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A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Noxious Issue

DAINTY MUFF WARMER
Sometimes a girl will get so lonely and sad she’ll hook up with her gay friend and they’ll have a buddy version of a mercy fuck. Then she’ll send his penis this the next day as a thank-you.





EMO NOTEPAD
This is where you can write, “I’m feeling so scared/about all the lies you wrote to me./I wish I could fight back but there’s nothing more to fight for./Nothing left but loneliness./Loneliness and pain./I wish I could hold you in the rain./In the rain.”
CABBAGE-AND-CONDOM FLAVORED CHIPS
Sure, when your friends are acting all cool and saying shit like, “Salt and vinegar kicks ass,” you’re going to go, “Yeah.” But wouldn’t you rather be chewing on some used condom you found near a tree or a boiled cabbage you pulled out of the garbage? How about if both were combined and barbeque-flavored? Yeah, we thought so.







CREE REARVIEW-MIRROR THING
This was procured from an Indian reservation for $1 and it looks like it took all day to make. Um, can we get these guys some actual jobs please? Even prisoners get 21 cents an hour.


MEN PLUS KING POWER TEA
Methinks the Chinaman doth protest too much. Especially when he admits in brackets that this is just a new way to say “gay.”

COSMIC BROWNIES
Do they not know that people put drugs in brownies and get really, really high or is this one of those things where the people at the snack company had that floating around in their subconscious and put it on the box without thinking where they got it from? In other words, is this a wink to us the way kids’ movies have little jokes in there for adults or are the people at Little Debbie completely fucking retarded?


OFFENSIVE TOURIST BRACELETS
If you want to be a modern artist but you don’t have the time, just go to Cancun and have the guys who make those tacky tourist bracelets weave the most offensive things you can think of. Now come back to Manhattan, make up a bunch of complex jargon about globalization, and—bang—you’re an art star.

BUTT AID
If you want to tell your parents you have powder for a baby’s ass but you’re too scared, just say, “I have AIDS. Just kidding, my baby does. Just kidding, she only has one aid. Just kidding, she has Butt Aid.” It’s a good way to ease into the news.



VICTIM-DISPOSAL BAGS
You know rape and murder is getting out of control when date-rape drugs make their own garbage bags.




CYLON GLASSES
We picked these up at Village de Valeurs in Montreal. The lights on the top scroll from right to left just like a Cylon’s helmet. Not sure why they have the word “funny” on the top. They are so badass they’re basically the tear tattoo of sunglasses.




PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES
Wait, isn’t that the problem in the first place? That pregnancy IS for dummies? Isn’t that what Idiocracy was about?

Thanks to Jeff Patch of Redondo Beach, CA
BABY WHEELCHAIR
Babies can’t walk. That’s why people have strollers. So why does everyone get so freaked out when you put a baby in a wheelchair you bought off a website that sells accessories for giant dolls?

Get yours at mytwinn.com


WINNER: PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES

The guy who sent us this left his address as “Jeff Patch, Redondo Bch, CA.”
That’s it! That’s all he gave us. He’s either really important or really stoned.

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4 years ago

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