my front teeth. It was pretty traumatizing, and to this day all my front teeth are fake. These are the casts they used to make my new teeth and they mean a lot to me. I think it was sort of the end of me being a kid.”
SAM FRANK

MONKEY PEACH PIT
“When my grandfather died, one of the only things he left me was this, a monkey carved from a peach pit that his brother Tom made him. He wore it on his key chain for about 50 years, so I wear it on my key chain now.”
JERRY MCPHEERSON
HEIDI KLUM’S FAT FREE CANDIES
Sorry Heidi, but nobody is willing to take advice from a woman that just gave birth to the most hideous dying monkey ever seen. You’re out. When Kate Moss got caught doing coke, advertisers could be vocal about why they dumped her. All Heidi’s sponsors can say is, “Um, we’re going to see other models for a while. We need our freedom. It’s not her. It’s us.”

SANTA DILDO
Mole from Windy City Heat gave us this. I guess dildos look like toys so kids don’t get it when they find them, but what if they do get it? How’s that for the end of believing in Santa Claus?

HOLDER FOR ONE THING
 This self-explanatory container is only three inches in diameter and is good for drugs, flower tops, or wee desk chocolates that you don’t want mice or rats finding out about.
See more of Amy Adams’s designs at perchdesign.net.
HUMMER COLOGNE
The only thing worse than people that drive Hummers is people that wear cologne.
WANGQING BAG
We saw this dude in Hong Kong carrying this transparent bag full of pornos and he tried to pretend he wasn’t devoting the entire night to “wangqing.”
AIRZOOKA
This thing shoots a blast of air about 40 feet and when it hits you it feels like you’re one of the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the ghosts go through their chest.
See airzooka.com fo’ mo’.

SMACK ICE CREAM SANDWICH
This is bullshit. Everyone knows normal ice cream makes you puke when you’re on heroin. You need something more refreshing like an Italian ice—or what about an antiheroin ice cream bar?

PISS AND SHIT TOYS
According to Freud, every kid goes through at least one incident where they play with their shit and rub it all over the bathroom walls and stuff. If you punish them for this they will grow up to become “anal retentive” (hence the name). If you just laugh your head off they will grow up to become “funny.” Apparently the Swedes are on to this and have decided to cut to the chase and buy their kids piss and shit dolls.
ANTIDRUG POT TREATS
If you hate heroin as much as you love ice cream, you may want to chow down on this pot-flavored anti-hard-drug Russian treat that just took the prize for the most what-the-fuck? snack of all time.
DEADBEAT DAD WIGS
“I grew up in a working-class neighborhood and I was one of the few kids there whose parents were still together. I remember my friend Dale bawling his eyes out because his dad had canceled yet another fishing trip and saying to him, ‘What the fuck are you so bummed about? I’d be dancing in the streets if I didn’t have to hang out with my dad.’ One time Dale’s dad bought him an oil painting of Dale’s dad for Christmas. He looked like this.”
CAMERON CUSHING

2001 NATIONAL LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES BAT
“This is the actual home run bat used by Andruw Jones in game five of the 2001 NLDS. You can even see the part where the ball hit the bat. It’s right there by the ‘s’ of ‘Jones.’ (Click to enlarge)

“I’m sure it’s worth a lot of money to somebody out there.

I had it insured for $20,000. Sometimes when I look at it I think how stupid it is that I have it sitting there right by the unlocked window of my fifth-floor apartment on the southeast corner of Fifth and A. Again, that’s the southeast corner of Fifth and A on the fifth floor. There’s a fire escape that leads up to it, too.”

DAVID CROSS
BUBBLE BAT
This bat has gum balls in it, but it’s also really handy for carrying drugs on a plane. That’s one great thing about 9/11, BTW. They’re so worried about carpet cutters and lighters, they no longer give a shit what drugs you might be hiding.
TWO-BALL IRON MACE
“I bought this online for $125. After I got it me and my buddy Dan went and bought some cantaloupes to practice on. I accidentally nailed Dan at one point and he had a huge welt on his arm. If the tips weren’t dulled it would have done way more damage.”
BILL COX

SKULL ASHTRAYS
“Smoking was cool in the 1950s, then everyone realized it kills more than all other drugs combined so it was banned, but now it’s for people that don’t care if they’re dying. The whole world is a smoke-free zone because apparently secondhand smoke is killing everyone. It is? As Taki Theodoracopulos pointed out, if secondhand smoke in bars is so dangerous, where are all the angry mothers of dead bartenders? The truth is there’s no evidence that secondhand smoke is dangerous.

“So now everybody has to go outside to smoke so they can wake up all the local residents and get the bar’s owner deeper in debt with ridiculous fines. Look, I don’t smoke, but if people want to die, let them die and mind your own business about it. That’s what’s so great about skull ashtrays. They’re for people that are proud to be dying. That’s why I collect them.”

KARA RIDGES
SKULL LIGHTER
“Following the ashtray tip, I get the feeling this lighter is supposed to trip me out about smoking, which, as I said, I don’t. So whenever I’m using it to smoke pot I tell it, ‘Relax, guy, it’s a joint’ and he mellows out a bit.”
KARA RIDGES
DOLLAR RING
Making origami rings out of dollar bills is really easy to do (google “one dollar bill rings”) and it shows the other chicks in your class that you have cash.

