Todd's People - Michael's Art and Can All

I met Michael Bryant through a former pimp named Tony, after he introduced me to a program that they're both a part of called Project Onward, which helps mentally and developmentally disabled people grow as artists. Michael is an artist unlike most. He embodies the raw, independent, original style that Chicagoans love to flaunt. In the long run, he just wants to kick it to girls and talk astrology and listen to some rock and roll.

For the duration of this interview, Michael uses the term "can all" a lot. I asked him what this means, and he told me "it's carrying on and can all." So your guess is as good as mine.

VICE: Hey Michael. So how did you become an artist?
Michael: Basically, to get girls. I wasn’t a singer, so I had to figure out a different way to get girls. My problem with girls started a long way back. Girls used to tell their daughters that you wanted a man that was tall, dark and handsome. When I grew up I had this one problem; I was brown, the dark was out. I looked in the mirror and I thought I was the most handsomest man of all, but that didn’t work out. And as you can see, the tall thing didn’t work out. There is this thing the Marines teach called adapt and improvise. So that’s what I got to do to get the girlies. I can’t play baseball so the sports angle is out. I can rap a little bit, but I ain’t really a rapper so that's out. You know what. You know how guys get girls when they have no talent? Yeah, if I can get they clothes off and can all, you’re halfway there. How do I get their clothes off? I tell them I'm an artist.

I tell this girl I’m an artist and can all. She gets to my apartment at 64th and Peoria, looks around and says, “You have no easel, no brushes, not even a pallet." She left out the door. So I thought the next time this happens, at least know a little bit about art, so I started drawing obituaries. I help make my friends' signs when they go out begging. And now the girl situation is pretty good. Making art also keeps them around. If you don’t make women happy they’re quick to give each other the scope. Then, if they're really mad, they’ll say, “Not only that, girl, he’s only got a three-inch dick!” That’s what happened to Puff Daddy after the loaded gun incident with J.Lo.

Tell me about some of your art.
A lot of things happen on tape. A lot of things come from men handing women money, things being poured out, and cannons being fired. From there everything gets started. I don’t like painting the tranquil-type jive.

This is the guy my momma was worried I might turn into. She didn’t wan’t me to be Little Richard. She was scared of him, he was out there, I wanted to have hair like him. He was doing the wild rock and roll.

I know my ABC’s but not words and can all. I’m walking home from school through the alley and I see the letters P-U-S-S-Y. I go home and can all. My mom is doing the washer. After I finish my homework, I remember the letters I saw on the wall. I told Mama what letters I saw, she went silent. I knew something was up because she turned off her soap opera. She goes: “What did you say?” I tell her “P-U-S-S-Y”. She says: “Ask your Uncle Billy.”

Do you hang out with other artists?
No, not really. All the guys in the neighborhood are into the gang stuff. That’s cool and all, they paint those old English letters and can all. I’m a gregarious person, I’m into the books and can talk about anything.

You told me you like VICE, are you a "Do" or a "Don’t"?
I’m a do. I’m real easy and gullible so the girls should wanna be around me and can all. Just give me a simple compliment, tell me I have pretty brown eyes or I’m the greatest artist in the world, and then after that, here comes a whole fifth of Jack Daniel's and I’ll probably throw in some malt liquor.

What if they don’t like your art?
They get a box of wine. If they got big breasts well, that goes a long way. I’ll do whatever the hell you want. Wanna go to my spot?

Sure.
This is the spot for the artists that want to do the McNasty and get back in. We go over here, get the malt liquor and can all. We go into this alley, smoke, we do our thang here. If Shelly sees this, she’s gonna say: “I remember that spot, that nasty artist Michael took me there.”

Previously: Todd's People - Rejected Submissions