Tidbits

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Kids Issue

MULTICUTURAL DOUGH
If you’ve ever seen a tanned kid crying during kindergarten, odds are it’s because he is unable to perfectly match his skin tone to whatever piece of shit blob he happened to smush together that morning. If you’ve ever seen a tanned kid dry his eyes and start to laugh with excitement you probably work at one of the many grant-funded school programs for inner-city kids where they recently got about a hundred of these things.

BABY FINGERING
Not since the Montreal hot-dog chain Steamies and the New York bag store Crumples has a name brought so many cringe-y douche chill bumps to so many legs and forearms [shudder].

ANTI BABY CONDOM
If you don’t want the pharmacist to think you’re a homo or poor or “inner-city” make it very clear you are not buying condoms to avoid STDs but are, in fact, “ONLY CONCERNED WITH BIRTH CONTROL!!!” (Yes, order it that loud.)

FRENCH CHIPS
While most of us have to trek out to the health food store to get exotic flavors like “Salt and Vinegar” (seriously, does anyone outside of Kettle Cooked and Miss Vickie’s do salt and vinegar anymore?) French people can just wander into any truck stop and digest the most cum-inducing freedom chips since Kristin Cavallari’s pube dandruff.

HAPPY VIRUS
AIDS has been such a burden on the fag lifestyle that a lot of them are just bending over with exhaustion and saying, “Fuck it.” Instead of running from the disease, they are barebacking it and embracing their fate. That’s why we can’t let them adopt kids. They will try to teach them AIDS is fun.

MENTAL CANDY
We were trying to buy a ceiling fan the other day and the salesman (who was dressed all in camouflage) started talking about stocking up on food and water because WWIII was coming in October and we had better get ready. We started to get really fucking scared but then we noticed these candies on his desk.

SILKWORM PUPA
Is there anything the Chinese don’t eat? Jesus Christ. Why aren’t they dominating Fear Factor the way nips dominate eating contests?

TIT PILLS
One of the worst things about puberty is watching everyone else’s tits skyrocket past yours right into every boy’s fantasy. If you want to have a huge chest before you’re 13, try these suckers out. Of course if you do take them your tits will look like windsocks by the time you’re 30 but nobody fucks 30-year-olds anyway. They’re gross.

FLIP WILSON DOLL
This stuffed version of the 70s comedian and his female alter ego Geraldine is worth a lot to little kids that were adults 30 years ago, AKA nobody.

This month’s winner: MULTICULTURAL DOUGH
Congratulations Laura Sporra over in Denver, Colorado! Now all you have to do is bomb the Croc factory out there and you’re hired.

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