Tidbits

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Fear Issue

RADIOACTIVE TOYS
Ever since that Chinese guy blew his head off after getting caught painting 18 million toys with toxic paint, all the toy makers over there have decided to avoid any confusion and just put clear warnings on the box that say “Be capale of irradiation.”

OSAMA BIN LADEN PHONE RADIATION SENSOR STICKER
Thank God nobody from the FDNY has a passport or ever goes anywhere. They would crap their fireproof drawers if they saw the ubiquity of bin Laden’s face accompanied by the word “hero.” In this case it’s a warning sticker from Malaysia that lights up every time your phone gets too strong a signal.

TOE DUST CRACKLING CANDY
They eat dogs, “Jungle Rat Crackling,” and ice cream with kidney beans in it, and now their candy tastes like toe particles? Why do they hate their tongues’ guts so much?

GENII
Is it just me or does this magicians’ magazine make you want to kill yourself?

BILLY BEER
Could Jimmy Carter have been a bigger pussy, please? What a Timmy. To this day all he wants to do is hug people, even ones that would like nothing better than to saw his head off on Al Jazeera. Why couldn’t we have had his brother? The guy IS a fucking beer for chrissakes.

OFF THE WALL KEYCHAIN
This is a pretty good before-and-after argument for rhinoplasty. You can either stay as you are, a racist caricature, or become a handsome Mexican boy with wet hair.

GAY GUM
Finally, a way to have the taste of cock stay in your mouth all day.

HOT DOLLAR PERFUME “FOR HER”
Sorry, buddy, but only about 1 percent of the female population is seduced by sexy chicks in bikinis, cigars, and piles of $100 bills. And that 1 percent is called “a dyke.”