BIG DALLY
Unlike this cheap piece of shit that is actually worth more like $1.80 but all it says is that you are constantly late and can’t speak English.

JANE FONDA PATCHES
Jane Fonda may never live down that time in 1972 when she went to Vietnam to protest the war and was caught grinning in the seat of an antiaircraft gun that was responsible for hundreds of American lives. Maybe we could have some sympathy if we weren’t still drowning in uneducated celebrities preaching to us about international politics. Brad Pitt is an American traitor bitch.

SHILLELAGH STICK PIN
“This was given to members of the Irish Order of Washington, a now defunct club that used to organize the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade in Seattle. Up until the 50s Irish Catholics couldn’t join the Elks or Masons, so given the choice between the very Catholic Knights of Columbus and the often pissed Irish Order, my grandfather chose the fun one. He was a member for 51 years.”
PAT RILEY
SOLID GOLD FUCK TAG
“If you wore a fuck tag back in high school it either meant you had lost your virginity or you wanted to lose it, or something to do with fucking. I can’t remember.”
MARCY STERNER
SUPER BROKER SHUFFLE DVD
A scary-as-shit industry video of supermarket grocers telling you they want your business as sales reps, only the entire thing is done as a rap opera!

POCKET KNOCK ON WOOD
This is made by a company in Paris called Lust Project. Knocking on wood is a tradition that came from knocking on the cross for good luck. Then it became just any wood. Today it’s kind of hard to find raw wood sometimes, so you can put this in your pocket or purse in case you catch yourself saying something like, “I don’t know anyone that’s died from cancer.” They even made sure it wasn’t varnished, so your knock goes right in there.

BUTTER FACE
As we said on page 32, a butter face is an ugly girl with a perfect body. You say you love everything about her but her face. Get it, Palmer? Doye.
GET OUT OF JAIL FOR $20 CARD
Actually, they’ll send you one of these for any donation size at all. That’s all it costs to be immune to the racist moniker forever.

MARIJUANA LOZENGE
Some guy visiting from L.A. gave this to us at karaoke the other night. Later he invited us to Bungalow 8 and we go, “I’d rather fuck my dad than go to that L.A. bar” and he called us “cool jerks” like it was 1950 all over again.

FASHION NOW 2
This book carefully documents every fashion designer relevant today. With a one-page write-up and a one-page photo you get Ben Cho and As Four and Jeremy Scott and all those other talented people only girls care about.

THIS BOOK
“I love my Claudio Silvestrin architecture book because I love architecture.”
KANYE WEST
(Click to enlarge)
CRACK PARTY MIX
“One time some black limosine driver pulled up to us on First Avenue and asked us if we wanted a ride. After we got in we noticed he was smoking crack. He drove us back for $20 and talked about crack the whole time. He kept telling us it’s way purer than coke because they cook all the toxins out of it.”
MARIE ELLEN CHABOT
A SORE FOR SIGHTED EYES
The new TV Carnage is light-years better than the previous ones. The edits are down to three- to five-second chops and there’re all kinds of special effects, like a dead John Ritter watching a retarded Rosie O’Donnell. And remember: Do not watch this stoned.
See tvcarnage.com fo’ mo’.
DUSTERS
This is a gateway candy that eventually leads to little kids injecting flavor crystals into their arms using bubble-gum syringes.

GORGEOUS RAPE
As we mentioned on the Vice Photo Blog, everyone at Vice Scandinavia eats these disgusting foreskin-flavored tea bags of tobacco that are called Rape.

JAIL BELT
It gets pretty boring at the women’s prisons in upstate New York, so the inmates have taken to making shit like this out of old cigarette packs. They make purses, belts, wallets. They’re all this pretty and they’re all sturdy as hell.
(Click to enlarge)
CROQUET CHINK
It’s actually true that Asians are more prone to bow-leggedness because they sit cross-legged so much. A lot of Korean mothers insist their kids sit “Western-style” to avoid looking like this guy.


KOBE BRYANT iPOD CASE
Jesse, I have nothing to say about this. You got anything? Please make sure you put something else here and this paragraph doesn’t go to print or we will look like complete fucking idiots. Got it?
PS: I’m horny. What did you do last night?
CANNED PHOQUE
You’re not allowed to say “fuck” on CBC Radio, but on French stations like Radio Canada they can say phoque all they want. Qu’est-ce que fuck avec that?

