Tidbits

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Literature Issue




1 ELECTRO DICE
That didn’t take long. The new wave electro revival is barely out of the gate and now we have companies like Target and Urban Outfitters already co-opting it for profit. There’s electro ashtrays, electro hair spray, a diet show called Electrolite and, weirdest of all, a pair of electro dice that say, like, “six” and “four” after you roll them.

2 CORN LOLLIPOPS
Some people are just different than us. In rural China, for example, they believe nothing can quench your thirst like a well- cooked corn on the cob. Then there’s these down in Mexico. There’s even people in Russia that use corn as a musical instrument. That’s possible, you know.

3 PATRIOTIC TOYS
You should see the way this guy waves the flag around and moves his arms and legs when you push the red button. He looks like a junk-sick rapist in a trance. Then at the end it goes “God Bless Amereeca” in a weird accent. That and the inverted American flag say so much about global economics and immigration that if you think about it on acid your head will explode.

4 ASS SALT WITH A DEADLY PEPPER
When you’re sitting down to a huge meal of corn lollipops there’s nothing more appetizing than a small porcelain nude gentleman with a gigantic fucking ass. Every time you reach for the salt you’re like, “mmmmmm.”

5 NIGROIDS
When you’re the only white person at a party or a bar it can feel a bit awkward. You don’t know what to do with your hands and you feel corny and stuff, right? Well pop a Nigroid breath mint into your mouth and see how you feel. Better, eh? Coooool.

6 BRITISH TABLOIDS
We’re not sure why Americans think British people are so smart (note how all huge-brained aliens on Star Trek have British accents). Have you read what they read? “Gareth Is Georgeous, Say Gays” is an article in this week’s Sun about how Boy George thinks a local pop star is attractive. Other front-page stories include Posh Spice “bagging a crisp advert” or “Lard of the Dance,” where we see how fat the guy from Lords of the Dance has become.

7 COOLPIX 775
The Coolpix 990 was our favorite digital camera before this beatific wonder came into our world. It’s cheaper, lighter, smaller, and the battery lasts way longer. Where would the DOs and DON’Ts be without it?
The DOs and DON’Ts start on p.61.

8 VOICE BALLOONS
Whoever is going all over New York putting empty voice balloons on every ad they see deserves the fucking Nobel Peace Prize. They’ve taken the splat-ball gun and spray-can world of adbusting to a new place and the result is piss-pant funny.

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