MUSLIM KEY CHAIN
“I bought this in a fundamentalist hardcore Muslim carpet-praying store on Bricklane in London. I just walked on in with my red high-heels and couldn’t resist it because it’s so hypocritical. On the back of each key holder you can read the deep Muslim spiritual meaning of each name.”
ASHLEY NORRIS

RURAL ART
Going to garage sales in the middle of nowhere is a stark reminder of just how bored and horny you get living in the country.
BAG OF WINGS
At the Magic Wings Butterfly Conservatory and Garden in western Mass. they have a lot of wings piling up all over the place, so they put them in bags and sell them for $5.00.
SWASTIKA ANKLE BRACELET
They sell these to white tourists in Thailand and pretend it’s from the old Buddhist meaning, but that’s totally made-up because Buddhists never wore bracelets like this.
MINIATURE GLASS SKULL
“My big brother made this by taking a cheap plastic skull and pushing it into a glass mold and then pouring in the glass.”
WENDY COHEN
NEW ORLEANS VOODOO DOLL
We got this voodoo doll in New Orleans and they tried to freak us out by pointing out it contains human hair and we had to break it to them that voodoo, ghosts, elves, monsters, and gnomes is for stupid people and/or babies.

BAMBOO PAPER CLIPS
“I got my visa paperwork stuck together with these when I flew in to the capital of Fiji, Suva. The customs agent had a grocery bagful, so I asked for a bunch. This was only a few years ago, by the way.”
TAMMY KONKLE

SINGING NUN PUPPET
We couldn’t tell if this puppet was supposed to be for kids who love the idea of a happy young nun honored to sing His hymns, or if it was for fucked-up Catholic boys that are still traumatized from how horny Sister Fitzgerald made them feel.
FRIES AND GRAVY CHIPS
Canada has better potato products than America because Irishmen founded it. And Quebec has better chips than the rest of Canada because they take that Irish potato and give it some French flair. No wonder that Humpty Dumpty guy is so unflappable.

WAN WAN
FRIED CHICKEN
Let’s get one thing straight. Despite what this misleading Japanese letterhead implies, nips do not eat dogs. Chinese and Koreans throw them back like french fries, but the Japanese are way too civilized for shit like that.

KISS POP
“These are sold in France to teach kids how to French kiss. They come in different flavors so you can practice with different races.”
ANNE MARGREET HONING
JOHNNY CASH’S BUCK KNIFE
“Johnny Cash used to take 70 Dexedrine a day. 70!! This is a buck knife that once belonged to Johnny that I bought at an auction. I am thankful to have it, but I goddamned wish I had his pharmacist too.”
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
PLAYMATE BOOK
This beautifully laid-out book features the best of the past 50 years of Playboy centerfolds. The only bummer about the whole thing is you see fake tits appear on the scene sometime around the mid 90s and then kind of take over.

SARS PEPSI
When Toronto, the most culturally diverse city in the world, got blamed for the SARS epidemic, they had a bunch of Rolling Stones concerts in order to get tourism back on. When Southeast Asia ran into the same problem, they went the cheaper route and just “owned it” by marketing SARS in various forms as the hot new disease.


CRYSTAL METH LUBE
Larry Kramer of Act Up! wrote a thing for us in the Drugs Issue about how AIDS is still a serious problem and it’s not even close to under control. It was a great article, but we were a little disappointed to see him avoid the matter: The gay lifestyle. It hurts to admit it, but the biggest problem with AIDS and the gay community is…. wait for it… gays are completely out of control! Three-day orgies with coffee blenders full of coke, Viagra and meth are not exactly a safe-sex paradise. Or what about this beauty, a vial of homemade lube with a huge dose of crystal meth mixed in it? “You have to really shake it to get the crystals to liquefy,” says its owner, who contracted HIV at a recent circuit party in New York while on meth, “but once you get it going it feels fucking amazing.”

Maybe if the gay community took a day off from scoffing at the Christian right and replaced their drug orgy cocktails with chill pills they might have a hope in hell of getting the disease under control. But you’re not allowed to say that. You have to pretend calling AIDS a gay thing is “sexual profiling,” and the odds are just as high that Chloe Sevigny will get it at an East Village skater party. Well, the good news is this politically correct commie bullshit makes everyone feel equal. The bad news is it’s literally killing the people it purports to help.

LOST WOODEN COCK
We found this floating down the East River on the Brooklyn side. Now, you know you want to pretend it was being used by some incrediby hot nymphomaniac to practice her blow jobs or something, but the truth most likely involves a very dirty homosexual man and some gang-bang shit that you could get venereal warts just thinking about.
FAGOLOSI
“One time I pulled my pants down to fart on an old buddy who happened to be eating raw pasta and he poked it at my ass to defend himself. Instead of pricking my cheek, it went right in the anus hole and pierced my inner rectum. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom and tamped my ass and there was a red kiss mark left on the paper like when a woman is checking her lipstick. I never did anything about it. I guess it healed itself.”
BLAKE JACOBS

DEVIL’S CHESTNUT
Some anus brought these in from China back in the 1870s and they have completely taken over the northeastern seaboard. This here is one of the seed casings and if you step on it wrong it can go right through your shoe.

PACMAN PHONES
Whatever happened to cool phones, eh? All these Razors and BlackBerries totally took the fun out of phone calls.
(Click to enlarge)
BULLET KEY CHAIN COKE SPOON
Contrary to popular belief, this is the perfect size for a bump key. Just enough to keep you from fading when that 1:30 AM booze snooze comes a calling, but not enough to turn your hangover into a crippling day of anal terror.


6 years ago

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